From the Hustle to the Hush
Hooked on Chaos, Unraveled by Silence: A Journey from the Maddening Crowd to the Soul’s Embrace
The Lures of Modern Life
To catch your attention. What a perfect phrase — the process of luring the mind onto a hook so that it can be pulled from its environment. We live in a world where our attention is constantly being lured by various delicious-looking bait. Our phone screens, with their vibrant colors and high resolution, resemble a buffet of sweet candy laid before our watering mouths. Action-packed games and TV shows are so stimulating that our eyes remain glued to the screens for hours, biological needs forgotten. Money and its pursuit churn in our minds as we try to fall asleep. How can we focus on anything of our choosing when every turn leads us to a new baited hook, ready to catch us again?
I’ve suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts since the start of the pandemic. Working in healthcare, the endless stress and impossible work/life balance were the catalysts that accelerated my mental health from manageable to suicidal. For the last year, I’ve been intensely searching for a remedy. I’m not interested in feeling just a little bit better; I want to be joyous and live in bliss. “Naive,” I hear you shouting, to search for such a life. Perhaps; but what’s the point of a life lived on someone else’s hook?
The silver lining of suicidal ideation, if one can call it that, is that it frees the mind to imagine a different world. Suicide, for me, was the idea of leaving behind this world where I felt helplessly trapped. With time and healing, I’ve realized that there are two ways to leave the world: one with your physical life, and one with your mind alone. I moved to the Shenandoah mountains during the pandemic to escape the world, to move away from all the lures that captured my mind. However, modern rural life is hardly a meditation in isolation at the top of a mountain. I couldn’t find freedom for my mind, even here.
Finding Silence
Recently, I’ve found silence. Perhaps obviously, in silence, I’ve been able to see the lures that surround my life exactly as they are — bait for the mind that leads to a trap for the soul. I attended Jess Frey and Edi Pasalis’ silent retreat at Kripalu last week. A week in silence, what a treat; and by treat, I mean treatment. I hear you losing interest right here — “I can’t be silent for a week, I can’t do it. I can’t disconnect from the outside world; too many things need my attention.” You can, and they don’t. Simple as that. Let me tell you about silence; I hope to change your mind.
During my time in silence, I read Eknath Easwaran’s “Essence of the Bhagavad Gita.” The Bhagavad Gita is an ancient text that describes the steps to live a joyous and blissful life. It’s remarkably simple — the instructions are to be still and listen to the soul; it knows the way to freedom from the world and its many mind traps. That’s it. No prayers, no rituals, no tithing or down payments to someone else to show you the way to happiness. Just teach the mind to be still, and the wisdom of your soul will guide you to joy and bliss. Is clarity worth a week of silence? I think it’s worth a lifetime.
The Beginning
The start of a silent retreat at Kripalu is about relaxing and unwinding. The mind, having been pulled and yanked about, caught on hooks in our lives so sophisticated that we don’t feel their barbs, needs to breathe. The first day of silence feels like a giant exhale, the kind of deep breath you take at the end of a long day when you land, exhausted, in your bed and feel yourself rest for the first time in what feels like years, or perhaps lifetimes. On this first day, I felt a little nudge deep inside, a feeling that I had arrived in intensive care, and the first inkling of feeling better was starting to be noticeable. I was feeling different, although I didn’t know how.
Meeting With Love
Oh, what a marvel, the dance of the mind,
Its tricks and its turns, a labyrinth to find,
A lure to strive forward into awareness, you see,
But beware, dear friend, it’s not all it claims to be.The reality that’s not real, a mirage in the haze,
Holds tightly to the notion, in its mysterious ways,
That it’s the truth, the essence, the core of our being,
But love’s sight in the darkness is the only true seeing.It’s all that exists, this love, pure and bright,
A beacon in the night, our eternal guiding light,
So let’s toast to love, and its unending embrace,
For in the end, it’s love that wins the eternal race.
The second day was about bringing awareness to the senses. The lures that we chase all day have numbed our senses, overloaded them with a million tiny pulls and yanks on the hooks buried in our attention. We went outside to feel the soft soggy grass between our toes and the brilliant Berkshire sunlight on our faces. I could feel my body rejoicing in the feeling, the memory of a way of living connected to myself and the world around me. That first sip of wine, the hit of a drug, the soothing feeling of that vice for which we long, replaced by the ecstasy of being able to feel my body once again.
The Witness
Awaken, O Witness grand,
The temple stands, not built by hand.
Its gardens lush, a fragrant breeze,
A lake alive, a soul at ease.In your name, consciousness awakes,
Wind blows where the heart partakes.
