The Things I Carried.

I carried a life changing secret with me for two years.

I want more than ever to say it all. I feel like at this point I honestly do not have a lot to lose. My inner deepest secret has been exposed to the world. My secret I carried with me for two years has been mine and only mine. I never had once shared my story with anyone. I was the only one to carry this secret.

My heart was heavy and my feet dragged across the ground for two years. I lived knowing how traumatic and horrible my story was. I let this thing I carried simply live within me. I let it fill the missing piece of me it had destroyed.

I carried so many emotions with me for years. I carried the emotions of the night it happened. I carried the emotions of me living in a secret for so long. I carried the emotions of lying to everyone. I carried acting like I didn’t know what it felt like. I carried being a hypocrite. I carried so much confusion, trauma, anger, and sorrow. I carried acting happy and fine when I was really dying inside.

I carried the idea that it is all my fault. I carried the sense of being oppressed. I carried the idea I lost all control. I carried living in fear. I carried the horrible sense of wonder if I would see him each day. I carried if I would have to interrupt my life at any split second. I carried the inability to use my voice. I carried the lack of sleep due to nightmares. I carried the inability to show emotion. I carried being afraid to show emotion because I was worried someone would find out. I carried felling isolated and alone. I carried the justification that what happened to me was fine.

I carried it all.