Walking Away…for good.

I can’t help but to be mad at myself…

Why? Let’s get into it.

I know I shouldn’t have jumped into the deep end with you but I did anyways. I saw the sharks and all but I went ahead hoping for the best. But I should have acknowledged from the beginning that we wanted two different things. You wanted someone to love and I wanted someone to live life with (the real shit the good the bad and in between). You got what you wanted, you even got someone who loved you back. I know I would be jetting off to a different country in a matter of weeks of diving in, but I took the plunge nonetheless. It was amazing, so amazing that it gave me hope (hopeless romantic or just hopeless?) that maybe I was finally getting what I wanted. I left and felt it slipping through my fingers, I fought, I tried but within a matter of months my hands were empty. After all if you grip sand you’re left with nothing and I guess I have to believe that that is the way it was meant to be. But I regret nothing and would do it all over again.

So when I say I need space I am not running away or ignoring you. I just know that it is time for me to step away. I cannot fake it and say let’s be friends, because I only know you in one capacity and I don’t want anything else. I don’t want to taint the view I have I am okay knowing I had it all even if it was temporary. But I know I need to let go, I must…

It may seem like it is easy for me but it is not. I know I have done you wrong but still I am holding. I don’t speak to you yet you’re on my mind. I ignore every thought of you but still you’re in my dreams. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done and continue to do. So as much as I want to talk to you I can’t because I will allow myself to be about you again which is way too easy a default for me especially when I know I wouldn’t be getting what I want.

Back to you video is exactly how I feel on the inside. But I need to make my outside match my inside I need to let go and truly move on. I am not sure what makes you seem like perfection in my eyes…maybe it is because it all ended before it could’ve really started. I don’t know. But I wish you the best.

Goodbye 19th.