Comfort In The Rhythm of The Sea

(I will find comfort in the rhythm of the sea. The fluidity of constant change,
moving certain like the proudest wave.)

I’ve been shifting weight lately, left to right, pros and cons, this or that. I’ve been stubborn enough to get to try out many different ways of living. Many different ways of being. I’ve tried several versions of myself, both inwardly and outwardly. Identity crisis, some call it, or insecurity. And maybe they’re right, I guess, but I never saw myself as way too lost because I believe in the endless possibilities of oneself and that’s why I flow. The certainty in constant change.
Building safety and comfort is hard and takes time — if you want it to last. It’s pretty damn easy to throw a house up on common ground and plant your seeds. Grow your roots and make the decision that this will be called my home from now on.
Building a home is easy when you build it on external things, like the ground of a place, a house, a city, a person. But building a home in and of itself, that can’t be burnt to the ground, raptured or simply taken away, is hard. I might take the long way home but my first and biggest decision when I closed that door to my childhood room a few years ago was to build my safety and home in and of myself, never in a place. And that’s why I flow. x xx certain, like the rhythm of a wave

It might take me a life time and it might cause me more worrying and sadness than actual strength, but I will be chasing a home in myself for the rest of my life, if I so have to walk homeless at the bottom of the sea to get there. This is my decision to refuse to learn or find comfort in material belongings or safe social net lines.
See, my aim is not to survive
but to be thrown to the wolfs with adrenaline still pumping in my veins and hear the gods laughing saying ”that was one hell of a youth” and everything I do I do in order to push my senses and levels of natural ecstasy. I want to be so awake that I pass out by exhaustion every night with a smile on my face and no thoughts of tomorrow because today was all I ever could make of it
and I am sick and tired of boredom. Bored people slumbering boring words about bored habits
and I want to get out.
So this is why I flow. Staying fluid, certain like the sea.

I want to learn how to speak to anyone at any time and make us both feel a little bit better, lighter, richer, with no commitments of ever meeting again. I want to learn how to stand wherever with whoever and still feel stable. I want to learn how to unlock the locks to our minds, my mind, so that when I hear opinions or views that don’t match up with mine, I can still listen and understand. I want to burn up lifeless habits of following maps and to-do lists, concentrated liquids to burn my mind and throat
and I want to go back to the way nature shaped me. I want to learn to go on well with whatever I have in my hands at the moment
in a natural state of mind
and this is why I flow. The constant flow of life; the way it always pulls me back.

I need to corrupt the patterns I’ve built in and around myself, stop numbing me out to simply get through the day
and I need to escape the way my humanness constantly finds the easiest way around and I need to push myself out of a rhythm that makes my heart beat in industrial ways
because I don’t want to be afraid of life or living
or hurting or growing.

I am finding my way back to the rhythm of the sea.
To find comfort in the certainty of constant change.

– Charlotte Eriksson

Originally published at theglasschild.tumblr.com.

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