Chapter 2: Fight “Something Mysterious Is Born”

“Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.” Leah LaBelle

In that summer I went to my mother’s side of the family reunion. In my family, we have a reunion every two years. My family came from across the US to Atlanta, Georgia. It was great seeing them all. I was having such a joyous time with my family. The people over my family reunion had activities for everyone to do like play basketball, going on tours, cookouts, and etc. When the days were over and the adults wanted to sit down to rest. The children would go to play at the hotel pool. On one of those nights I talked to God and he heard me.

I was standing by the pool looking at how the moon was reflecting off the water. The moon was as white as cream cheese; there were no stars in the night sky. There were a couple of cumulus clouds coming from the west. It liked like it was going to rain in a couple of days. I heard foot steps behind me. I start to look out of my peripheral view. I saw my cousin push me in the pool. Comply submerged under water, I started to kick and move my hands around frantically. Obviously I couldn’t swim at the time. I started to panic. I didn’t want to drown but I didn’t know what to do. I could not scream for help because if I opened my mouth I would take in more water then I was already taking in. After 10 seconds of kicking my heart out I was got tired because I was using so much energy. I sank to the bottom of the pool. With all the energy I had left in my legs. I pushed myself back up and took a big breath of air. I looked around for anyone to help me, but with no luck I didn’t see anyone. By that time my lungs were almost full to capacity with water. I manage to turn around to my left and saw my infant cousin look at me. In my mind I was thinking you do see me draining in front of you help. Help me!!!

I took in too much water and I couldn’t breathe anymore. I started to sink again. In the back of my mind I know this was the last time but I didn’t have anything left in the tank. I expected my faith, and I stopped fighting to live. I just let it all go. As I was sinking I looked at the moon one more time. I started to pray to God. I said God? Is this all you had for me? I thought I was special to you? I thought I was your son? If I was going to die like this you could have killed me in my mother’s womb. As I was closing my eyes I thought I heard his voice. “Don’t be afraid” His voice was proportional, powerful, but it had peace. He spoke with unreal grandiose authority. I don’t know what I said back or if I did say anything back but my eyes closed and I blacked out. I sank like a rock to the bottom of the pool. When I came to I was in my step father arm as he carrying me to get help. I can’t remember anything after that just me coughing up water. I learned that night I understand if I call on the lord name in time of trouble he will hear me. No matter what I’m going through, what I’m in, or what I’m around he will not forsake me.

After my near death scare, I started to pray every night that God would make me into somebody important, great, but manly into someone who was a leader. I started to research great people. I wanted to find out what it took to be great, what it looked like to standout of the crowd, and how do they know what their purpose is? I would go on YouTube and try to find an interview, video, book, anything I could find to answer this questions. I was truly hunger to make a change in my life. One person story spoke truth in my life was Chis Rock. He was comedian who didn’t finish high school, he was bulled, and he had to see the darkness that is racism. He had a dream to be a world famous comedian and he went after his dream. He is one of the best top 10 comedians ever. His story truly inspired me plus I loved “Everybody Hates Chris”. What I find to be the key ingredient in great success was passion but at the time didn’t know my passion. I felt stuck because subconsciously I know God heard me that night. He had a purpose for me and he awarded me another opportunity at life. I wanted to waste my life.

In the fall of that year I enrolled at Floyd middle school. When I got there I felt out of places. I could fit in but I didn’t belong there. I like around at my 6th grade peers and saw vanity. Don’t think I’m better than them because if I had it. I would be right in the mist of it. I wanted to fit in so bad but God didn’t call me to do that. I felt like a peasant looking in a rich peoples Manson dreaming and I wishing I lived in there. Still I was a class clown. I didn’t stay focused on my work. I don’t even remember me doing work at Floyd. They told us to read 2 out of 5 books over the summer. I remember I pick up one book and start reading it and saying “this is trash and walked away.” I was far from a scholar but whenever I could make someone laugh I felt alive. I didn’t know why but one of my biggest gifts and talent was preforming in front of people. I loved feeling the energy of the room and controlling it to give people the best experience. As some people say “I’m a nature”. As for me, I would say it give me the attention and the confidence I desperately needed.

