Education isn’t supposed to help children.

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Dear Mr. & Mrs. Smith,

Upon looking over your son Justin’s performance in our Childhood Review And Performance (CRAP) evaluation, it is clear he has failed (miserably we might add) and does not conform to our style of teaching, leaving us no choice but to assume he has ADHD.

As you know, the CRAP test is set up in such a way that if your child does not successfully catch a ball, recall a beef Wellington recipe word-for-word, or say that their favorite Star Trek character is Spock, it can only mean the presence of a learning disability.

We first became suspicious of Justin’s condition during Study Hall, after seeing that all the other kids were either doodling in their notebooks or playing Roblox on their phones, but that he was reading about the life and fashion of Grace Kelly. The logical conclusion is that he’s interested in the history of pop culture, or that he’s hyperactive. We think the latter is more likely. Academics aside, we’ve noticed various other odd behaviors over the past few months. For example, while other kids were sitting in a circle at recess singing Baby Shark, he was in the corner humming I Got You Under My Skin. …


Justin Avery Smith

I write like my life depends on it, and dress like I work at Macy’s. Twitter (@JustAVerySmith) Insta & Twitch (justinaverysmith) TikTok (@justinaverysmith07)

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