6 solutions to make young white men feel safe in this “scary time”

Dear Trump,

I'm SO sorry this is a 'scary time in America for young men.' This is a serious problem (from the standpoint of seriousness.) As a woman, I have a few suggestions for young men who are feeling afraid:

  1. Walk with your keys in your hands in case some villanous woman decides to jump out at you and accuse you of sexual assault.
  2. Talk on your phone or keep headphones in, so that women won’t see the opening to get in your face and accuse you of sexual assault.
  3. Use the buddy system on the way to your car so that if some evil women accuses you of sexual assault, a friend can be that extra body to make you feel safe, and also yell "dyke" at her while you peel out.
  4. Don’t walk down a dark unlit path at night, because you know you’re just asking to have some woman accuse you of sexual assault.
  5. Wear lots of clothes, because if we even see the OUTLINE of peen in those slacks, you’re getting accused of sexual assault. She said, he said, man!
  6. The last piece of advice? All of these solutions are satirical. Don’t fucking sexually assault women.

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Note from the author:

If you feel inclined to read more from me, you can find my “hilarious” cancer survival tale here, my Nancy Drew Review Project on Blogger and my writing in fiction form in Suspense Magazine and The Sleuth. Also, follow me on Medium, Instagram, and also Twitter even though it’s garbage.

Thanks for reading!