Yom Kippur

On Yom Kippur, the most important day in the Jewish year, the prayer “Al Chait” is said ten times. It is a list of forty-three types of sins of which forgiveness is asked. I think of this as my mother raises the clippers to my head.
“For the sin which we have committed before You by casting off the yoke of Heaven.”
My mother stands behind me. Portraits of Rabbis line the wall behind her. I can see their eyes reflected in the mirror. I think they look angry, but then, they have always looked angry to me. I used to wonder if they only looked at me that way, if good Jews saw something different than what I was seeing. My mother’s lip are pressed firmly in a line, she does not want to be here, to be cutting my hair, to have me sitting in her living room with a towel over my shoulders, my hair falling on the floor. I am not the daughter she envisioned, I am not living the life I was destined for.
 “For the sin which we have committed before You with immorality”
My mother’s family descends from a line of Kabbalists. One ritual involves protection from “ayin hora” the evil eye. It is a solemn ceremony in which the one requiring protection is covered in a cloth and prayers are said over the individuals head. Years ago, my mother placed me on a chair in my grandmother’s kitchen and draped a towel over me. My grandmother and mother proceeded with the ceremony, hoping to protect me from the evil eye, hoping that my rebelliousness would disappear. Now, fifteen years later, in another room, again with a towel around me and my mother standing over me, I want to ask her if she remembers this. If she still believes I am cursed.
“For the sin which we have committed before You inadvertently.”
In Kabbalah, hair contains power. I want to ask her why she offered to cut my hair. I wonder what she is thinking about as my hair covers her floor. I know this haircut is outside the laws of modesty and that she believes in the power of hair and what it tells the world. Yet, she held out the clippers she uses to cut my brothers’ hair, a peace offering, and said: “Your hair is getting kind of long, want me to cut it for you?”
“And for the sin which we have committed before You with an utterance of the lips.”
“For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.”