I don’t really get where I’m going with this.
I’m not in love with you. I think. Maybe I am. Maybe I wish I was. I don’t know.
But my biggest fear is the thought of people walking out of my life in a way that prevents me from getting to know them again. And, to my severely limited view, it feels like you’re on the verge of doing that.
It isn’t something that I want to call to your attention — the thought is far too stupid for that. I’m just worrying about things that make no sense to anyone other than me.
I know we haven’t been close. Or we have, maybe. I don’t know — I really don’t. But it feels like whatever distance there might be between us, it is growing. And there have been legitimate reasons for that.
We all want different things in life. So we end up moving in very different directions for very different purposes.
We all have different selves. And maybe the self that I am when I see you is not the self that I am on the inside. And there have been legitimate reasons for that.
But where I’ve failed is in expressing myself in a way that we can both understand. Because I am an idiot at letting people know that they mean something to me.
When distance grows, I push instead of pull, hoping that people will be happier with the space. But that lack of ‘selfishness’ is precisely the reason why everyone ends up leaving in the end.
And the only reason I even try again is out of envy, when I realise you’re moving further out of reach. When I realise there are other people out there who are there for you. When I realise I’ve ended up not really mattering all that much.
And I can’t. Or won’t.
Because I don’t genuinely believe that anything broken can be fixed.
Because I don’t genuinely believe that I can be fixed.
I have a personal fear that I am anything but capable of maintaining the relationships that matter to me. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I end up overreacting and damaging the things that matter most when I don’t care enough to keep them working in the first place. Sorry.
Maybe in a different world, in a different place, I did everything right.
And maybe in the future, we’ll be different people. And when we meet again, things will be different. Maybe they’ll work out. Maybe they won’t.
Until then… at least let me say goodbye.