La La Land is a horrible film that will win Best Picture
I see the same birds every morning. I’m not sure what species they are but they’re about the size of a blue jay, maybe a little smaller, and they’re gray. I call them gray jays (you will come to find that I am the king of dad jokes. The older you get the more washed you get and ever since I hit 30, my jokes have gone from bad to dad…I’m tellin’ you, I got dad jokes on lock). I guess it’s mating season for the gray jays because I’m noticing way more confrontations between the birds. And every confrontation follows the same pattern.
The bird flies over to the tree of the bird he’s got beef with. Sorta squats down, opens up his wings and then screams at the other bird. They do this a few times in quick succession and the next thing you know they’re at each other. Same thing every time. Once you know the signs, you know how it’s gonna end. That’s why I know La La Land is going to win Best Picture.
La La Land has all the familiar symptoms of an undeserving Best Picture winner. All the signs are there. First, Adele beat Beyonce for Best Album and although I love Adele, (I might like her way too much for my own good. But can you blame me? She understands sadness), her worst album isn’t better than Beyonce’s best album. And Lemonade isn’t just a good album, it’s perfection. Why do I bring up Adele’s victory? Because award shows have a tendency to reward white mediocrity over black excellence. If the Grammy’s are rewarding someone like Adele over Beyonce, you know La La Land, a movie bathing in white mediocrity, is gonna beat Moonlight for Best Picture. The only person that can sing in the movie is John Legend. Everyone else is a bad singer, especially Ryan Gosling who I had high hopes for given his Mickey Mouse club past, but I guess the Mickey Mouse club is not an exclusive one otherwise Gosling would not have been there.
Ryan Gosling’s singing isn’t the only issue I have with him. I don’t understand how he pays rent. Let’s take a hard look at Sebastian’s life for a second, shall we? Sebastian’s only source of income is playing the piano at what looks like Pasta Primavera. He argues the setlist with his boss as if he’s actually a musician that people care about and then gets fired a couple of songs in. Now, let’s assume he doesn’t get fired. Let’s assume that he actually holds on to that job. Is playing piano at Pasta Primavera enough to afford a one bedroom in LA, complete with enough space to keep all of the jazz music that everyone stopped caring about 50 years ago?
Sebastian then finds a job as a keyboardist in an 80’s pop cover band. Cause those always pay well. And Sebastian and the group are so damn good that they headline house parties in the Valley. But none of this stops Sebastian from affording that apartment. No, he pays his rent in a currency so valuable that ancient Mayan gold is Monopoly money in comparison — white privilege. This is the same currency that blinds the voting body into thinking that the songs they’re singing are actually good.
The only people banging this soundtrack are people who live in a neighborhood where the bank closes at 4pm and there’s an ambulance on standby. They’re the same people who think Billy Crystal is funny. They’re the people who watch the Oscars and for the most part, are the people voting, which is why La La Land will win. Look, if La La Land was made in the 1930’s I’d get it. (in the 30’s jazz music was dope and movies featuring that music made sense) Now? No. We’ve evolved past elevator music. We’re living in an era where Young Thug says “That big booty bounce on the dick and it broke.” A real musical for today’s times isn’t going to feature music that no one cares about. Forcing jazz down someone’s throat is not endearing even if Mia (Emma Stone) thinks it is.
People were surprised that Mia and Sebastian don’t end up together. I wasn’t. How could I be surprised when I saw the way Sebastian talks about jazz? Their date at the jazz club is awkward for a couple of reasons. One, they voluntarily choose to listen to jazz. No one does that. No one’s riding around in their car like, “Aye, lemme throw on some Dave Brubeck.” Two, Sebastian has the social skills of a malignant tumor. If someone says they don’t like jazz, you don’t have to go on a long ass rant to convince them. Music is subjective. Sebastian can’t be out here saying, “I need my girlfriend to like jazz”, unless he wants to limit his dating pool to 75 year old women. But Mia deals with Sebastian talking her ear off about jazz because my guess is, Mia didn’t have many dating options. Because the minute she gets options, she leaves him and marries a guy who is way older than her (Dear Hollywood, let “old” actresses — aka women over 25 — act, please. It’s so awkward when every actress is like 20 and her love interest is some ol’ dude who gives the answer “Citizen Kane” when asked about what movie role he regrets passing up on in promotional interviews) and seems to have the personality of Olive Garden’s house bread.
But it doesn’t matter how awkward Sebastian is, because all that matters is that this movie is about Hollywood and Hollywood loves nothing more than Hollywood. And any film that highlights the best of Hollywood is going to get the voter’s attention in a positive way. La La Land is the Hollywood dream. Barista becomes a movie star. Guy who can’t hold a job because he’s an uppity jackass becomes a famous musician. It’s a fairy tale. And while I believe dreams can come true, I don’t think they can come true the way Mia and Sebastian go about them.
I don’t care for Mia trying to leave her job in the middle of her shift, then getting mad at her boss for not letting her. That’s why they have schedules, Mia. Getting angry because you can’t leave in the middle of your shift to go to an audition is hardly endearing but to Hollywood and to many white people watching it, this is so sweet. Little Mia, out here just pursuing her dreams. Imagine being a customer in line watching this woman try to leave in the middle of her shift to attend an audition, so you’re just stuck there waiting to order knowing damn well you’re about to be late for work because the barista doesn’t wanna do her job. Mia ain’t so endearing then, is she?
Plus, if Mia and Sebastian were black, none of you would think it cute when Mia fails to do her job or Sebastian argues with his boss about playing a simple Christmas tune. But I know how you hate talking about race so I’ll move on.
Adele’s victory, the vast levels of whiteness in the film and the slurping of Hollywood are the signs La La Land is going to win Best Picture. It’ll be undeserving kinda like when Ross Geller gets tenure (I mean, seriously how did Ross get tenure in like six months? Especially when you consider that’s he consistently late to class — if he even makes to class at all — sleeps with his student, changes grades out of pity for another, fucks a woman in the library and has his work discredited at every turn by members of the community). Moonlight is gonna get screwed on Oscar night all because La La Land is a horrible film.
