I believe I am highly qualified for playtime.

Image by Rudy and Peter Skitterians from Pixabay

Good Day Principal Howard,

My name is Terry Johnson and I am interested in being a Magical Floral Pupil at Lily Street Preschool.

I’m an excellent problem solver because I’ve helped my friend Josh and his puppy Blue solve dozens of mysteries across over thirty episodes. And I am reminded every day of how much my input is valued by Dora the Explorer.

My performance reviews each month by Mommy and Daddy are awesome, proven by the fact that I got over twenty gold stars on my calendar last month, one for each day I was considered a good boy…


Boldly going where no one has gone before because I’m the only one who isn’t afraid to go there.

Image Copyright: CBS Television Distribution (Fair Use)

An Episode That Is Like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Featuring Worf

Everyone can agree that Worf is honorable, but he’s also very aggressive at times. A story where we see him quickly change from a mature warrior into a cute little Klingon baby could really help show us a different side of him. Not to mention the fact that Worf’s deep voice and growly look once scared me into wetting my pants at a slumber party, and getting to see Baby Worf could’ve saved me that humiliation.

A Magic School Bus Style Episode, With Picard In the Ms. Frizzle Role

For all the alien species Star Trek has given us, we know so little about their biology. An episode where The Enterprise shrinks down…


Humor

Like any superhero, the power is all in what you wear!

Image by CBDroneography from Pixabay

My black Timberlands are here to let you know that I’m not a civilian. I’m a BADASS who chews up every obstacle and spits it back up! From the moment I saw this elite footwear in Payless Shoes, I knew I was walking out wearing something that said, “Not only am I different, I’m PREPARED! Much more prepared than those simpletons who buy Converse and Penny Loafers!”

My morning jogs aren’t just exercises anymore, they’re a furious charge into the life threatening danger lurking around every corner! My household chores aren’t just cleaning, they’re a battle of attrition, where only…


HUMOR

Do not be a part of the problem by letting Steven Spielberg ruin our species’ public image!

Photo by Silas Hao on Unsplash

Greetings Members of the East Coast Aquarium,

This is the aquarium’s sharks, here to remind you that we are not the fast moving, bloodthirsty killers from those high octane movies you’ve all seen, so stop treating us as such for your amusement. We believe it is not asking too much to educate yourself just a little before coming to visit, in order to avoid creating an uncomfortable situation by trying to make us go against our roles as an educational exhibit. We’ve chosen to highlight some examples to better convey what we’re talking about.

First off, we are NOT the…


Win McNamee/Getty

WASHINGTON — It’s been a rough holiday season for Americans hoping to get another round of economic relief as unemployment and evictions remain at record highs during the coronavirus pandemic. But the nation’s elected representatives in the House and Senate made progress Friday with a bipartisan vote declaring that none of them know what the hell is going on.

“This is what the Constitution was designed for, and we successfully upheld it with this vote,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who was seen wearing a Pandora bracelet to show support for “dreamers,” gun violence victims and many other at-risk communities.


May your Christmas be filled with joy, and an unnaturally strong sense of upper middle class polish!

“Christmas glasses” by alasdair massie is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Want your home to look just like a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie this season, but just don’t have the time, money, or energy? Fret not! Introducing…Hallmark Christmas Movie Tinted Glasses! The glasses that let you see your house in a way only thought possible by living in the world of Hallmark’s many Christmas specials! One that is simultaneously generic and ritzy! So over produced and forcibly relatable, you’ll be surprised it wasn’t done by CBS.

Just put on your Hallmark Tinted Glasses and look down at what you’re wearing now! The finest Nordstrom jacket that normal people like you would…


Education isn’t supposed to help children.

Photo by CDC from Pexels

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Smith,

Upon looking over your son Justin’s performance in our Childhood Review And Performance (CRAP) evaluation, it is clear he has failed (miserably we might add) and does not conform to our style of teaching, leaving us no choice but to assume he has ADHD.

As you know, the CRAP test is set up in such a way that if your child does not successfully catch a ball, recall a beef Wellington recipe word-for-word, or say that their favorite Star Trek character is Spock, it can only mean the presence of a learning disability.

We first…


Humor

We’ll have to fire you if you keep delighting the customers and refuse to be a corporate clog

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Diner Under a Dollar (or DUD) is a restaurant chain that prides itself on fast, efficient, okay service. It is a huge corporation where the atmosphere of its locations is family friendly, manufactured and shallow. Every meal is synthetic crap that tries to pass itself off as homemade, and every employee gives their utmost forced smile. New hire, Ollie, doesn’t seem to understand that we aren’t going for excellence.

EMPLOYEE PROFILE: Ollie Overzel

OVERVIEW: You’ve been at our corporate eatery for almost three months, and in your ninety-day evaluation, I must point out that your service is not what we…


In what might be my most controversial article ever to date, I know I have ignited the rage of my fellow Trekkies through this article’s title, alone. So allow me to clarify before I dive in.

I’m not about to say this is a misunderstood gem of an episode or even that I think it’s one of the best episodes in the series. It’s definitely forgettable compared the onslaught of substantially higher quality episodes that’d follow, and some might even call it the calm before the [perfect] storm in that regard. …


(Image via Bombshell by Bleu)

Breaking news, various artists have decided to change their songs about New York City to describe Boston. A sample of the results can be read below.

“Bay State of Mind” by Jay-Z & Alicia Keys

In Boston

Titletown that wins are made of

There’s nothin’ you can do

When you play Boston

These teams will make you feel like a noob

Sports teams will aggravate you

Let’s hear it for Boston

“Boston State of Mind” by Billy Joel

I’ve drank in all the Irish pubs,

Eaten the baked beans, and clam cuisines.

Been high in those seats on top the…

Justin Avery Smith

Humor Writer & Performer. Headline Contributor at The Whole Wheat Post. Twitter (@JustAVerySmith) Insta & Twitch (justinaverysmith) TikTok (@justaverysmith)

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