On my phone I have one long notes/to do list that I continuously update with books to read, movies to watch, and things to buy.
I also draft messages and record thoughts here when I’m underground on the subway without reception.
The other day I scrolled through this long list of life and found a story within the collected pieces.
Books: The Left Hand of Darkness The Bone Clocks The Untethered Soul
People think life is about looking for, finding, and being with others. But really, our whole lives are a journey with ourselves. All that we do, everyone we include, is another helpful guide to understanding and loving ourselves.
Movies: Women on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown Welcome to Me Cave of Forgotten Dreams
Every time we tell someone “I love you” what we’re really trying to say is “I love myself.”
Vacation: Research/book Ptown house Rent car (minivan?) Make brownies
I still smell you on my face, in my beard. Every inhale takes me back to you. Thank you for today. Bark at you soon.
Black berry Blue dream Durben cookies
Far across rain and plain and mountain and snow, a brother howls his greeting in firm ecstasy. The miles separate us, but they are infinitesimal compared to our bond.
Isobutyl Rush Popperbator
I see you everywhere in the city. My morning commute is filled with your sexy smile and sharp eyes leaping out at me from a doorway or cab or subway. As soon as I pass one of you, another appears with a grin…and sometimes a touch or a nuzzle.
Butter Sugar 3/8ths
At night, in the dark while I’m drifting off to dream, I remember us. I remember all our past lives together. I remember swinging in trees and dancing around fires. I remember prowling through forests and falling laughing into cold lakes. I remember adventure and love and brotherhood. You’ve always been there. With me.
Eat half on empty stomach 1/$25 3–6 hours
We stand drooling lip to drooling lip, eyes lost in depth and growl, strong hands on hard bodies. Chant our song and fall away with me.
Sports shorts UnderArmor shirt High tops
Hey, haven’t heard back from you in a little while. Hope you’re doing well.
Duane Reade, 525 fashion ave, bw 38/39th Call mom Schedule dr appt
BROTHER, what’s going on? I’d love a phone call.
Take 2 train to Flatbush Ave. Transfer to Q35 bus Jacob Riss or Fort Tilden
I opened myself to you and now you’ve turned away from me. My greatest joy has become my greatest pain. Please…where are you?
Send wedding gifts: Miranda, Baker Thank you notes
I still sometimes still see you on my morning commute. You appear at a distance, facing away. By the time I’ve walked close, you’ve completely faded away into the shadows of the cement and stone.
Story ideas: Magical melancholy of summertime dusk Two soldiers lost on same island only a mile apart A locked gate now surprisingly sprung open
There is a second, non-physical universe that balances the physical one we call Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe. This second universe is made of thought and emotion, beginning in our minds to expand infinitely within. Imagine an hourglass with the two bulbs representing the two universes and you existing at their convergence at the thin neck.
Story ideas continued… A entire reality filled with all the different versions of yourself across time sitting in a ready, but meditative state…all waiting to rush and help the present perfect version of you (a la the past lives of the Avatar)
I search this psychic universe for comfort, insight, wisdom. I ask myselves for their help. I spiral deeper and deeper into this realm calling out with love to the sadness that’s there.
Pick up more garbage bags Put out recycling Scoop Bert’s litter box
The water is so deep and the vastness is oddly comforting. I’m learning well just how to swim.