I am going to write a diary because I believe I need to arrange my thoughts, to have it all clear. Also it’s a good practice to write.
See I always had many thoughts and ideas but only few of them I shared. It was worth it still, Youtube videos got many many views, but I wish I could have put more thoughts out there, or on the paper, or have my own blog. No place to regrets, there’s still time, let’s do it!
I am getting to life crisis now. My professional life sucks. I have no idea where is all the time, but suddenly I woke up, I realized I’m 26 years old and I have no real job, no profession, not even university degree and no real tangible experience. All that time. Where is it? I’m thinking about my past —
Me working as a tour guide in a nuclear bunker. That was a good times, but while doing this, others studied, and others now have a good job.
Me traveling — amazing times, but traveling ends at the end, friends are gone all around the world, girlfriend is lost, all our mutual memories torn apart, all the dreams faded away.
Youtube videos — they were cool. They gave me a lot of new friends and popularity and experience and I enjoyed making them. But nothing more. No money, no real future. I didn’t push it any further and so I still need to look for a job.
Me doing aupair — again, good times. I learned in some way. But that costed a lot of time, almost 2 years now. In those times I could as well become good at some IT technology and have a stable prosperous job now. Yes I learned to be a good father, to play and handle children, I had fun times driving with car around, spent time in nature, lived with my girlfriend, I went out a lot and socialized and basically completely overcame any remaining social anxiety I had — but on expense of time. And as my mom likes to say, you could have done all of it next to studying or having a job.
Me learning French — this is hard, because it takes quite a lot of time without any real result in hand. New language is binary thing. You can either use it or not. I still can’t, so it’s like no benefit from learning it. But I know once I’ll finish, all that time will be worth it.
Seems like time is the most important commodity in my life. When I was poor it used to be money. How stupid was that!
Me doing nothing — yes, there were times when I did nothing for quite a long time. Especially between 2014 and 2015, after experiencing trauma in India, I kind of wasted few months. I did some website job for couple hundred euros, but that’s nothing and led nowhere.
Me studying — and there was university. Since I left after 2 years, I have no paper, no degree and thus no real outcome of it. But I can’t say it was time wasted. I still learned a lot of those subjects, learned ways of thinking, I got friends, experience, fun, good times and hard study times.
Me learning programming — I spent maybe 2 months in total learning programming, mostly just simple web languages. Yes it helped me with my website which is now up and running. It came back as some money. But again, no real job, so I could as well just pay someone to do it, maybe they’d do it better, and I’d save some months.
Me doing website — Second time I went to university, I left after 2 months. It’s because my website started to earn some money and I was so amazed by this opportunity. I was impatience and greedy, but also I seen it as a once in a lifetime chance to make something big. I thought: Why should I study for 3 years in order to do something I can do already, it’s already up and running and potential is great? So I left school to work on it. Did I put all my time and effort to it and pulled it through till the win? No. I did something though. I increased the website 2 to 3 times, while in hard conditions. Then I stopped. I moved back to Prague for a job offer that didn’t turn out good. I got to old tour guiding job, life enjoyment and relationship trouble caused by breaking up, and forgot about website, so it didn’t creat the bright future for me.
What is the outcome of all this? This is inconsistency. I started several things. I also got some success in them. But I changed on the way. I changed my direction many times, or I didn’t really finish the projects, I never made it to the point where one of my project could keep me afloat and give me ground for a good and stable life.
Why am I so anxious about it now? Because my feet were shaken by problem in a job. Suddenly job became unstable. Next day I went to see Thais and what did she say? Go leave your aupair family, grow up, get a normal good job with future, something professional, or go study or go do your website. Just don’t be like a kid, don’t stand on one place. Evolve! You’re 26! And find yourself an older girlfriend. She laughed at me that I’m still getting back to her, for how young is she. I was so angry I told her we should see each other less. She said maybe not at all. We broke up again.
I didn’t get much needed support from her, but she gave me more. She gave me truth. She showed me I’m sleeping in comfort place (even though I am working always and a lot last 1,5 years and I make good money which I kinda manage to save). I shouldn’t focus on making money. I should focus on getting profession. Money will always come. I discovered some wrong thoughts I am having about my life and money, which I will write down in a next post. Generally I was thinking about saving money and thinking about how long I can live in Prague or travel from amount of money I make here. She told me this is completely wrong thinking. Sure I can take 2 months break and relax, get myself together, but then I need to find some job. She told me: You’ll make money again in a new job so don’t think about how are your savings. That’s true. Maybe that’s core of my misguidedness.
So here I am now. Single again. On the life crossroads.
I am really feeling shitty about not having real good job.
It’s like anxiety
I really want to work somewhere. Maybe it’s so intense because Thais is breaking up with me partly for this reason.
Luckily I’m still smart, I know IT and I have enough money saved and some passive income to live 2–3 years without need to work. But man I am getting crazy now.
I have to work my ass off to get it somewhere. To be happy with myself again. To experience professional success.