I need you.
Sounds so sexy.
Sounds like something you’d whisper in your partner’s ears, softly, and desperately — when you get “that” feeling, palpitating heart and dilated pupils — looking for the closest getaway for a short or long escapade together… Or maybe, “I need you” is what you are hoping to hear from your current love interest as you share a ride in the office elevator…
Three. Little. Words.
So simple to say it, right?
Here’s the first scene…
A couple years ago, the sun set on a grey and cold winter afternoon, I stood in the kitchen preparing the evening’s meal. It was warm inside my cozy little house, as I turned up the temperature to 22 degrees on the thermostat — finally making myself comfortable. I stirred the minestrone, looking at the little pieces of vegetables that took so long to chop — for the sake of preparing a healthy meal for my husband and kids. The beef ragout was in the oven for it’s third hour and the smell was intoxicating — sweet and compelling, waiting to be served with care, and to satisfy our hunger.
My husband was about to arrive from his latest business trip, and our two girls were running around the living room chasing after the little chihuahua. I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with my family, and bed time for the kids at 19h. And who knows there would even be enough time to watch a movie all the way through to the end..
Pause…
Wait a minute… did you just imagine me standing there with my white apron around my waist? Tied in a perfect bow around the back? With a glass of wine waiting for us on the table, and some ambient music in the background? I hope you didn’t think of pearls around my neck — I’m a black-nail-polish-type-of-girl…
So here’s the REAL scene…
My husband had been gone all week, my six-year-old had spent the last hour telling me she needed to relax a little before doing homework, pushing dinner and bed time hours to “later”, and my toddler had been waking me up every 3 hours of the night — every f***ing night — for her first 18 months (without exception). I read her books, tried to let her cry, took her to specialists, and nothing worked. I didn’t want any more advice.
I. Just. Wanted. To. Sleep.
So my heart was palpitating, my pupils were wildly dilated, the heat in my house required that I take off a layer (of course I’d been vacuuming, cooking, washing, …), and the closest getaway was a bathroom break, where I wouldn’t get followed IF someone else was around to watch the kids…
Sexy right?
At that very moment, I wanted to tell someone, anyone, “I need you”…
I need you to come home please.
I need you to travel less.
I need you, mom or dad, to come over and take the kids away for a few hours so I can wash my hair.
I need you, grocery man, to deliver my vegetables when it’s convenient for ME.
I need you, kids, to stop screaming.
I need you to let me sleep.
I need you…
I need you to just be here. Just listen. Just hold my hand.
And please, I need you to tell me that I’m doing a good job and that you’ve got my back.
Those “three little words” contain a possibility for fantasy, complexity, and difficulty as the words roll off the tip of one’s tongue — or doesn’t.
Sexual innuendos aside, “I need you” seems to be three little words you don’t hear, or speak often enough… in fact, it could even be something you find hard to say. I know I found it hard, and boy did I learn a lesson.
The world has always been made up of superwomen. No, I’m not just saying that lightly. I’m saying that everyday, women all over the world: handle it. They f***ing handle their shit.
They hustle, they work, they run, they bake, they produce, they procreate, they ache, they cake, they shake, they do many other things that rhyme with make, … and we certainly spend a huge amount of f***ing time awake.
To provide, to deliver, to be of service for others who count on us (parents, friends, children, spouses, fish, rabbits, dogs, cats…)…
We don’t always find it easy to say “I need you.”
Here are some reasons why.
- It’s hard… because, well, we are in need — and people who do so much providing for others are the ones who try to be the strongest for others and put themselves in the back seat. What to do: start taking care of yourself and put yourself first (in a non-super-egoistical kind of way). Care for, and love yourself. Ask yourself “what do I really need right now?” Do I need to get a babysitter? Go for a walk alone? Eat at regular hours? Give something up? Go out with my girlfriends? Shut myself in my room? Ask someone to do a night-shift with the baby?
- We want to be seen without asking for it. We expect those we love to SEE us already! We secretly and silently hope that other people will see everything that we do and that they will realise all by themselves that we need them. Ok... whatever — this won’t happen. Have you ever played a game of Pictionary without the board AND the pencil? It’s a loosing game. How can people guess what you are thinking? People are often busy with their own agendas and wanting to be seen for their own efforts. What to do: Tell the person loud and clear how you are feeling and what you need from them. Don’t sit there silently because no one is going to guess. The words need to be spoken.
