If you stay at a hotel with a 2.7 rating — what does that mean exactly?

Justin Houston
Jul 30, 2017 · 4 min read

I recently went out of town for a job interview. I had to find a place to stay and our less-than-rosy financial situation necessitated a motel with less frills than most.

I have always treated the motel vs. hotel thing this way.

Is that a hotel or a royal palace?

Motels are cheaper.

Motels often involve parking your car next to your bed.

Motels may mean you have to convince yourself that a stain on your sheets is something else.

Motels are the “home-away-from-home” of my people — normal, blue-collar folks who just need a place to stay.

Clears that up.

I stayed at a motel with a 2.7 rating. So, if my motel were a high school student — we are talking about a really solid, average student with a “C-level” GPA who could — if a few things broke his/her way — still sniff a “B” someday.

How far is a 2.7 motel from a 4.0 hotel? Pretty far.

But I’ve stayed in rooms above truck stops, so I can handle your “meth-sheek” just as well as I can handle fancy pants places.

What are some tell-tale signs that a motel is a 2.7?

  1. You aren’t staying at a new place. It’s going to be older. That comes with the territory. You aren’t going to get that new hotel smell. You really hope for no smells at all. Whatever was there when the place was built — it’s still there. No updates. No fresh paint. Dated artwork that wasn’t really artwork in the first place.
  2. The linens are changed regularly, but the sheets may be as old as the motel. Some staining may be noticable. Don’t look for it. Motels are dimly lit for a reason. Lots of people that aren’t you have had sex in that bed.
  3. You may have a dead cockroach, but it is dead. That’s good. And if he’s belly-up solo that’s even better. One dead cockroach is not an infestation. His dead body is a warning to others.

Quick Aside: Think about the Wild West days where they would hang the bodies of criminals from a tree at the entrance to the town. Is there a better symbol or message than that? Don’t come here or you’ll end up like this. That transcends language and intellect. It’s pretty clear.

4. The air conditioner will blow cold air but science and the laws of nature cannot explain why it doesn’t actually cool your room.

5. There will always be a back door entrance that isn’t suppose to be accessible for security-reasons that stays propped open. No one with a room in the back wants to take the long way. Even if it means letting a serial murderer onto the premises.

6. Careful walking through the parking lot. The blinds will be drawn in some rooms and these are not the kind of exhibitionists you want to see.

7. The free continental breakfast is essentially a light breakfast. In a motel, in particular a motel with a 2.7 rating — aim for the cereal or a pre-wrapped danish.

According to Anna Goldfarb of The Kitchn:

The first known use of the term “continental breakfast” was in 1896 in “The Sanitarian,” but the idea had been around for a few decades before then as American hotels made an effort to appeal to the changing tastes of both the emerging middle class and European travelers visiting America.

The term “continental breakfast” originated in Britain in the mid-19th century. To the British, “the continent” refers to the countries of mainland Europe. A “continental breakfast” describes the type of breakfast you’d encounter in places like France and the Mediterranean. It’s a lighter, more delicate alternative to the full English breakfast — a heaping plate of eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, beans, and roasted mushrooms and tomatoes.

In the end, don’t pay much attention to ratings. If you’re just staying one night — look at it as an adventure. If it’s terrible — you have a great story to tell.

And life is all about great stories.

Justin Houston

Written by

Writer, Teacher, Comedian…

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