Onwards

Isn’t it weird how sometimes after a relationship ends, you romanticize it? Just when you’re trying to forget how awful the breakup was, everything you do reminds you of your ex when you were happy together. The sweet memories almost seem to transcend all the hurt, and it’s really unfair because it reminds you of a place you can’t return to. Life is purposely unfair though, because that’s how you learn.

This week has been pretty rough for me, no lie. But the heart IS a muscle, and mine is pretty damn strong. I watched H meticulously pack his things from the comfort of my warm bed on a cold Sunday, both of us silently counting down the minutes before his Uber would arrive to take him away to the airport, back to San Francisco, and away from me forever. Not everyone who walks into your life is meant to stay, and although I wish he had, I knew it was for the best.

I usually don’t blame anyone for the crumbling of a relationship, but this one I blamed on myself. It would be easy to lay out all the ways we were incompatible and call out unreconcilable differences, but the truth is that we loved each other and we should have been able to work through them but I gave up. I gave up because I was never ready in the first place. When I met H, I wasn’t expecting to be in a serious relationship. Dude, just read my last post. My mind wasn’t in the right place, and I should not have been dating. All I wanted was someone to go hiking with on the weekends and show me around to come cool bars in San Francisco. I should have just joined a Meetup group. This is why when H got up to leave, I let him go. There aren’t many things in my life I wish I could have done differently, but this was one of them.

For what it’s worth, every ending is a new beginning and I’ve realized since how important it is to want the same things and share the same values as your partner. I don’t want to lead an ordinary life, and I don’t want to be with someone who does. If moving across the world to work with refugee children is something I’ve always yearned to do, I need to be with someone who isn’t only supportive but would be excited to come along. Or better yet, take ME along. I need to be with someone who inspires me, because that’s what it takes to earn my respect. I want to create a loving home with someone, and just living life with him would be an adventure. I want to always treat each other extremely well, with kindness and forgiveness. I want to be with someone who won’t ever make me question what makes me happy.

Onwards.

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