- It means we are vulnerable… and being vulnerable isn’t comfortable (= no superwoman). Oh my God, how come I can’t stay up all night, and feed everyone organic grass fed beef from the Himalayas today, and take my daughter to piano practice, and find a solution to my toddler’s never ending eczema problems, and make sure my nails are done and that I’m not wearing parachute underwear, and that my hair is washed and I’ve booked in 10 clients for coaching sessions, and I’ve networked with all the mom’s at school to make sure that we’re connected, and… and… f***! I haven’t slept and I’m lonely and women who don’t sleep a lot get cranky or cry a lot… Help?! Anyone? What to do: (Read this gently…) Let it go. Stop trying to be perfect because you end up being the only one “biting your own ass.” Allow yourself to be imperfect and allow others to see you are just yourself (dirty hair happens, smudged eye-liner is in fashion now, scrambled eggs for dinner can happen, postponing lunch meetings occur…). Time fixes things and when you get your energy back, you can go get the lacy underwear again. Your pain and uncomfort right now are sending you a message. Listen to your body and what it’s telling you. Are you tired? Do you want to scream (go do that in the forest or into a pillow)? Do you need to speak to a specialist or a friend?
- We want our efforts to be recognised. This is related both to being seen, and to being the humble humans that we are, who struggle, and who don’t really want anything from anyone else because we CAN do so much all alone. Some of us struggle and struggle and want to do it all on our own (I’m coining it as “I’m-a-big-girl-syndrome” and “don’t-worry-about-me”). So we do all of it. So that someone, someday will turn around and say “You did all this all by yourself… standing ovation and 5 Oscar’s go to you.” What to do: talk to your spouse, partner, or find a friend who will listen and just be open about needing help. There is no shame, or lack of humility, to ask. There’s an African proverb that says “It takes a village to raise a child”… And it f***ing does. It takes help — a lot of it. Most of us don’t have 2 heads and 8 arms and legs — and today’s way of living focuses on people being successful, independent and performant. Well, back in the days, neighbours, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all participated in a child’s education. Now, we are trying to be all that to our kids and it’s turned into a one-man (or two-man) show. Your kid will thank you at graduation — I promise.
- It mean’s we might be on the edge of burnout… By the time we realise that we need someone (even if it means that we just need them to stand there silently and not take up too much oxygen), it might be too late. We don’t always realise that we are crashing into the wall, or falling down the cliff. As mom’s, we are resilient, persistent, stubborn, perfectionists, curious, crazy and tired and wired and a whole lot of other things… But a lot of the times, we are on the edge and besides telling someone we need them oh-so-much, the explanation about being burnt out is even harder to provide. How do we begin by saying, “I took on too much, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m feeling ugly and I feel overwhelmed…”. It’s a little pandora’s box that we may not know how to handle when we open it. The problem with that is that it is precisely at this moment that it becomes “easier” to attack the one person we really need. What to do: talk about your feelings to someone who you trust and can help you. Try not to lash out at those who can help you. Taking responsibility for our feelings is hard, of course, but be confident that everything will work out for the best.
- Because it might make the other person feel responsible for finding a “solution” for you. Example: telling your parntner that you “need him”, might get him in the mode of “I’ve got so many things to do at work, how can I possibly fill in that gap?”… or “ok, baby.. I’ll wait for you upstairs..”… or he’ll just be busier at work suddenly because he doesn’t know what you mean by “I need you”, and he might worry that you are going to be extra annoying from now on. Or, tell your mother you need her and she might worry about missing her next yoga class..? Things like this. What to do: think about the context of needing someone and the precise request you have of them. Running around saying “I need you” without content is difficult for the receiver to know what to do. Do you need them to sit with you for an hour? Do you need them to help you find a good psychologist? Do you need to get out of the house for a few hours or a few days? How many? For how long? Be as specific as possible.
So to all you amazing independent women out there, working hard to be the best you can be for your kids, your spouses, partners, your family, and ultimately yourself… stop and ask yourself:
- What do I need today, to take care of my own needs?
- Who/what do I need to help me do that?
- How do I need them (this can get sexy all over again!…)?
- What am I going to do about it?
Be well, be you.
