American Express

November 24, 2004

In the last week I have received 4 (four) American Express Cards. All of them different. If I don’t like the way the card looks, maybe they’ll send me another one I like. I have no interest in paying for a credit card. Why would I want to pay an annual fee for a credit card. Maybe if I had $100,000 I needed to spend this month it would be worth it. But I don’t need to spend $100,000. I want to. I would love to spend $100,000 this month. I would love to run away from the collection agency for the rest of my life. I’d like to move to Mexico and learn Russian. I’d love to move every 3 months because I’m scared the good ol’ American Express party would catch up with me. Sure… they say it’s like having free money.

How ‘bout I spend some of it. Not $100,000. Lets just say I spend $500. I buy an iPod. A color iPod. Lets put that on one of my American Express cards. Lets spend more. Lots more. I need iPod accessories. All of them. Belkin everything all the way. Lets raise this to $1,000. But now I want an inflatable boat. My inflatable boat died. It died many years ago. I’ve kept it for so long, hoping that the holes would heal themselves. They didn’t. I tried fixing the holes. They didn’t fix. The ones I could find did, but overall, the boat holes didn’t fix. It died a slow painful death. It worked long enough for one last excursion on Lake Waco. Then it died. For good. Put it on the street for the dead inflatable boat people to take away.

So I need a new boat. Lets put that on another American Express card. But not this month. Next month. Oh no. I have a $1,000 balance on my other one. I need to pay it so I don’t have to move to Mexico to learn Russian. $1,000 isn’t worth it, $100,000 maybe, but I’m not going to learn Russian for only $1,000. Oh, how convenient. American Express Card number 2 has just sent me a special promotion where I can transfer any balance to it for only 0% interest for a whole year. What a deal. Lets do it. I now have $1,075ish on American Express Card 2. No need to move to Mexico to learn Russian. I have a whole year to pay it off. I’ve got my inflatable boat. I’ve got my iPod to listen to whilst floating along in my inflatable boat. I’m set. Lets just take our time to pay of Mr. CreditCard. I might make a few impulse purchases along the way. Put them on the card. I can pay those off easily month by month so as to not accrue interest.

But no. Noooo!! They won’t let me do it that way. Instead of paying off the $75ish plus the few impulse purchases along the way, lets call it $125, I have to pay off the $1,000 at 0% interest first. But, since I have a year to pay it off, I’m taking my time, and the whole year I’m getting $125 worth of interest at around 2.99% over prime. Who’s to say what that is anyways. So my 0% interest turns out to be not such a great deal. Oh, yay! Mr. CreditCard number 1 says give me your debt and I’ll give you credit for it and make you pay me for all your worldly possessions. Now I have $1,125 + ((months accruing interest) x ($125 X ((1.0299 + Prime)/365))) all taken away and I have a whole year to pay this guy off. Maybe I’ll throw a bunch of it on Mr. Visa. Or Mrs. Mastercard. She’s married to Mr. Mastercard. They have kids.