I’m not a quitter… so why do I feel like it

I’m not a quitter, never have really been, and maybe never will. Yet why do I feel like this… like it’s not the job giving up on me but me giving up on the job. After all, this is what I’ve wanted all along right, to say good riddance to where I am now in order to move forward. So why when it is now coming time do it, I feel it’s much harder than I thought it would and that my “resignation” (as I like to call this move) or “new direction” (the much more positive word) is still a tough pill to swallow. Although, it’s a mix of emotions really twisting at my thoughts and brain which I’ve had to accept.

“This is part of the transition” I tell myself when feeling sentimental “It’s for the best and everyone is behind your decision” when I’m swimming in doubt and it’s too late to look back “Soon you can go in the direction of your dreams” when I’m feeling good about it or maybe even not too self assured.

There’s a lot to consider and it seems one can go through a range of emotions when making such a move that make it tough to leave one part of your life behind, even with better things ahead, and make room for another new chapter to begin. Which if you ask me is much like breaking up in a relationship there will be things left behind, loose ends not tied up, regrets and lessons learned- all of which allowed me to grow but can be somewhat painful and scary goodbye.

So I hold onto that feeling sometimes, hoping that maybe if I tried longer or made more of a point things would be better or if I’d force myself to be happier just to finish what I started because this has been the way with every other experience where I haven’t had to “resign/quit” even when things got tough there was always an expiration date or end date so to speak in which I’ve known that’s how long it would last and could properly prepare myself for that chapter closing and have felt like less of a quitter.

Now even with it set by me, and everyone agreeing it’s time to wrap it up and move on I struggle with that feeling but know this is the kind of courage it takes to go “in a different direction” to “try something new” and “move on”. It’s not big or strong or even all gungho (as much as we’d like it to be) but much more of a back and forth that takes some of our own self assuring and perhaps the encouragement of others to stay the course. Acting as reminders to ourselves that as time goes on and the chapter closes in this part the best way to move forward is with our heads held high and our hearts full of hope, not as quitters but as people who are willing to leave the shore for the sea- as the analogy claims and go in brave new directions.