Cacophony is my favourite word.

I’m a fucking catastrophe. Seriously. I’m a 24 year old college grad looking at conservatory grads schools I can’t afford, while living on my best friend’s couch, while attempting to find a new car because my ex neglected to fix my car before he decided to leave me, literally.

I’m depressed and I’m riddled with anxiety and nightmares and my brains is a swirling vortex of 60s music and film factoids. How in the ever loving fuck did I make it to March of 2016?! How was I capable of finishing high school and going to college and finishing college and getting married and getting divorced and becoming a survivor and voice for my friends?

Who the fuck am I? Why was all this pressure to be pure and perfect put on me the day my parents decided their hatred for their physical appearances greater than their need to raise their preteen child? Why did the stars align to allow a man I don’t know to invade my body? And then let a man I knew and trusted invade it again years later?

Why in the ever loving fuck am I more worried about finding a man that can appreciate my art while creating his own and being able to make me laugh than about how in the fuck I’m going to memorize two Elizabethan monologues and two contemporary monologues so that I can somehow just maybe get into the school of my dreams?

I’m so tired of being alone. But I’m in love with it too. I hate relying on myself to do everything, but it feels to good to know that it got done correctly the first time. I’m tired of hearing the same shit from all my friends and family and I’m extremely tired of seeing that everyone I know is either getting married or having a kid. We’re in our fucking twenties! Why aren’t we traveling and sleeping with random people and daydreaming about the stories we’ll tell our future children?

I’m rambling. I’m slightly drunk. I’m also very lonely and tired. The dark thoughts have been returning, but I’ve found a little light to since through them. And I pray to everything that this all works out how I want it to. It has to right? I mean, I’ve already been through hell. When is it time for the good to begin again?