Mattel CEO announces new “inclusive” additions to Masters of the Universe product line

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Inspired by the progressivism of rival company Has™ (formerly Hasbro™), Mattel™ has announced it will be giving its popular He-Man™ action figure a new name: “Xir-Person.”

This is the first of many expected changes at Mattel™. CEO Ynon Kreiz announced on Thursday that Xir-Person™ will be joined by several new, more “inclusive” characters intended to add balanced representation to the Masters of the Universe™ line of action figures.

“Mattel has always prided itself on being a progressive company,” said Kreiz. “When He-Man was introduced in 1980, he may not have been the world’s first obviously homosexual action figure—that honor belongs…


CEO Goldman apologizes for his company’s “toxic masculinity”

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After removing the “Mr.” from its popular children’s toy “Mr. Potato Head,” Hasbro™ discovered another problematic label: the company’s own name.

“We were alarmed to discover that our beloved company’s name is itself cisnormative, even patriarchal,” said CEO Brian Goldner said on Thursday. “It was originally a shortened version of the old company name ‘Hassenfield Brothers.’ It never occurred to us that “bro” might trigger traumatic memories of dark experiences inside of college fraternity houses. We apologize from the bottom of our hearts for the pain caused by our toxic masculinity.”

Goldner then announced that the company is expurgating the…


“We have no other choice but to follow the science.”

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, who likes to stay ahead of the curve when he’s not flattening it, has been proudly double-masking AND holding his breath for more than three weeks.

Double-masking can make a big difference, according to a study published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Triple-masking and quadruple-masking are even more effective,” the study’s conclusion explains. “But the most effective method for stopping the spread of COVID-19 is simply not breathing at all.”

The researchers behind the report discovered that participants in Study Group 6—who wore 37 masks—were 100% protected from transmission of SARS-CoV-2, the airborne virus responsible for COVID-19. They were also 100% protected from transmission of oxygen molecules, the study notes.

“Based on the current science,” CDC spokesperson Wilhelmina Craven said Thursday, “the…


“I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did.”

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Jason Stanley takes a selfie at the Capitol Hill Insurrection on January 6, 2021.

The FBI has identified the Capitol Hill riot’s “Lone Juggalo” as 39-year-old Jason Stanley of Alexandria, VA.

“I kept waiting for the music to start playing, but it never did,” Stanley told the federal agents who interviewed him at his home in Harmony Place Trailer Park on Tuesday.

“I was driving through town on my way home from killing rats at the meat-packing plant when I saw this huge crowd of overweight white people on the Mall. They all had lawn chairs and face paint and were even drinking Faygo and Schlitz. I saw that and I thought, ‘Well, shit…


The data underlying the claim that police are three times likelier to use force against left-wing protesters is terminally flawed

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Members of the D.C. National Guard stand on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC as demonstrators participate in a peaceful protest against police brutality and the death of George Floyd. (Win McNamee/Getty)

One of the most shocking things about the assault on Capitol Hill was how woefully underprepared the Capitol Police were despite possessing ample intelligence concerning what the insurrectionists had planned. It was an appalling failure, as was the inexplicably delayed deployment of National Guard troops.

Many left-wing commentators, and more than a few on the center-right, have homed in on the disparity between the lax policing of the MAGA mob and the more robust policing of last summer’s Black Lives Matter demonstrations against the killing of George Floyd and other instances of police brutality. …


Conservatives should not allow an insurrectionary buffoon to hobble their opposition to progressive rule

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(Justin Lee/Arc Illustration)

Sing, O Muse, of the rage of Donald J. Trump, son of Fred, that brought countless ills upon the Americans!

Or, rather, don’t sing. Fulminate, seethe, thunder, wail, gnash your teeth. Glory in the righteousness of your judgment. Your impulses are certainly just. How could they be otherwise? They’re yours! So give in. Rage against his rage. Imitate it. Become it. Roll on the ground and slather that rage on your naked bodies and howl until your bellies distend, your hands and vocabularies shrink, your interiority vanishes, and your hair and skin turn orange. Unleash fire and fury. Do not…


Specialists warn it may still be contagious.

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Senatorial Parasite Ted Cruz (left); Trumpoplasmosis magai (right).

During the 11th GOP Primary Debate on March 3rd, 2016, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) became the source of joyful laughter across the nation when he ate what many thought to be a booger on live television. Now, experts are saying what appeared to be a booger was really a dangerous brain parasite: Trumpoplasmosis magai.

According to Johns Hopkins microbiologist Dr. Paul Kroogman, who recently analyzed a sample of Senator Cruz’s fecal matter he pilfered from a Houston Chick-fil-A, Trumpoplasmosis magai is similar to the more familiar Toxoplasmosis gondii parasite known to infect house cats, rodents and humans, causing the latter…


A future brought to you by Bang Energy Drinks.

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WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — DECEMBER 20th: Charlie Kirk fondles what he likes to call “tig ol’ biddies” at the Turning Point USA 2020 Student Action Summit.

Charlie Kirk scored a victory against the conservative establishment on Sunday night with a stunt in which scantily clad women shot cash out of a cannon at students attending his sixth annual Turning Point USA 2020 Student Action Summit.

The 2,000-odd students—mostly sallow young men, mask-less and disaffected—were crammed inside the Palm Beach County Convention Center hoping to hobnob with the likes of Donald Trump Jr., Sen. Ted Cruz, Rudy Guiliani, Laura Ingraham and other political B-listers, when Kirk burst onto the stage with a gaggle of Eastern European models and a cash cannon.

“Are you ready to bang?” Kirk…


My life was destroyed by a film. Yours might be too.

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Views of Paris, France — Gargoyles at Notre Dame Cathedral in the 1st district. (Francois Le Diascorn/Getty)

Arc Digital presents original horror fiction for Halloween.


A review of Rod Dreher’s “Live Not By Lies”

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Adapted from the cover art of Rod Dreher’s “Live Not By Lies” (Sentinel, 2020).

“It will never happen, and when it does, you bigots will deserve it.”

—Dreher’s Law of Merited Impossibility

Rod Dreher has been sounding the alarm for years about the coming of “soft totalitarianism,” under which political freedom is trampled less by government jackboots than by legally-sanctioned coercion in the private sphere. His bestselling 2017 book The Benedict Option exhorted Christians (and traditional Jews and Muslims) to turn their focus inward and shore up their faith and communities through discipleship and the cultivation of counter-cultural life practices modeled on the Rule of St. Benedict in order to withstand the dissolving forces…

Justin Lee

Fictioneer | MFA, UC Irvine | Associate Editor @ArcDigi | Co-Founder/Editor @InfiniteQuark | justindeanlee.com

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