My Dark Brain Speaks

Breathing. It’s so simple. We do it every day. Yet, it’s hard for me.

It’s hard for me to remember to breathe, to remember that each day is new and pure and I can do anything. These dark thoughts just consume my, what I once thought was golden, soul and heart.

I remember growing up and hearing about depression. I always assumed that it was just this thing that happened to adults when things got crazy and it was temporary and once they finally got everything back on track, they wouldn’t be depressed anymore.

I remember being depressed about the little boy on the playground that kissed my cheek and told me he loved me, then did the exact same thing to my best friend. I remember being depressed when I started being called Kaici Whore Lore in middle school because I was the only one with breasts. I remember the girl that laughed at my jokes in Civics class breaking my heart by calling me a faggot, then texting me five minutes later apologizing and asking me out on a date.

I don’t remember when life became hard and overbearing and the depression hit. I always thought it would be a fixed point in my life, not this downhill slope to hell. I always assumed that I could fix it and move on and be a happy functioning adult.

Yet here I am, still wanting to put steel to skin, still missing that gasp of air from the rope, still craving that line of white to take it all away. Adding seizures on top of depression, it blows my mind I haven’t left this fire.

Thankfully, my good memories have outweighed the bad. The parties at the theatre house, the gaming nights with close friends, the 2am drives to IHOP and Eat N Park. It’s these memories with people that care about my life and my happiness that keep me fighting.

I used to think that maybe I should be fighting for myself. At least then I wouldn’t be as big of a disappointment once gone. But I can’t anymore. I’ve become a coward because of my friends and parents. They’ve all invested so much time, money, and effort into giving me the life I deserve that I can’t bring myself to even consider exiting stage right. And maybe that’s for the best. Maybe I haven’t fully come uphill yet from this descent into madness. Maybe my sunshine is right down the road, I just need to wait for the wind to take the clouds away.

Or maybe I’m fooling myself into happiness again. Maybe the darkness was my friend all along. The blood and adrenaline was always the best part. Maybe one of these days I remember to forget to breathe.