Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Apr 6, 2021Member-onlyJordan Peterson Fanboys Scream “Hail Hydra!” after the Professor Reveals He has been Red Skull All AlongPeterson/Red Skull then announced plans to rid the planet of unclean rooms — On Tuesday, Canadian controversialist Jordan Peterson unceremoniously ripped off his flesh mask to reveal that he has been Red Skull—former head of Hydra and arch-nemesis of Captain America—all along. “To some of you this will come as a shock,” Peterson/Red Skull said during a Zoom-hosted MOOC. “But to those who…Comedy1 min readComedy1 min read
Published in Arc Digital·Mar 5, 2021Member-onlyThe “False Flag” False BinaryThe mere presence of agents provocateur does not a false flag make — According to the Oregon Republican Party, the Capitol Hill riot of January 6 was a “false flag.” By a vote of 12–2, the party’s executive committee passed a resolution on January 18 which claimed: there is growing evidence that the violence at the Capitol was a “false flag” operation designed…Politics11 min readPolitics11 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Feb 25, 2021Member-onlyMattel™ to Rename He-Man “Xir-Person,” Following Hasbro’s LeadMattel CEO announces new “inclusive” additions to Masters of the Universe product line — Inspired by the progressivism of rival company Has™ (formerly Hasbro™), Mattel™ has announced it will be giving its popular He-Man™ action figure a new name: “Xir-Person.” This is the first of many expected changes at Mattel™. CEO Ynon Kreiz announced on Thursday that Xir-Person™ will be joined by several new…Culture2 min readCulture2 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Feb 25, 2021Member-onlyHasbro™ Drops “Mr.” from Potato Head Line, Is Pressured into Removing “-bro” from Company NameCEO Goldman apologizes for his company’s “toxic masculinity” — After removing the “Mr.” from its popular children’s toy “Mr. Potato Head,” Hasbro™ discovered another problematic label: the company’s own name. “We were alarmed to discover that our beloved company’s name is itself cisnormative, even patriarchal,” said CEO Brian Goldner said on Thursday. “It was originally a shortened version of…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Feb 10, 2021Member-onlyCDC Confirms “Simply Not Breathing” is More Effective than Double-Masking at Preventing Spread of COVID-19“We have no other choice but to follow the science.” — Double-masking can make a big difference, according to a study published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Triple-masking and quadruple-masking are even more effective,” the study’s conclusion explains. “But the most effective method for stopping the spread of COVID-19 is simply not breathing at all.” The researchers…Satire1 min readSatire1 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Jan 27, 2021Member-onlyJuggalo Who Mistook Capitol Riot for Insane Clown Posse Concert Questioned by FBI“I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did.” — The FBI has identified the Capitol Hill riot’s “Lone Juggalo” as 39-year-old Jason Stanley of Alexandria, VA. “I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did,” Stanley told the federal agents who interviewed him at his home in Harmony Place Trailer Park on Tuesday. “I was…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Published in Arc Digital·Jan 21, 2021Member-onlyWhen the Numbers LieThe data underlying the claim that police are three times likelier to use force against left-wing protesters is terminally flawed — One of the most shocking things about the assault on Capitol Hill was how woefully underprepared the Capitol Police were despite possessing ample intelligence concerning what the insurrectionists had planned. It was an appalling failure, as was the inexplicably delayed deployment of National Guard troops.Politics10 min readPolitics10 min read
Published in Arc Digital·Jan 11, 2021Member-onlyScapegoat the BastardConservatives should not allow an insurrectionary buffoon to hobble their opposition to progressive rule — Sing, O Muse, of the rage of Donald J. Trump, son of Fred, that brought countless ills upon the Americans! Or, rather, don’t sing. Fulminate, seethe, thunder, wail, gnash your teeth. Glory in the righteousness of your judgment. Your impulses are certainly just. How could they be otherwise? They’re yours…Politics6 min readPolitics6 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Updated Jan 5, 2021Member-onlyThe Booger Ted Cruz Ate During a 2016 Primary Debate Was Actually a Brain Parasite.Specialists warn it may still be contagious. — During the 11th GOP Primary Debate on March 3rd, 2016, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) became the source of joyful laughter across the nation when he ate what many thought to be a booger on live television. …Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Published in Infinite Quark·Dec 22, 2020Member-onlyCharlie Kirk: “Cash & Ass are the Future of American Conservatism”A future brought to you by Bang Energy Drinks. — Charlie Kirk scored a victory against the conservative establishment on Sunday night with a stunt in which scantily clad women shot cash out of a cannon at students attending his sixth annual Turning Point USA 2020 Student Action Summit. The 2,000-odd students—mostly sallow young men, mask-less and disaffected—were crammed inside…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