One interesting thing was I started to understand the girls I liked, but I was still too shy to talk to them in a romantic way. There was this girl name Kierra Ross. At the time (don’t know about now) she was tone and fit do to cheerleading I found out years later. She was smart (one of the smarts girls in 6th grade), and tale. She was the type of girl I liked. In my eyes she was the crème Dela cram. I could never find time to talk to her or just didn’t want to make time. Only time I would have talk to her was in the hallway. Her friends and guys would surround her like she was the queen bee. I said if there was a fire, she would die because there was no way out for her. Plus what do I look likes say excuse, excuse me. I’m trying to talk to Kierra. The risk was way too high. If said the wrong thing I would be made fun of. I couldn’t take that risk. I would never see her in a class because she was in all or most AP class. As for me I was in regular and or remedial classes. The perfect song that matches that moment was J Cole Lyrics in 03' Adolescence, “I grew up, a fucking screw up. Tie my shoe up, wish they was newer. Damn, need something newer. In love with the baddest girl in the city, I wish I knew her. I wish I won’t so shy, I wish I was a bit more fly. I wish that I could tell her how I really feel inside, that I’m the perfect nigga for her, but then maybe that’s a lie. She like a certain type of nigga, and it’s clear I’m not that guy, Ball player, star player, I’m just watchin’ from the side. On the bench, cause my lack of confidence won’t let me fly…”

I was not smooth at all. I urinated on myself in the restroom because I held my pee too long. I had to walk back in class and go in front of the whole class with wet jeans. *Side note I only had 2 pairs of jeans*. This girl stops me and says to me, “did you pee on yourself?” I lied and say no it’s just water and sit down. Imagine me getting with Kierra. The girl of my dreams at the time, that’s like liking at the sun for hours and. hoping not to get blind.

Life at Floyd middle school had its ups and Dows but I made it through my 6th grade year. My mom had been looking at this new school called Imagine International Academy of Mableton. She said there was a waiting list to go there, but we might have a chance. She asked me “if you could go there, would you?” I didn’t know that it was her dream to send me to private school. I just said to her anything is better than Floyd. A couple of months later there was an opening and I was accepted. She so enthusiastic and excited for me to go to Imagine because she knows I need to be in a smaller environment to learn.

Starting in 2008, I walked through the door of Imagine. I was very intrigued by this newly built building. The color of the school was red, black, and white. Are mascot was a mustang horse. I walked in like this is cool because I had a new fresh start. I can now be whoever I want to be. My family moved to Boggs rd. At Floyd I was out of district so it was not easy meeting up with friends but now I could actually make friends that lived by me. I know this one fantastic girl. She was truly one of a kind Christina Freeman. She showcase confidence at it heights form. I know her because my mom and my sister would go get their hair done at Ms. Michelle beauty shop. I think my mom wanted me to date her. She said to me one day “Are you having sex?” I said “mom, leave me alone.” Then she said “If you are at least let it be with Christina. I like her.” I just walked away.

I loved every minute at Imagine. It was a lot of love in that place. I really think people actually cared for one another. We were just not students but we were all friends. We all came from different walks of life but we all made this school. You latterly could make a comity sitcom out of that 2008 and 2009 class.

Even being at Imagine I still feel the gaping hole that was pour out. I wanted to prove to all my teachers that I was worthy of their love. One teacher I respected was teacher was Dr. Ellis. People in the school looked at him like they revered him and they wanted to know his opinion on certain matter. He always had something to say. He could be cold at times. For example I could be talking to him about what was on my mind. His persona would imply that he just didn’t care. He was a very snappy teacher. For some reason I wanted his approval. I think the reason why is because he was the close thing to a successful man in my mind at the time and I wanted to learn what it took to get there. It seemed like he only cared about the academically gifted students. His pupil was Michael porter. This boy was smart! I think he could have (if he not now) be a genies. I respected him because his family raised him to be a respectful young man with poise. Even when he when he was about to get into a fight with someone he had this demeanor of calmness. I understood why he chooses him as a pupil, but I still had jealousy in my heart.

