My Dad Is A Mafia Member?


To start things off so we’re all on the same page, this is a satire made completely for shits and giggles this is NOT in any way factual… to the best of my knowledge. So any officers or mafia members reading this please don’t kill or arrest my family or me.

One of my good friends was afraid of my dad from the day he met him; he always told me so. Every time he saw my dad he was on the phone talking stern to the person on the other end of the line, always wearing nice Italian designer shirts, sometimes a suit. He said, “He looked like he was in the mafia”… Whatever you say buddy. That statement got me thinking and actually got under my skin, what if my dad actually was in the mafia?

My Father would tell me stories about our family coming from Italy long ago. Cool! One of these stories included his remembrance of his uncle always wearing suits, driving in a limo to his baseball games. His uncle was very secretive not giving much of his story leading my dad to believe my uncle was in the mafia as well. My dad is a hard workingman, always self-driven, has tons of persistence and has his own growing company.

He is a workingman, always busy. He owns a construction business, which is completely perfect as a cover job. It would be easy to hide bodies; simply cover them in the cement of the worksite floor, no one would find them. It would also make it easy to launder dirty money to and fro. Aside from work he is a competitive road cyclist, riding in the Tour Of California this year. He loves to keep in shape, but it gives him reasons to disappear for a week at a time to “work out” up in the hills. He’s most likely getting some dirty work done.

Somehow he seems to always keep tabs on me, it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. He always knows exactly where I am, what I’m doing and whom I’m doing it with. How he does this, I have no idea. I could be doing something completely isolated and by myself and he will still somehow catch wind of what I’ve been doing. I haven’t caught anyone following me quite yet, I’m sure I will eventually.

A lot of people are actually afraid of my dad, co-workers included. Some seem to disappear, never to be heard from again. Where they go I have no idea. Today I was talking to my dad and he was talking about where we would go if we ever needed to skip country. Why would we ever need to skip country? And why is he so prepared if we were to do so?

Even if my dad isn’t in the mafia, which I’m sure he is I still respect what he does. He’s a family man and maybe secretly Heisenberg of the mafia, I love him just the same. If I turn up dead or somehow have disappeared after this article is published, you know where to look. And if not, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

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