Flower turns to the golden sun,
Eagle eyes the rabbit — the chase begun.Awareness glimpses its reflection,
In the garden of the temple’s perfection.
A dance of life, a cosmic jest,
In your name, we’re but guests.
Welcome to Hard
The middle of the retreat was hell. A fellow student said, during reflection after the week, that he felt trapped in a silent prison. We all nodded. After three days of silence, our brains were in full-scale withdrawal from the chemicals they secrete when bombarded with things designed to catch our attention. In Eknath’s book, he likens training the mind to be still, teaching it not to be dependent on the drugs it makes when attention is captured, to training a dog. “It is almost like training a dog: you bring it back, calmly and patiently, until it learns.” This is hard, boring work, and I felt just as trapped as everyone else.
In my discomfort with being imprisoned in my own head, I started to treat my mind rather poorly. When I caught my awareness wandering from where I had put it, on my breath, I would yank it back. Frustrated with a mind that had a life of its own, wandering around from idea to idea, I felt like I had an energetic toddler in my mind, pulling out old memories and shiny new ones and tossing them on the floor. This was the work, the vitally important work of teaching the mind to be still, to be quiet, to rest. The realization that changed how I felt came when I understood my mind was the very thing that needed to be loved; it was the thing yearning for that feeling of fullness, of happiness, that feels impossible when it is depressed.
Rest On Me
Wander, ponder, leap, and stray,
Chase, sniff, dart, and play,
Mind’s dance in endless fray,
Be still, dear thoughts, come what may.See where this winding path has led?
A maze of dreams inside your head,
Recall the whispered words once said,
Pause and stare, what lingers there?Pull the leash, but not too tight,
Training the mind takes gentle might,
Warm embrace, no force, no fight,
Come home to peace, embrace the night.Rest on me, your thoughts unwind,
No collar, no lead, love’s the bind,
Tranquil heart, a quiet mind,
Rest on me, and peace you’ll find.
Bliss and the Path to Find It
We began to exit our state of silence on the afternoon of the fourth day. In a very controlled and quiet space, we spoke our truth to silent listeners. Small groups of students sat together and, one by one, spoke while the others listened. Five minutes of talking felt like a lifetime; truth doesn’t take that long to come out. I spoke about the clarity I had found, a distance from the tumultuous convulsions of my mind. I could see that the stories I told myself about the world simply weren’t true and didn’t matter. My mind is crazy, aimless, and distractable. Letting my mind lead my life’s way and interpret the world around me is like putting that same energetic toddler behind the wheel of a fast car and hoping to get to a destination of my liking, or any destination at all. Perhaps trusting my mind to lead is the part that is crazy?
Creator of Worlds
In somber, sad silence we dwell,
Indulging the weather of life’s passing swell,
Feel the force of the wind, yet remain still,
A squall in a bottle, a tempest’s thrill.See the ship inside, tossed and turned,
Thrown in chaos, lessons learned,
While you watch from calm, unshaken, wise,
Rejoice in the storm, embrace the skies.Creator of the wind, ship, and bottle, too,
You are awareness, a force pure and true,
God is in the still water, a reflection so grand,
Reflecting on the ocean, calmed by your hand.
The surreal nature of a reality about to change, the last evening of the retreat was euphoric. I had found a clarity for my life. It is simple — be still. The wisdom of a 2000-year-old text, the Bhagavad Gita, outlines exactly the realization I had for myself. Freedom is a quiet mind. Joy and bliss are a state of consciousness beyond the capacity of the mind’s meandering and impatient temperament. I was able to see my mind, and all of its ups and downs, and wrap my arms around it with love. In that moment of embrace, the deep, profound longing for a sense of connection with the world outside was satiated. The love I had been seeking outside of myself doesn’t exist, and the reflections and mirages of it that do are fleeting. Profound happiness is easy to have; be still, and you are submerged within it.
And with that, this last poem came to me in a rush.
Whispering God’s Name
We speak of the Lord in whispers soft,
Embarrassed, are we, for love aloft?
A path so clear, yet hidden from view,
Shame in our eyes, our steps untrue.Does life not sing in God’s grand name?
Love, loss, grief, joy — life’s fickle game,
The band’s all tuned, ready to play,
Why whisper low ‘neath music’s sway?We’re all singing the same sweet song,
Put down your doubts, come sing along,
Dance with your head held to the sky,
Say God’s name loud, don’t be so shy!The mind will follow, just give it time,
In every word, a rhythm, a rhyme,
So let your faith be strong and true,
And watch how joy comes back to you.
I’d love to connect with you, wherever you are on the road home. All paths lead to love, some are just a longer walk than others.
