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Justin Lee
Justin Lee

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Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Apr 6, 2021

Jordan Peterson Fanboys Scream “Hail Hydra!” after the Professor Reveals He has been Red Skull All Along

Peterson/Red Skull then announced plans to rid the planet of unclean rooms — On Tuesday, Canadian controversialist Jordan Peterson unceremoniously ripped off his flesh mask to reveal that he has been Red Skull—former head of Hydra and arch-nemesis of Captain America—all along. “To some of you this will come as a shock,” Peterson/Red Skull said during a Zoom-hosted MOOC. “But to those who…

Comedy

1 min read

Jordan Peterson Fanboys Scream “Hail Hydra!” after Learning He has been Red Skull All Along
Jordan Peterson Fanboys Scream “Hail Hydra!” after Learning He has been Red Skull All Along
Comedy

1 min read


Published in Arc Digital

·Mar 5, 2021

The “False Flag” False Binary

The mere presence of agents provocateur does not a false flag make — According to the Oregon Republican Party, the Capitol Hill riot of January 6 was a “false flag.” By a vote of 12–2, the party’s executive committee passed a resolution on January 18 which claimed: there is growing evidence that the violence at the Capitol was a “false flag” operation designed…

Politics

11 min read

The “False Flag” False Binary
The “False Flag” False Binary
Politics

11 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Feb 25, 2021

Mattel™ to Rename He-Man “Xir-Person,” Following Hasbro’s Lead

Mattel CEO announces new “inclusive” additions to Masters of the Universe product line — Inspired by the progressivism of rival company Has™ (formerly Hasbro™), Mattel™ has announced it will be giving its popular He-Man™ action figure a new name: “Xir-Person.” This is the first of many expected changes at Mattel™. CEO Ynon Kreiz announced on Thursday that Xir-Person™ will be joined by several new…

Culture

2 min read

Mattel™ to Rename He-Man “Xir-Person,” Following Hasbro’s Lead
Mattel™ to Rename He-Man “Xir-Person,” Following Hasbro’s Lead
Culture

2 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Feb 25, 2021

Hasbro™ Drops “Mr.” from Potato Head Line, Is Pressured into Removing “-bro” from Company Name

CEO Goldman apologizes for his company’s “toxic masculinity” — After removing the “Mr.” from its popular children’s toy “Mr. Potato Head,” Hasbro™ discovered another problematic label: the company’s own name. “We were alarmed to discover that our beloved company’s name is itself cisnormative, even patriarchal,” said CEO Brian Goldner said on Thursday. “It was originally a shortened version of…

Satire

2 min read

Hasbro™ Drops “Mr.” from Potato Head Line, Is Pressured into Removing “-bro” from Company Name
Hasbro™ Drops “Mr.” from Potato Head Line, Is Pressured into Removing “-bro” from Company Name
Satire

2 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Feb 10, 2021

CDC Confirms “Simply Not Breathing” is More Effective than Double-Masking at Preventing Spread of COVID-19

“We have no other choice but to follow the science.” — Double-masking can make a big difference, according to a study published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Triple-masking and quadruple-masking are even more effective,” the study’s conclusion explains. “But the most effective method for stopping the spread of COVID-19 is simply not breathing at all.” The researchers…

Satire

1 min read

CDC Confirms “Simply Not Breathing” is More Effective than Double-Masking at Preventing Spread of…
CDC Confirms “Simply Not Breathing” is More Effective than Double-Masking at Preventing Spread of…
Satire

1 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Jan 27, 2021

Juggalo Who Mistook Capitol Riot for Insane Clown Posse Concert Questioned by FBI

“I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did.” — The FBI has identified the Capitol Hill riot’s “Lone Juggalo” as 39-year-old Jason Stanley of Alexandria, VA. “I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did,” Stanley told the federal agents who interviewed him at his home in Harmony Place Trailer Park on Tuesday. “I was…

Satire

2 min read

Juggalo Who Mistook Capitol Riot for Insane Clown Posse Concert Questioned by FBI
Juggalo Who Mistook Capitol Riot for Insane Clown Posse Concert Questioned by FBI
Satire

2 min read


Published in Arc Digital

·Jan 21, 2021

When the Numbers Lie

The data underlying the claim that police are three times likelier to use force against left-wing protesters is terminally flawed — One of the most shocking things about the assault on Capitol Hill was how woefully underprepared the Capitol Police were despite possessing ample intelligence concerning what the insurrectionists had planned. It was an appalling failure, as was the inexplicably delayed deployment of National Guard troops.

Politics

10 min read

When the Numbers Lie
When the Numbers Lie
Politics

10 min read


Published in Arc Digital

·Jan 11, 2021

Scapegoat the Bastard

Conservatives should not allow an insurrectionary buffoon to hobble their opposition to progressive rule — Sing, O Muse, of the rage of Donald J. Trump, son of Fred, that brought countless ills upon the Americans! Or, rather, don’t sing. Fulminate, seethe, thunder, wail, gnash your teeth. Glory in the righteousness of your judgment. Your impulses are certainly just. How could they be otherwise? They’re yours…

Politics

6 min read

Scapegoat the Bastard
Scapegoat the Bastard
Politics

6 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Updated Jan 5, 2021

The Booger Ted Cruz Ate During a 2016 Primary Debate Was Actually a Brain Parasite.

Specialists warn it may still be contagious. — During the 11th GOP Primary Debate on March 3rd, 2016, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) became the source of joyful laughter across the nation when he ate what many thought to be a booger on live television. …

Satire

2 min read

The Booger Ted Cruz Ate During a 2016 Primary Debate Was Actually a Brain Parasite.
The Booger Ted Cruz Ate During a 2016 Primary Debate Was Actually a Brain Parasite.
Satire

2 min read


Published in Infinite Quark

·Dec 22, 2020

Charlie Kirk: “Cash & Ass are the Future of American Conservatism”

A future brought to you by Bang Energy Drinks. — Charlie Kirk scored a victory against the conservative establishment on Sunday night with a stunt in which scantily clad women shot cash out of a cannon at students attending his sixth annual Turning Point USA 2020 Student Action Summit. The 2,000-odd students—mostly sallow young men, mask-less and disaffected—were crammed inside…

Satire

2 min read

Charlie Kirk: “Cash & Ass are the Future of American Conservatism”
Charlie Kirk: “Cash & Ass are the Future of American Conservatism”
Satire

2 min read

Justin Lee

Justin Lee

6.9K Followers

Fictioneer | MFA, UC Irvine | Associate Editor @ArcDigi | Co-Founder/Editor @InfiniteQuark | justindeanlee.com

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