My family life was not in the best of times. My Step dad and mother were getting a divorce. I had knowledge of what a divorce is but I didn’t understand the pain and separation it creates in a family. My mom came to me and said “me and carl are separating.” I said “ok.” I didn’t really feel anything at the time or cared. We were never the happy black family you would see at Sunday dinners. When we did have dinner it would be my mom, sister, and I playing the table manner game. My dad would always be out working on his dream to be a world famous singer. Only time I saw him was at night.

I remember he was annoyed me about something and I did not want to hear it. I lashed out at him. I said something vindictive that I know would hurt him I said “stop talking to me. You’re not my dad. ” When I said those words and saw his facial structure change I know I did something wrong. It looked like something broke inside of him. His shoulders dropped and he looked down at the ground. I felt so bad after that. He didn’t deserve that. He was trying the best he could to provide for our family while chasing his dreams. After that day I have never said anything distrustful to him because of the guilt and now that guilt turned in to respect. In all I have written so far talking about that was the close time I came to crying. I felt the tears droplet starting to form in my eye lids just now. A couple of year later, I find out his story dealing with his parent’s death. It all made since on why he did most of the things he did. I just think of all my pain then timing that by hundred.

I think the divorce hurt my sister the most. She needed a father figure in the house. Someone to tell her you matter and I love you. Her father was more of a body and not a presents. I saw all the pain, the tears, and the mask she wore to hide it all. I wanted to be there for her more but I didn’t feel that I was strong enough to help. I didn’t know what to say or do. I want to tell her you don’t need to wear makeup or those types of clothes. You beautiful and perfect the way you are and if guys don’t like you for you fuck them you don’t need them. Those words sound good but let’s be honest how am I going to say that to her if I don’t love myself. My mom did not show her emotion to me, so I never really found out what she thought about the divorce till years later.

One thing that everyone agreed on was that we all saw Corintha in pain. When you looked at her when she was mad. You could see the hurt that turned in to anger. She was a very harsh when she got mad. Latterly I was like wow. This can’t be my big sis. This can’t be the girl who is so sweet and loving to me. When we were young we talk to each other all the time. We would be in to deferent thing but we both always laughed together. We would fight over the TV. I watched TV in the morning and she watched at night. Very bad decision on my part because we were never home in the morning. Those were good times but things changed. I loved her but I was scared of what she would say if I told her the truth on how she affected me. I think her anger tear our communication apart. She was a verbal abuser to people but not me. She would cut you to the core with her words. She started to cuss at mom, hit mom, and one time she spit on mom. I was so angry with her. I wanted to hit her but my mom though me not to hit women. I would talk to my mom about it. She would put down her head and say she going through a lot. I just didn’t understand the level of disrespect. I’m not a hypocrite I have cuss at my mom few time too when I got older, which is not actable. I never called my mom out her name. We were like complete opposite. She verbal, I was quit. She had more friends, I had little. She was smart, I was illiterate. I was always envious of her talents. I believe and still do now that whatever she put her mind to she could do. She had and has everything to overcome anything.

As that was going on at home. I started to act out in school. Usually I’m a class clown but I started to be defiant to some of my teachers. Not because I didn’t like them but I just need to dump my anger from home somewhere. It was after school and I walked in to band practice. When I walk in the teacher told me “yes Justin what do you need?” I said “fuck you and shut the fuck up” I walked out. The whole class heard what I said. He stops the class and walks in the hallway. I was halfway down the hall by the time he yells out “come here!” I wasn’t going to stop but my consents wouldn’t let me go any further. I walked back with an attitude like don’t piss me off because there’s more where that came from. At first he was angry but his mood changed. He asks me “what wrong?” I didn’t look him in the eye because I didn’t want to talk about it. At Imagine I was going through a lot of changes in me, at home, and at school. I didn’t talk about it with anyone. The reason why is because I didn’t know the right words to say.

