A Day in the Life of: An Exterminator
Who emulates “The Judge” character from Cormac McCarthy’s novel, “Blood Meridian.”
“Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent” — The Judge.
- Hates driving the van with the big ant on the roof. Thinks he should be riding the ant — not the other way around.
- Visits a family’s suburban home for an inspection. Discovers a young boy’s ant farm in his room. Grabs it and throws in on the ground to break it and begins stomping while screaming, “Not in this house! Not on my watch!”
- Lives with his mom, who has been threatening for years to kick him out so she can get married. To an entomologist.
- Blames his unique life perspective on the things Teddy Ruxpin told him as a child.

5. His ability to mingle with the opposite sex took a hit when he went to a Quinceañera as a teenager and was overly enthusiastic in destroying the donkey-shaped piñata.
6. His mom paid for therapy, but the ink blot test went off the rails when he wanted to identify species and then immediately burn the drawings.
7. Went to a KKK meeting once, but hated not seeing everyone’s face.
8. When he discovers something new — he uses an Etch-a-Sketch to document it. Discovers Microsoft Paint and feels like a Viking with a smartphone.
“The man who believes that the secrets of the world are forever hidden lives in mystery and fear. Superstition will drag him down. The rain will erode the deeds of his life. But that man who sets himself the task of singling out the thread of order from the tapestry will by the decision alone have taken charge of the world and it is only by such taking charge that he will effect a way to dictate the terms of his own fate” — The Judge.
9. Watches Napoleon Dynamite and cringes when Napoleon draws the liger — he doesn’t want to live in a world where ligers exist without his permission.

10. Goes to the Natural History Museum to mock the dinosaur skeletons.
11. Holds mock executions for bed bugs he can’t see.
12. Writes angry letters to National Geographic about animals he feels should be extinct.
13. Carries a magnifying glass to burn ants on sunny days. Learns the dangers of carrying it in his pocket aimed at his scrotum.
14. Hates caterpillars because they turn into butterflies in spite of his consistent rebuking.
15. Doesn’t believe in superstition — steps on all cracks in sidewalks — even runs the toe of his boot in there.
16. Catches lightning bugs because he fears a creature with a butt that lights up.
