Travel

The Land of the Inappropriate Thong

Miami Beach is the vaguely sexy, down-on-its-luck, hot mess of beach destinations.

On any given day, a walk down the Miami Beach boardwalk is a stroll through the daily weirdness that grips America. Muscle-bound gym rats in yoga pants mingle with tourists in tattered T-shirts drinking $12 mojitos through a straw. Porn stars take publicity shots while groups of seniors from New Jersey and Toronto shuffle in the heat, trying to avoid the drag queens on Rollerblades.

The modern Miami Beach of smoked-glass towers and designer shoe stores wants to be Ibiza, but it often seems more like the Las Vegas Strip on 99-cent shrimp cocktail night. On a typical evening, the sidewalks of Collins Avenue are filled with hordes of sweaty, shirtless frat boys and women in bikinis, aimlessly moving from hotel to hotel, much like any night on the Strip. Rolling billboards advertise nightclubs and topless dance joints, while tattooed dudes in Ferraris rev their engines, hoping to impress women with fake breasts wearing “I’m Here to Par-tay!” T-shirts.

This is the reality of Miami Beach, which might be different from what you see on reality TV. For the celebrities and the international set, “America’s Riviera” is a whirlwind of private clubs, secure limos with…