One situation that affected me in school was when my dad bought me shoes from the gas station. He pulls up to Shell gas station for something. I sit in the van watching as the cars going by. He walks back to the car and open the door and say “Hi, Jay come inside and look at this shoe.” In my mind I didn’t even want to look at them because I didn’t want gas station shoes. I put my pride to the side and went in. He pointed at them and said “which ones do you want?” I looked at them. They were off band Nike Air force ones shoe. I choose the shoes that were tan and white with sway. I didn’t know if he was thinking this is a good gift but I was not happy. I think he bought them because he didn’t buy me anything for school. I just didn’t say anything out of respect to him and our financial situation. I only had there pair of shoes and they were one of them. Now thinking about it I was bless because some people had less. I would wear the Gas satiation shoes to school. No one was making fun of me about them and the shoes kind of looked cool if the sun light shined on them in a certain angel. I was really starting to like them.

As the class is sitting down in a group talking about something a boy named Jeremie looks down at my shoe and says “where did you get your shoe from?” I was feeling good at the time because I had everyone laughing. I said back “the store.” He makes this face that I could tell he know the truth. I start saying in my head, “this nigga better not say anything.” But of course being who he was as a person he did. He says “I saw those at the gas station” and starts to laugh. He goes on to say “you couldn’t go to the shoe store to buy shoes.” I said their not bad shoes, but he says again “their gas station shoes. They are not even named band shoes” Everyone around us was making a face like that’s not fun and you’re a dick. I felt embraced and as I was about to walk away. This girl name Brandi Preston says “they don’t look bad to me. I like them”. Jeremie stop laughing and try’s to plea his cases but she was not hearing it. She tells him off. I couldn’t help but crack a smile. I could see he really admired her. He says something stupid to her then all the girls said something. All the guys started to laugh at him. He got mad and walks away. I didn’t like her in a romantic way but that day to this day she will always have a special place in my heart. Like the Lyle Song “Must be nice, having someone who loves you despite your faults.” When I got home I put those shoes in my closet and never saw them again.

I never told my mom about the situation at the school, but she took me shoe shopping couple of months later. My mom take me to Hobbit Spot store. She bought me my first pair of Jordan’s shoes. It was the Carmelo Jordan’s shoe. I was so happy. I said to myself now laugh at me. People would say nice shoes and I would say “yeah I had them for a while now”. Then I starting to try to be a rebel in school. I didn’t want to be known as the nice guy but the guy no one could control. I started to steal thing and be more disruptive in class. My science teacher Ms. done was not letting people go to the restroom because she was teaching something. I really had to go. So I’m talking to my friend as she is talking and I tell him, “man I have to go pee. I’m about to pee in this bottle.” He says you’re not going to pee in a bottle. I hate when people tell me I can and can’t do. I said “yeah watch me.” I put my hand up and pleaded with her to let me go to the restroom. She finally says” fine Justin go.” I take the bottle with me and head to the restroom. When I got in the restroom. I started to take to myself and said am I going to really do this. I have nothing to prove. I thought of all the times of when I got slapped in the face. I said I’m going to do this because I want respect, so I peed in the bottle. Put it in my pocket. By the time I got back in the class the whole class know what I was doing. When I set down. I pulled it out of my pocket and said see. Everyone started to look. I felt like the man. In side I was like look at me. I’m a rebel you can’t touch me. Don’t even try to fight me I’m crazy.

The fame lasted like 5–10 minutes. After that everyone was on the next thing. As for the bottle I put it in my teacher’s cabinet. I forget about it. Couple of days later Mr. Ellis call me out of the class. He looks at me in the eye and says be honest with me. Did you pee in the bottle? I could see he already know the truth but he wanted to know from me if it was true. I wanted to lie but the other side me. The real Justin said “no don’t lie live up to it”. I said “yes, it was me”. He asked me why did you do it? I didn’t remember what I said but I think it went like this, I was trying to be cool in front of other. He looked at me and laugh because he know I was a good kid. He told me that she put the bottle to hear noise and smelt it. We both laughed at it. In that moment I know I made the right choose of telling the truth. I made my first but not many connection to my favorite teacher. He told me that you know I have to spend you from school for this. I said ok. They were going to spend me for 1–3 days. The worst part is that they told my mom.

