How to Give a Good and Sincere Apology.
Discover how an apology without change is manipulation.
When we say sorry, what we are doing is making amends for not showing up for ourselves. When we apologise genuinely, we are essentially acknowledging that we have made missteps or mistakes and are making a conscious effort to rectify them.
Saying one is sorry means taking responsibility for one’s actions and realising that one has not lived up to one’s own expectations, values, or standards.
It could also be crossing unidentified boundaries in one’s social system, with friends, one’s partner, or other people that make up the social institution. Doing something you didn’t (fully) know was unacceptable to the people around you.
It is a way of making amends and changes with ourselves and others for not showing up in the way we intended or should.
An apology can go a long way in rebuilding trust, repairing relationships, and fostering a sense of accountability and humility.
Apologies require us to be vulnerable, honest, and empathetic, and to acknowledge the impact of our actions on others. In essence, saying sorry is a powerful act of self-reflection, growth, and healing.
However, apologising without making amends or changing can be portrayed as manipulation sometimes. It can take away the very core essence of what saying ‘sorry’ means, even when we do not mean it to be like that.
What seemed to be an acknowledgement of one’s wrong, is thrown away and deemed futile like it never truly mattered.
Even if that isn’t the intention.
How to apologise.
Apology should be done for the sake of it.
A typical apology revolves around
- an admission of the wrong,
- a statement of feelings gotten from having to be aware of the wrong [remorse],
- a realised promise to see to [or avoid] the behaviour in ensuring it doesn’t happen in the future,
- making amends.
All integrated to form the entirety of an apology.
For example, I am sorry I didn’t do the task I was supposed to do for you. I feel like I didn’t take the task seriously, and I didn’t take you seriously even when I could have thought I did, and that’s not a good way to treat you. I will try to make sure it doesn’t happen again whenever you tell me to do something for you. I will do the task for you now and reach back.
However, the moment there are strings attached to any kind of apology, it causes a dent in the genuineness of the apology. It has the potential to create a false sense.
Even if you do not know what to do, you can always ask how you could make change, then keep yourself accountable; being impeccable with your word.
I’m sorry my words hurt your feelings, is there a better and kinder way you’d have wanted me to have replied to you?
There are several examples of apologies being a web of manipulation. However, not all false apologies are manipulation, as the individual may not even be aware that they are not genuine.
Regardless, false apologies shouldn’t be accepted, even with the intentions behind them.
Let me intrigue you about the nature of false apologies. It’s something that might make you reflect on your behaviour and the behaviour of those around you.
Let me show you specific examples of what an apology as a means to an end looks like. And then, we can reflect on whether we do any of them to the people around us or if anyone does [or has done] any of them to us.
How not to apologise.
Apologising to make ‘you’ feel better.
I grew up in an environment where parents weren’t vulnerable enough to show that they had done something wrong, and are choosing to apologise for it. It was a thing of being cajoled with food, or a lovey-dovey feeling like suddenly trying to make you laugh, or try to talk to you about a particular event that happened some time ago. Or anything in between.
Mainly to make me feel better.
People around me who grew up accustomed to that type of practice learned to apologise in the same manner, even as adults. That they feel bad about what they have done, but they are apologising so as to get you off the mood you are in. To make you feel better.
This kind of apology means that the apology isn’t done to make amends or show remorse.
To put it in perspective, It means that the apology is given because what I have done to you has made you exhibit a natural feeling of hurt, pain, anger, or even betrayal [depending on what I did], and I presume that apologising to you will change the feeling(s), and make you go back to your normal state. Not really because I want to change. I just want you to feel better
Technically, that’s not an apology.
Apologising to make the other person feel better doesn’t say anything about you acknowledging that you have done something wrong. It only makes you subconsciously disregard the hurt, anger or pain they feel. Making you be in control of the situation
However, this doesn’t necessarily mean you are a bad person, neither are you a covert narcissist. Sometimes we may think we are doing it to protect them from the hurt they feel, without realising that what they need, is simply a change.
That they just need a little bit of reassurance, that their feelings and boundaries matter.
That you truly care. It is far from them feeling better.
Apologising to make ‘me’ feel better.
The guilt we feel sometimes may not be directly for the sake of showing acknowledgement and apologising, it may be to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling we are experiencing.
Sometimes we may do something that isn’t ideal for someone. At the moment when it is happening, we don’t see the issue with it, and then later when the adrenaline is down or when it dawns on us we feel bad for it.
We may subconsciously apologise to them to ease ourselves of the guilt we are currently experiencing rather than placing more concern or interest on changing.
Apologising because one feels guilty or bad doesn’t really call for it being wrong. Since any human with conscience is likely to feel bad for the wrong they have done to the degree of how ‘wrong’ they understand it to be.
However, it becomes false when that it the end to it. Where there is no account for a realised promise or intention to make a change.
Only to make oneself feel better, taking oneself off the crippling nature of the feeling of guilt and shame.
I have had apologies thrown at me at random times, solely with the mindset of fulfilling the idea that they have apologised and can be at peace with themselves. There were no reasons behind the apologies, no call for change, and no descriptive positions as to what the apologies weres about. Just solely to feel better that they have said “sorry.”
Making the apology about them rather than about change.
Apologising with an excuse.
This means that the apology is done to defend oneself rather than to show remorse for the person who is hurt by our actions.
We are simply telling the person “Hey, I’m sorry, but here is why I did it though!”
