Dear Friend…

Dear friend who told me to forget,

You do not know. You had no right to tell me to forget and to move on. I know your intention meant well but your impact, well that was something else.

I wish so dearly I could forget. I wish I felt like you in the morning and each second of your “normal” life. I wish I could be care free and not worry about my safety. I wish I could be you and not worry about my mental state. I wish when I woke up each morning I didn’t think about it or him. I crave not having flashbacks at random times to make me remember more.

Dear friend who told me to move on,

You do not know what it feels like until it happens to you. I know you not know the pain I felt at that exact moment. The numbness that ran through my body. The blankness of my mind. You do not know.

You do not know that I wake at random times in the night in anxiety and panic. You do not know the nightmares I have at random. You do not know what it feels like to know you are asleep but cannot wake up from terror. I know you do not know what it feels like to experience this.

You do not know what it feels like to walk around in shame and pain. I know the weights I have carried for the past two years around my neck. I know the strain they caused, you do not. The weights may be gone but the strain is still here.

Dear friend who told me “actually appreciate” what I have,

Trust me when I say I know how wonderful my support system has been. Trust me when I say I know how amazing, kind, compassionate, and life saving my partner has been. Trust me when I say those because I damn well mean it. Do not tell me to check what I have because I am more than aware. I can see it and feel it. I can see the strain on my partner’s face at times but he never has given up on me. He has been my legs when I am too weak to walk and I am forever thankful to him for his unconditional love and support. Do not tell me to “actually appreciate” what I have in my life because I appreciate it more than you will ever know or feel.

Dear friend who said all of these things to me,

I am healing. This is a process. I know you were probably trying to make me feel better, I understand your intention. However, I struggle to understand your impact. Your impact has made me frustrated, confused, and angry at you. I wish I could forget and move on. I crave the feeling of forgetting and living like every other human on this earth. I wish I could walk around like you, carefree.I wish I didn’t have this story associated to my being but I do. I cannot change my life nor do I want to. I am who I am and I need you to let me be. I need you to think before you speak. I need you to try to empathize with me. I need you to be conscious of your word choice. I need you to be a supportive friend.

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