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First, I want to say, I feel you.

Your job is draining, you don’t love it, it’s meaningless and dull and you wish you were absolutely anywhere else.

Tell me about your job. It’s the fucking worst right? The people suck, the product sucks and you get paid shit money.

At one time, you were so excited and had so much potential. And then a bad boss brought you down and coworkers became enemies instead of friends.

If you’re like me, you thought work was supposed to be this collaborative, awesome place, where creative shit gets done and people make moves like a boss. …

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Just because you identify with it doesn’t mean you’ve earned the opportunity to enjoy it.

This applies to so many things: lifestyle, house, car, people, locations.

We identify with things that are out of our reach and it brings us down.

It doesn’t mean you are less valuable than those things and it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve them.

It just means you aren’t entitled to them without effort, luck or opportunity.

This can bring you down or lift you up and give you something to strive for.

It’s your choice.

Life Is Dull Sometimes

We live in a world of extreme stimulation so dull moments in life may make you feel anxiety or feel uncomfortable. This makes you want to feel better so you reach for your phone, turn on the TV or call up your friends without acknowledging your feelings for a moment. …

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If you met me in early 2019, you would realize a few things :

I am indecisive, spacey, a bit lost most of the time, full of a ton of creative ideas and can’t seem to stick with one thing.

I also feel wildly unhappy — you know, like in the very pit of my stomach — and can’t seem to figure out why. I stay as busy as I can to avoid these uncomfortable feelings

I jump from project to project without executing anything fully, I feel poor because of student loans and trapped by my daily responsibilities. I loathe my job.

Can you relate?

This was me earlier in the year but is not who I am today. So what changed?

My younger sister and I — she is going through the process of trying to find herself and what she wants — took a personality test one weekend. The Enneagram test. A pretty popular one. …

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A friend of mine recently showed me this headline about a minor league baseball team that advertised a “millennial night” promising avocado burgers, ‘selfie’ stations, nap stations and participation ribbons.

I laughed, thinking it was a joke prompting my friend to exclaim “no, I think this is real!”

I said, “that’s a bit condescending isn’t it? Like, I’m all for avocado burgers but I think we’ve heard enough of the whole ‘participation ribbon’ thing.”

He said, “but it’s true.”

“What’s true?”

“That millennials need participation ribbons.”

“Based on what?”

“How entitled they are.”

“Your brother is a decade older than me and entitled as f*ck. He never participated in one sport or judged event. How do you explain that?”

“I’m talking about a group of people who need to be praised for getting out of bed in the morning.You’re talking about just one person.” …

Stop Trying To Stop My Feelings.

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As a young girl, I remember crying about a skinned knee, or my feelings being hurt and my mom tell me “oh stop crying, you’re fine”.

I remember my dad telling me (in a loving tone) “there’s nothing to cry about” and then almost panicking, “I just can’t stand to see you sad.”

I began to feel like I was disappointing others with my feelings.

So I stopped having them.

I built up walls, I always covered my face when I cried.

I never let anyone see me as a sad, vulnerable, girl.

If I did, I experienced astounding amounts of embarrassment.

I had an interaction with my boss. Someone who has never been too kind to me or others not in executive positions. …

I’m just trying to be better than yesterday.

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I think by some accounts, you could call me a bad person.

I’ve gotten in trouble for shoplifting, I’ve been a bully, I’ve lied, I’ve flirted too much while I’ve had a boyfriend.

I’ve been a people-pleaser, an over-achiever, a flake.

And everything in between.

I was taught that people are entitled to your time and energy just because they exist, even if they hurt you.

And I was taught that they WILL hurt you.

People cannot be trusted. We cannot have friends because they “use information against you,” said my mom.

We cannot have family get togethers because even family cannot be trusted. …

The only thing that helps me.

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I did something the other day that caused my sister to have a bad experience.

And I felt terrible — I had a knot in my stomach and felt tears well up in my eyes.

Yes, I felt bad that she was experiencing something less than ideal that I caused but mostly, I felt bad that she thought I was dumb, incompetent, worthless.

That I should have been smarter. I should have known better.

Growing up, this is how I pleased my parents.

I was quiet, I did all the right things, said all the right things. I got good grades and played sports. I never did drugs. I didn’t run around with boys.

I avoided being my true self to please others. Because their feelings of disappointment from the past, taught me that the paint of their disappointment was greater than the pain of being a ‘suck-up’ (essentially). …

Let’s not reduce my poor choices to some superstitious outcome.

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The other day, I said I disapproved of the actions of an individual.

My sister said, don’t say that, it’s bad karma.

That comment got back around to the individual who then threatened me if I said anything like that again. They said they would retaliate.

And everyone else? They said that was bad karma showing up.

No, it’s not bad karma, it was a consequence.

I knew the comment could get back to the person. I knew they may threaten to retaliate.

My comment was based on unethical behavior by them. I disapproved of how they were treating an employee who was a dear friend. I said it was wrong. …

They won’t judge you.

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I’ve always been shy. Since I was little, I’ve looked down at the ground or away from other people as we crossed paths. I would give half smiles, nod, show others respect. Never spoke too loud. Blushed when I was called upon in class.

It was just part of my nature.

And I never thought this was a problem until a good friend of mine went to rehab.

When I went to visit him, I noticed everyone I came in contact with eagerly, almost aggressively, made a point to make eye contact with me and say “hello”. …

And is it holding you back?

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I have an amazing imagination.

I work in marketing and graphic design so I’m constantly thinking up products, brands, logos, stories, websites. You get the picture.

And before each idea is fleshed out, I’ve already thought of the industry, the market and even the stores it belongs in.

In short, I left no room for expansion or elaboration; I left no room for an idea to evolve organically before stuffing it into the first box I could find.

I’m taking little embryos of ideas in a sense — not even fully formed — and classifying them.

It’s like taking a seed and saying it will grow into a strawberry plant without actually knowing what it is destined to be. …


Kalli David

A young Chicagoan examining life and all of its’ ins and outs.

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