Aug 22, 2021
First Party In Sobriety
Higher Power ?
Kate Thistlethwaite Sunday 22nd August 21
Photo by Polina Kovaleva from Pexels
OK, so I know I am only seven weeks into my recovery and three weeks out of Rehab and the ‘rules’ (advice) are to stay away from triggers for a good few months but it was my amazing friends belated 40th Birthday Bash and I wanted to go to give her a big hug and kiss after her actual birthday was in crappy lockdown. A lot of my other friends were also there who have been so supportive and I just wanted to see them all to give them big hugs and let them know I was ok and doing fabulously, or so I thought..! No, I have been doing fabulously and still am but my confidence of how well I was handling it all was maybe a little too presumptuous as I am so clearly not ready to be in a party atmosphere yet, surrounded by super inviting cold bottles of beer and prosecco! Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t like one of our past crazy all night party’s as it started at 4pm and all the kids were there which settled me a little because I love playing with them and thought it would be a distraction.
I lasted half an hour at the most! I definitely wasn’t ready and certainly didn’t want to to make my friends birthday bash about me panicking an fidgeting for hours with her worried about how I was doing all night. I am so glad I went for those few minutes just to see all my beautiful friends faces, their kind words and support was amazing just as they are, bloody fantastic friends!
Luckily my husband Ian has joined me in a journey of abstinence for 6 weeks, all be it a short time in the grand scheme of mine but from the advice of my therapists and mentors at Delamere he is being my absolute rock, supporting me through every step and to be honest seeing the benefits for himself also.
It is imperative I have the support of family and friends who are closest to me, because it would be damn near impossible to do this completely on my own.
My day consisted of precise preparation to get me mentally prepared to go to the birthday party. Yoga, running and little affirmations to my self all day ‘you can do this Kate, you are strong.’ Sitting at my vanity table applying my party makeup and curling my hair, a ritual I loved to do before any night out but normally with a gigantic glass of crisp chardonnay on my mirrored sparkly work station (makeup desk :-) I started to grow increasingly nervous and uneasy. Every one who was going to the party probably knew about my situation and stint in rehab due to my complete openness on my blog sites. Don’t get me wrong I am in no way ashamed of it like I would’ve been 7 weeks ago when my thoughts on rehab where that of many others, thinking it was not a place for me, it was just the overwhelming realisation of what life was going to be like now I don’t drink. Will I still have fun? will people think I am boring or not know what to say to me? will they feel uncomfortable around me or treat me differently? Well my friends, my fabulous friends didn’t and that is why I love them all so much. I am a lucky girl having such supportive people in my life because I know a lot of people in recovery don’t and I suppose this is why I write these blogs and want to support and generate awareness in mental health and addictive behaviours.
Those thirty minutes really did seem longer, not at all because I found the party boring in the slightest it was just because of my awareness of not being ready to be around alcohol or in a large social environment just yet. I swiftly asked my husband if we could get going as I was growing increasingly uneasy and of course my friends where totally understanding and knew I wasn’t quite ready. I got in the car trying to hold back the tears, I was mad for putting myself in this situation with alcohol, I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to stay and have fun, the realisation of how different my life is going to be came over me in abundance!
Using the 12345 method and breathing techniques of the anxiety and panic attack workshop in Delamere worked a treat!
Those negative thoughts I had about myself in that car were obvious thoughts for someone in recovery but I have the tools to now deal with them, address them and tell them to bugger off. Yes my life will be different but my god so much better without the depression that ensued when I drank. It was all just a little to soon, that is all.
Triggers and hurdles are a part of my recovery journey now and I just need to execute my responses and decisions with a little more time and care which I know I can do.
We went for a lovely meal and then got in my PJs and vegged out on the couch eating copious amounts of sweets, the sugar addiction is real since giving up alcohol, it certainly needs addressing and curbing a little, but one thing at a time hey!?
I just want to share this as in the 12 steps of recovery a higher power is mentioned, even though I am catholic I have never been a profoundly spiritual person however over these last seven weeks that has slowly changed with what I can only explain as messages of support from a ‘higher power’ which can come in any form, mine being my dad who I lost at the age of 14. I was getting in bed and Ian turned on the TV, with my eyes closed the faint music of Sweet Home Alabama was in the background, Lynyrd Skynyrd performing on an old TV programme just came onto the screen. This was one of my Dads favourite songs and was played at his funeral, so call me wacky or weird but that was a higher power, Ian (my husband) was in the same room and actually pointed it out to me, so either we are both crazy or its true that we have something watching over us because that was my dad saying ‘I am proud of you, keep doing what you are doing and I am here with you.’
Now I know what they mean by higher power in the 12 step programme and I have it with me to get me through this journey and if anyone is going through difficult times who may not have much support off friends and family the higher power is real and will help you, you just need to want the help.
