Dating After an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
For nearly two years I was involved with a partner who would gaslight, criticize, condemn, and even hit me.
It was easily the worst time of my whole life, it stunted my personal growth and even after it was over I was left feeling entirely ripped apart.
Now that I’ve gotten more than a year’s distance from that situation I’ve finally opened up my heart to the potential of falling in love again. While I feel amazing today and utterly content with my life, it was a long journey to get to this place.
I decided that I would share some advice that I’ve gotten from others but also just share my experience reentering the dating scene in the aftermath of my last relationship.
It is not a race
My partner was immediately in a new relationship after we broke up for the last time. It was embarrassing to say the least. I was alone, bitter, empty, and above all I was angry.
I couldn’t believe how easily he’d forgotten about me and everything he put me through literally only weeks before.
I compared myself to her. I wanted to know what she had that I didn’t. I wanted to know what it was about her that he found so beautiful that he couldn’t see in me anymore.
Women, are comparative in nature; a socially constructed fault I see slowly falling away as we learn to embrace and celebrate the amazing women we walk this earth alongside. Even then, I still didn’t understand what she was that I simply was not enough of anymore.
This is not her fault, nor is it her job to validate my own negative self-image issues. I realize that now, and to this woman I sincerely apologize for all the nasty things I thought about you. I was not well, I’d been utterly beaten by this man… I was not myself. I hope you can forgive me.
However, in the wake of a healthy break up, this is a trouble that could plague anyone. The bottom line is, you are neither worse nor better than your ex partner’s new flame… you do not exist to check boxes, you are enough purely as you are. Walk in that truth, and even when you find yourself comparing yourself to them… remember it’s not a competition and he is not a prize.
Everyone’s grief process is unique and how someone else chooses to cope is not of your concern. You will only continue to suffer if you stay in the mindset that there was a game you lost to another woman. It’s not a game, it’s your life. Lovers come and go, and some lovers are not worth holding onto.
Be honest with yourself…
Are you actually ready to date?
There were so many hands extended out to me after my ex left me. There were men who wanted to come and scoop me up from the mess I’d lived in.
Yes, there were times I really enjoyed the attention, and some amazing freindshios were built in this time… but the bottom line is that a man or a relationship cannot save you.
You have to be your own stronghold. You have to learn to be happy by yourself, or you’ll end up in the arms of someone who you simply shouldn’t be with. That’s not to say these men don’t have good intentions, but predators make incredible white knights. Don’t let your vulnerability be used against you.
It won’t be easy to be alone, but as time goes on you’ll learn to fall in love with yourself first.
Date yourself for awhile
Some of the CORNIEST advice I ever heard from pastors, well wishers, and other survivors of abuse was to love yourself first.
I always resented this when I heard this. I didn’t think it was true and I couldn’t understand why that’s what everyone would tell me…
I finally decided to try it for myself. I wanted to see if what everyone said was right… so I took a very intentional 6 months off of dating, no dating sites, no casual hook ups, just space for me to be by myself and friends.
At first it was incredibly lonely, but after a few months I learned to listen to my own heart. I took myself to new places, I made myself laugh, I sharpened my own talents, I spent money on myself, I came to understand the woman I am truly.
I became entirely happy in my own company, I broadened my own horizons, and I realized all the good that I have to offer someone else. Alternatively, I learned what I would like to see in a partner. I excercised my own love languages and I learned how to communicate what I need. I learned the difference between needs and wants and when to voice my concerns.
I became my own best advocate. I found validation in only myself, that I am trying my hardest to build a good life for myself. I was not born just to be someone’s wife, and in that confidence I discovered something so much more valuable than romantic love… self worth.
The bright side is
So yeah. I dated a monster who made me feel like all my desires, dreams, and aspirations were not worth pursuing. I constantly made excuses for his abuse, I became what he told me I was to justify his mistreatment of me.
But the best thing he ever did for me was give me new eyes, with deeper sensitivity to how people talk to me. I will never be in a relationship like that again because he taught me what to look out for.
This sensitivity kept me from getting involved with another man for a long time but now I see it as my strongest asset.
When looking at a potential mate I have an actual list of actions and behaviors that I cannot accept. You have this. Utilize it. Be hypercritical, be kind, but be cautious.
Trust your judgment, if you catch even the slightest semblance of abuse don’t try to explain it away. You know yourself, you know how you felt, don’t let sweet talk and pretty eyes seduce your guard down.
The right man, the one who will treat you the way you deserve, will understand. Communicate with your new partner how you feel, and don’t mince your words, be brutally honest, be vulnerable, be strong in your fragility.
You don’t deserve to settle. So don’t do it.
Look before you leap, but don’t miss out
One of the biggest regrets I have is letting a good man go because I was too afraid to get hurt again.
You will inevitably be hurt again, probably a lot. Even Mr. Right will meet you with his own faults and shortcomings. Just because a lover hurts you, it doesn’t mean it will destroy you. You are 100% in control of how you use your heart. It’s ok to be anxious, it’s ok to feel unsure… but honestly how can you know if you’re ready if you never try.
This is a place I find myself in currently… I’m trying my best not to let more good times slip by simply because of the pain someone else caused me. It’s the greatest injustice and disservice to your own happiness to stay completely vacant from the world around you.
You learned many lessons from your toxic ex, and you’re much smarter now… trust yourself, trust others even when it seems like the opposite of what your mind says. I promise you, there’s a big difference between being abused and having your heart broken.
You survived one… you can survive the other.
Have fun. Be alive. This is your one and only life, so don’t let it pass you by.
Friends first
Go slow initially. Make sure your partner knows the pace you’re comfortable with, and take things one day at a time. Get to know the person first, give a little of yourself over time, but never again all at once.
Be hard to get. You don’t have to make someone else pay for what your ex did to you, but you also don’t have to throw your weight into every loving condolence. You’re invaluable, make sure you’re being treated that way. It’s ok to be reserved. It’s ok to be weary.
Take as long as you need, only you will know when the time is right.
Accountability
No doubt you have many people in your life who love you and want to see you succeed. Ask a friend or a few friends who you trust to help you navigate this new territory. Ask them how they think you’re doing since the relationship ended. Introduce them to your future partner and get their opinions.
You don’t have to do exactly what they tell you, but an outside perspective can be very helpful.
Desert
Remember, a loving relationship is like the cherry on top of all the goodness of life. If you are not in a relationship, you are still living a good life. You are whole and complete without that relationship, and you will find fulfillment in so many other things. There is more to life than to be someone’s partner.
Love your life exactly as it is and let relationships be the extra sweet on the side. This is your process. Own it.
That all being said.. I truly believe everyone deserves a genuine love. It breaks my heart to know how many people women and men alike come from abusive relationships. It’s something I wish on no one.
Inherently, I am not the same woman I was before I met my abuser. In many ways I’m better. My ex took so much from me, but in his absence I have gained only good things.
Keep strong and take control of your own happiness.