My mom came in the office with poised mind but I know she was mad as hell. The school spend me and I had to walk to the car with her. At first she was made with me but then she came to a simmer. She know how to push my button. She told me in her political voice I had to go to work with my dad. I hated going to work with him. He and my biological father were handy men. I felt like that was a degrading job. I felt like only people that had no money did that job. When I went to work with my dad I thought that why do I need to know how to fix this stuff. I’m going to have the money fix this so I don’t have to know. I knew what he was try to do. He was teaching me to be a man. When something breaks down it up to you to fix it. You’re the man in the family it’s your job. At the time it hurt being a man because my biological father was not one. He choose drugs over siblings and me. My aunty RERE would tell me stories of how much he loved me? He would hold me in his arms and swing me around. He would throw me in the air and I would smile because I know he would catch me. Going to work with my dad reminded me of my father.

Even though I hated those 3 days of doing handyman work with my dad, it thought me not to run from my problems but facing them like how a man should. Working in the hot sun grabbing, lifting, and holding material thought me that there are consequences to my action good and or bad. My mom would always tell me don’t run from problems but push forward. Look the problem in the eye and don’t have fear in it because God will see me through. What I was looking in the eye was I don’t want to be like my father. I didn’t hate him but I hated the choices he made. I didn’t want to run from responsibilities by shutting down, using drugs, using women, or using alcohol. I was teaching myself to effectively communicate my thoughts and feeling.

It was hard learning how to be a man from a woman. It was difficult because my mom had to be my father and my mother. She was mentally stronger and spiritually sound. Her up bring made her into that type of woman. Her parents were alcoholics in their youth. My mom would tell me stories of how they would fight each other every weekend. She would say she felt embarrass and shamed. It got so bad one time that my grandmother eye came out the socket. After my grandfather and grandmother divorce with God’s strength my grandfather changed his ways. He turned in to a strong male provider in my mother life. My mom wanted to teach me how to provide for myself but ultimately for my own family. I understood why my mom was as strong as she was. Her teachings set the foundation to be an upright and honest man.

After I came back from my suspension my mother found a local boxing gym in a plaza by our house. I was nervous because I never been in a fight but now I’m going to be fighting almost every day. I loved the rush and the trill of start to learning how to protect myself. My mom and I walk in this small building. The building is probably as big as a one story house. A 5’6 African man walk up to us. He was dark skin with a short haircut. His name was Nguyen. He said how you are doing today. We both said “Good.” My mom looks at me, and then she looks at him. My mom says “my son wants to do boxing. How much is it going to be?” They talk I walk to the heave punching bag and hit it little. It was as hard as a rock. He walks up to me and looks at me and asked “what is wrong with your arm in his African accident.” He said we start training today. Go home and get short and a shirt.” I say “ok” so I leave and come back. He wraps my hands with red hand wrap. Then he points at some gloves in box and says “put on those gloves.” I put them on and they were sweaty. I said this can’t be sanitary. We were standing in front of the heave punching bag. He says this is what I want you to do and he hit it. As he makes contact with the black leather with is palm of his hand. He yells “Bam!!” the bag flays back. I was like dam this must be the African Mr.Myagi. He looks at me and says you try. I used all my strength and hit it. He said “you would have more power in your punch if you would put your feet a little forward and bend your knees. Turn your body as you punch”. I practice that for a whole week learning how to throw a punch and footwork. He would say “It’s all about technique”.

Every day as I practice I would look at the ring and see people sparring. I said one day I want to spare with someone. Nguyen said “OK”. He told one of the women named Michael to look over us. She was a trainer and a boxer at the gym. He was light skin with hazel eyes. He was muscular. She was not ripped but sold. She had an energized but stern voice. She called all the young men together. I remember it all. We all got up on the side of the ring. It was hot and humid in the room. The lights were off so it would be cooler. The front and back door were open for the breeze to come though the building. The lady over us came to the middle of the ring and grouped us of by weight to spare. We were up first. The rounds were Five minutes long. I couldn’t believe I was about to fight somebody. She said come on. I got in and put in my mouth piece. I looked at him and he look at me. She said “readddyyyyyy begin” I charred in and start throwing punches. He had his hands up blocking them. I was just going after him. I thought to myself this is a piece of cake, then he jabs me right in the face. I took a step back. I shook it off and came back at him. Then he hit me with another jab, then another, they just keep coming. Michael said “put your hand up” I didn’t care what she said because I just wanted to whip is ass. I just got frustrated and I started to feel the tear coming. I keep charging and charging after him. Out of nowhere the bell ringed. I stopped. I was so mad with myself. I looked like a little punk bitch in the ring. The rest of the time at the gym I zone out because of negative self-talk.

