The S.W.O.O.P. System

[originally published January 2014]

Dating is hard. Love is impossible. Hooking up, however, is cake.
Gentlemen, I present to you: The S.W.O.O.P. System — guaranteed to get any girl to go home with you. Just sit back, take notes, and I’ll pass around some condoms after class. Let us begin.

S — Sow the seed.

Show your interest. Subtlety is key — you might be tempted to dish out a contrived compliment right out the gate, but this also makes your sheisty intentions painfully obvious. Instead, exchange remarks. This song sucks. This song rules. Subtlety. You don’t have to start an actual conversation, God forbid; just something small to let her know you exist, that you know she exists, and that something can possibly exist between the two of you.

After she realizes you live in the same galaxy as her, be a crazy bold daredevil and introduce yourself. Learn her name. Then — wait for it — use her name. This may seem like a worthless detour to Mannersville, but best believe this train is still heading down south. There are real-life psychological studies that show how anyone’s ego will go from six to midnight when hearing the sound of their own name. Don’t believe me, Ralph? Scientific research backs up how any guy named Ralph will want my bod after reading that sentence — and before reading it… Ralphs tend to have low standards.

But really, repeating her name in conversation is the most stealthy method of seduction. On the surface, hearing it makes her feel unique, like this moment could never happen with insert-slut-here. This, this right here, is between you and me, Sarah. I mean, Katie. Ugh. Learn the name, use the name, and she’ll never suspect that this is all but a sneaky ninja love tactic. Beneath that surface, something nasty is going on in her brain — the hypothalamus, the not-so-sexy-sounding sex center of the brain, is loudly whispering, “PST HEY THIS JABRONI PAID ATTENTION TO YOUR NAME SO I WONDER WHAT ELSE HE CAN PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO LOL HEYO GET IT I’M TALKING ABOUT SEX.” Okay so a lady’s hypothalamus may be perverted, but it’s what motivates us to do everything we do, including going home with a rando. Listen. Pay attention. Use. Her. Name.

W — Wait.

The seed has been planted — and unless you also got a D in 1st grade biology, you know that the best flowers don’t immediately blossom. Yeah, you don’t have to wait to make your move. You could just aggressively rush to pollinate a flower with major daddy issues — but then you’ll just have a groggy “soop,” with a dash of desperation and four heaping cups of regret. The W isn’t the star ingredient of S.W.O.O.P., but it takes it to a higher level. It’s the bun of a hamburger. The Hawaiian roll. The pretzel roll. Sure, you can be cheap and put a prime beef burger on a discounted Publix bun, or on a stale hot dog bun if you’re my Greek aunt and treat every day like an episode of Chopped. Or, you can ignore your stomach pangs for 10 whole minutes and drive to Five Guys. Once you bite into a well-done patty on that fresh, soft bun, you’ll remember why you made the effort to drive out — the juice tastes that much sweeter. Trust me. Be patient. And remember what your grandmother told you: good things cum to those who wait.

O — Operate openly.

It’s 2014, kids — social media is everything. It transcribes our whole life to verify that these things really did happen. Yeah, it’s natural to want everything on the DL so you can get gross with other girls, but utilizing social media is infinitely more beneficial for your endgame — not to mention your sleazeball reputation. Going public makes it real, like the bully in Max Keeble’s Big Move who arrived at school every day with his chosen victim’s name scribbled on his t-shirt. Girls have three prime motivators: attention, jealousy, and food. Making cybermoves packs this triple punch by showing everyone you’re interested: she’s getting attention, other girls are jealous of this attention, and wait did he just send me a picture of food OH MY GOD this guy, like, gets me. Be open. Be bold. Stroke her ego, and the stroking will eventually be reciprocated.

O — Obliterate other options.

You displayed your interest. You publicly reminded her of this interest. Now, it is time, young grasshopper. The night is here. You’re standing with your back to the bar holding your Jack and Coke, then boom. You spot her. Wearing the crop top/high-waisted shorts combination to make her look “body-confident” when in reality she needed six of her friends to approve and reassure her she looks, like, SO skinny and oh my god can I borrow that for tomorrow k yeah theenkz. Now this step might seem overly animalistic, but this, this is the night you manscaped for, so just throw the etiquette and cuff links out the window and beat your chest like the primal beast you are. Approach her. Talk to her. If you can keep her entertained for 15 solid minutes, you’re in. Unless she has a ride home. Or her friend is nagging her to get in the taxi. Or she has a strict midnight curfew so nobody sees her magically transform into an ogre. So many options! All without you in the picture! Unless, that is, you eliminate these options. You could just go full-on evil and notify her that she’s not going home tonight. However, this is super rapey and we’re going for Snoop Dogg’s style of consensual seduction — that’s what it’s called, right? All you can do is make her realize that a night with you is completely necessary, rendering the other options absurd. You’re trying to walk home?! Walking more than a half mile can give you knee cancer. Your phone’s battery is only 97%?! I have a charger back home. Ugh, I just tried to call a cab for you but he said your place is out of his range… Think. Be creative. I have faith in your creepiness.

P — Pull. Pot. Or in my case, pizza.

We saved the best letter for last, so let me break these down for ya. Pulling, according to the omniscient, refers to the successful act of attracting a person to such an extent that you would be able to snog or perhaps bone them if you so desired. After wracking your alcoholically stimulated imagination to obliterate options, pulling should naturally follow. However, some girls are still in denial of their easiness. In their twisted, haircolor-tainted brains, girls hate to view themselves as sluts, but love to view themselves as bros. This is when you bust out the secret weapon — pot. Hahaa nah girl I’m not creepy like that, I’m just trying to smoke and vibe out, jah feel? Even if she’s not a stoner, this can still work for you. By going out in the first place, she herself obliterated the option of spending yet another night chin-deep in red wine nodding out to Netflix. Anyone who goes out is secretly on a hopeless mission to have the best night ever — this is the silent but deadly power of FOMO, making it pretty hard to cut the night short by passing up on a turn-down chill sesh. Plus, it’s really late and I’m like so high, man, so I totally can’t drive you home… you should just sleep here… on my face… *self high five*

Still no dice? Say it together now — pizza. This is a last-ditch effort, but foolproof. Remember the three irrefutable female motivators: attention, jealousy, food — and channel your pre-psychotic Mel Gibson and use your knowledge of what women want. True, you may be snogging later with garlicky saliva, but hey — you pulled. Nice work, Braveheart.

Eek. Do not pass go. You’ve made it this far, and are just now realizing that you Slick Ricked this system on Prudey Judy. If this is the case, then she most definitely has a church-produced Catholic guilt complex. Hence, your primary pulling efforts may seem pointless, but this only means that you can absolutely maneuver the system again, and again, until she finally comes around, or at least feels sorry for your pathetic self. “Aw, like he tries sooo hard, and he reminds me of my religious idol Mel Gibson, ugh, whatever, it’s only one night.”

Alright so this may not be the most satisfying option for you, but hey, you’re getting some. And isn’t that what this system is all about? Play your cards right, and there’ll be some P’s P’ing some P’s — if you decoded that correctly, congratulations, you’re my soulmate — you may just not know it yet… what’s your name? Ralph? Hello there, Ralph. Let’s get out of here.



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