Today I Heard the Voice of God
The last two times I moved back in with my parents I didn’t hear the message from God. I heard “You are doing it wrong” “You are fucking up” “Get your life straight” “Quit smoking, quit drinking, get a different job, get a different man” “You made wrong choices, now make the right ones”. I never heard the real message, the voice of God. This time I heard it. When all my ideas ran out, when I no longer had a get well plan, when I no longer had a new type of man to try out…I heard it. It took a little while, but I heard it. Amongst my tears, amongst my despair, in the middle of my darkest hour I heard “Now, are you going to love yourself?” NOW are you going to forgive the broken people who broke you?” Now, are you going to believe in the dream I created inside of you more than you believe in the lies you have been told about yourself?” At first I thought “I can’t do it. I am too broken. I don’t know how to live life. All the decisions I have made have gotten me here. How could you possibly say that I am able to do more than this?” Then I realized that all my dysfunction and mistakes were not born out of who I really am; they were born out of pain, lies, brokenness. I started to tell myself nice things like “You are going to do what you were put on Earth to do — come hell or high water” “You believe in your dream, and live your dream, all the other stuff will come” “Stop worrying about a man and start living your life”. I heard the voice of God in the caring people I talked to. In the YouTube talks I watched by Maya Angelou, and Iyanla Vanzant. I heard it in the kitschy memes everyone posts to Facebook in the hopes of lifting someone’s spirit. I heard it walking in the park. I heard it in my dreams, visions, and meditations. I heard it in my Divination cards. I heard it in songs. I heard it through the sky; watching the Sun rise and the Moon rise. I heard it through an Owl hooting outside my window. I heard it through a stray cat who let me pet him one day as I was walking.
NOW is the time, always. Now is the time to move on, to discard the stuff that has been holding me back; that I don’t need. I dare to dream big and believe in myself. I am here on a mission from God and I am not about to mess it up. I recognize I have made mistakes, I recognize I have wasted time; but I know it’s not over yet. I still have time to complete my mission. God doesn’t care what order we do it in, as long as it gets done. God is not a micro-manager. I still have 50–60 years to accomplish my mission.
I know that when I get to the Other Side I am not going to be shamed or scolded, but welcomed with the open arms of a God who loves me unconditionally. He is going to say “You did it!” “You made it!” “I am so proud of you, now come here and give me a hug”. Because in the end we learn what we are here to learn. What we actually do in this life matters not. It is what we learn that is key. So, for those of us whose lives are a wreck. For those of us who are sitting in our darkest of hours. Fear not, because we are learning the most. We may not have the most, but we can’t take it with us when we are gone. We may not have touched the world, or have been famous; but we learned A LOT…and that is the whole point.