Here is a rule of thumb about apologies; “Don’t make it about you.” Apologies shouldn’t come with a 'why’, except they ask. Which they rarely will. It should be based on what you did and what you want to do. Not why you did it.
Here’s an example of an apology with an excuse: “I’m sorry I yelled at you over the phone, I wasn’t in a good mood, as I was having a bad day”
Well, you are sorry, so you think, but the excuse you are giving is making you take it without vulnerability. That you did it because ‘you were not in a good mood.’
With that, what it means is, psychologically you will do it again when you have a bad day and are in a bad mood. And again.
No one wants that.
If someone tells you that you have hurt them, you cannot deny the fact, dismiss their feelings or get to decide that you didn’t hurt them.
If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit the same mistake they just apologized for. — Amit Kalantri
Thus, you have to know that apologies with an excuse indirectly make it about you. Putting your reason above the action makes you prone to have it repeat itself.
Trust me, no one wants that.
And even if you had a bad day, what makes yelling the ideal thing to do?
We have to be very careful with how we choose to apologise to those we have wronged without making our actions justifiable.
Apologising to end the situation.
This commonly happens in arguments, when two individuals have gotten to the peak of a heated argument and one of them feels offended or hurt by something the other has [or had] said.
However, because the other person is not in a clear state of mind because of way the argument took the turn, they apologise in a dismissive way.
This goes back to ‘apologising to make you feel better’ but without directly wanting to make you feel better. Rather to leave or make one leave the other.
Thus, it doesn’t come from the need to make peace, or because they feel bad for what they have said, but to just put an end to the situation at hand.
Apologies here may be done with a change in character, usually abrupt and dismissive, or can also appear more jovial and lovey, different from the behaviour exhibited in the course of the argument.
They may smile, make jokes and try to tease you as they apologise to make you see the light of what you initially felt offended or hurt by.
It sometimes works especially if you are unaware of the tactics.
One way to determine if someone is genuine about the apology is to let them know that you still have something to say. If they willingly show interest in listening without any signs of frustration, or anger then they are likely sincere. However, if they show no interest in talking to you and just want to leave without any honest and kind explanation, they may hold some resentment towards you and the apology is likely a facade.
Apologising for reciprocity
It’s that thing of apologising with the mindset that the other person owes you an apology too.
“I have apologised, and now it’s your turn.”
But that’s not an apology. That’s certainly not in the books of healthy practices in any relationship.
We shouldn’t apologise so that they can apologise too, even if we feel hurt as well. Rather, we can choose to request if we could also share how we feel about the situation, and then express our feelings about whatever was said or done.
I’m sorry I brushed you off yesterday. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the way I acted, I want to take responsibility for my actions and act differently, can we talk about it, can I share my experience with you?
Not to demand or request an apology, or even compete with them for what they expressed. But talking about how we feel solely for the sake of it.
Maybe you have been leaving unwanted things in the dark for too long, and are starting to hate or grow out of love with your partner or friend.
Maybe you are growing cold, or resenting them, maybe they said something to you and it stuck with you, but you were unable to express yourself healthily, and now it caused you to apologise, while also wanting to get to the root of it, to avoid it happening again, to grow your ship further. So you seek to talk about it.
Apologising for future actions.
This means apologising to analyse if we can do it again.
When I was much younger, most of the things my parents disciplined me for, I still did, and most of the things they corrected and forgave me for, I did even more. I did far worse than the original behaviour.
I used to play football, and come home late in the evening, and would get the talk of my life. But I did it again, and again, and again.
Now, I don’t play football anymore. In fact, I haven’t since I departed from secondary school [Same with almost everything I got disciplined for]. Quite the irony.
Truth is, new things resonated with me, and I grew to pick up new habits and behaviour as I became an adult.
This shows how as kids, as we navigate the world, we test boundaries to see what the peak of the boundary is, what is tolerated [even with correction] and what is not [totally not acceptable] depending on how we were raised.
If we apologise to analyse future actions as adults, we are doing so to consciously or unconsciously test the boundaries of those we are apologising to, that if they can forgive us now, they can again.
This is one of the leading causes of why many of us don’t take apologies seriously and we repeat the same things again and again, even after repeatedly discussed.
Apologising for the sake of it.
An apology shouldn’t be done to make them or yourself feel better, it shouldn’t be to dismiss them, and neither should it come with excuses.
An apology shouldn’t be to have them reciprocate the apology. Heck! It shouldn’t be out of fear of not being forgiven or the fear of being left or resented.
The fear that if you do not apologise, they will leave you, or hate you, and that you will lose them.
It should be because you acknowledge you have done wrong, and are gracefully willing to make change.
An apology should be to let the person know that you respect their feelings and will be committed to ensuring you wouldn’t let the action make them feel the same way again.
Apologise as an end. Not a means to an end.
Conclusion
Apologies are simply just words put together correctly. They are merely acknowledging and admitting to the wrong.
The most important part of an apology is change.
An apology without change is a lack of commitment.
An apology without change is inconsideration
An apology without change is an invalidation to the emotions.
An apology without change is disrespectful.
An apology without change is manipulation.
If you have read the content up to this point, I would like to invite you to share your thoughts on apologies. Have you ever apologized in any of the ways that were mentioned earlier? What was your perception of apologies before reading this? Is there any question that you would like me to answer regarding apologies? Please feel free to share your experiences and thoughts.
I’d love to hear from you.
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