When everyone was leaving to go home Michael came to me and said “The reason why you lose is not because you could not beat him. You had my energy then him. You could have run circles around him. The reason why you lose is because you lack dispend. You need to keep your hands up, move around the ring, and counter punch. You need defense. Good for you I’m good all those thing. I will show you how it’s done.” The next day Michael was on my ass. She gave me a reason to push myself. I had to do 5 reaps of flip a truck tire up and down a hill that was about a mile long in 90 degree weather. Every Thursdays we race one another and run 5 miles, after that we hit the bags for an hour then we spared. I spared everyone in the gym. What blow me away was that I could use my left arm not only to fight but I could now use it in everyday life like grabbing a cup with my left hand. I still couldn’t lift my hand above my head but I could stop being a physical victim. Every day I got better and better. I got fast, got lean, but more than anything I got more confidences. Mr. Nguyen came up to me and said “keep training you could be as good as Muhammad Ali. Keep pushing yourself”. I wanted to prove to prove to everyone no matter how much work I had to put into reach my goal I will reach it.

The training I was doing at the gym started to pay off at school. I became better at exerting myself in conversation. I started to speak my mind when people would make jokes. I actually started to make jokes about them and not be so uptight about it all. It was all in fun. I started to see myself as equal to everyone else. I could look in the mirror and not hatred what I saw. I start to love my brown skin, my eyes, my lips and my smile. It was like my smile became truly genuine smile that everyone could feel the love radiating from it. I was finding peace in myself because I know if I was put in a situation where someone put their hands on me I could hold my own. I learned that I could hurt someone if I wanted to but instead of me looking for problems I didn’t want any. I become more poised as a young man because I had confidents in myself. I embrace me for me. I was moving in the right direction in my life.

I don’t know if you have ever felt like as soon as something good happens in your life something bad happens. Well that happened to me. My friend Christen and I were in class. We got into a decision of who look better. We went back and forth until we got to the point where we said “Ok, let ask someone who looks better”. We get up and went to this girl and asked “who looks better.” First thing she liked Christen so I should have known what she would say. To me she was not the best looking girl in the school. She said Christen. I tried laughing it off because I know it was bias. Deep, deep down in my self-subconscious mind it hurt my confidents. I work so hard to build it up but in one day it started to crumble. The wall didn’t break down fast but it broke down slowly with every piece of brick breaking off. Stuff like that for me mess with my mind. My mind would play games with me by say “your ugly, she was right about you, no one will ever find you attractive.” I never let that go. Ever positive thought that I had about physical looks would be blitzed by that a negative thought of that memory. Indirectly it affected me till my first girlfriend in high school.

Even though that moment lived inside of me and I never forgot that moment. Boxing thought me to fight for what I want and what I wanted was not to be fragile no more. I was now willing to start to fight to feel comfortable in my own skin. No matter what people said, did or think. I was determent to not play to victim no more. I said to myself I will not be a victim to my special needs, my physical defeat or not have my father around. In those last days of middle school I put my flag in the ground or at least I started to dig the whole for my flag. My first step to my calling and purpose was to understand my worth even though I felt at time worthless, ashamed, or ugly. I know I had value to give to the world and there was something in the world that God made for. I find my gift is not my words but my sprite. My sprite for the first time was lit. It was a very small flame burning deep within me. Over the years God would form it in to my signature passionate voice that has noble intimate power behind it. Has Jay Z says in A Star Is Born, “Every day a star is born”. Truly something was born inside of me and it had a lot to say.