just, louis.
Nov 7 · 2 min read

Hi Mark.

There’s a tiny caveat here and I’m uncertain that your analysis accounts for it. I may be wrong.

Namely — there are plenty of men who for one reason or another — family upbringing, religion, temperament, orientation, brain chemistry or all of the above who were “born” emotionally sensitized. This fact proved to be difficult for my conservative parents, whom I am quite sure were terrified I was gay, or worse — not interested in being a “normy”.

Over time, yes, all the normative “macho-male” things were thrust onto me. Sports, anger, aggression, confrontational behavior, all fed with a healthy dose of drugs and alcohol. So much so, that I often feel like I had no childhood, and spent several decades unraveling a litany of questions — “Who am I?, What is a man, What is masculinity, How can I be more vulnerable, What is sex, what are my expectations of women, how do I manage them, how do I rid myself of them, what is intimacy, what is relationship, what is marriage, and so on…

On the other side of these questions (and I am still asking them) I don’t find a liberated, emotional and intimate freedom. There is no “voila” moment. In awareness, there’s more pain, and knowledge. There’s more realisations about systemic oppression that affects everyone. There’s battling with the remnants of the false self, there’s battling the opinions and behavior of men so indoctrinated that they do not care and sneer at your interest in “evolving”. There’s still people out there interested in calling “straight” men “queer” for stepping out of line, for pushing up against the stereotypes. There’s managing the anger around that too — responsibly.

Last, women too uphold the old codes and double standards — and in some cases have adopted a masculine style themselves to compensate for the ways they have been harassed or abused. I would caution anyone willing to navigate this territory that it’s not easy — there are plenty of women out there who will call a man a “pussy,” or degrade him for being vulnerable. I’ve been on the receiving end of that one. Not fun.

With vulnerabilty comes emotional responsibility, and one of the most peckish things that no one sees coming is that when you start to own the aspects of masculinity that are malformed and unskillful, perhaps you will find yourself alone with that pain for awhile. Women don’t own us anything because we decided to get a clue and wake up. Society really isn’t interested when we flip the paradigm, in fact, society keeps bombarding you with messaging that breaking away makes you — different. That journey belongs uniquely to this generation.

In other words, Mommy is not going to come and clean our diapers, Gentlemen. It all comes down to that doesn't it — the grand expectation that whatever we do will finally win us the love of the Goddess, the affection we didn’t get from our Mothers, or peace. The misunderstood rejection or gnarly ancient deficiency in us that perhaps is the core of our anger to begin with.

Patrias sets that a blaze.

    just, louis.

    Written by

    just a writer and kinda zen buddhist living on horse-farm. I have many feelings. You might like to read my novel — https://amzn.to/2P0J0uG.