Part Two: Choose happiness

I still miss you every day. It comes in unexpected waves when little things remind me of you, like eating avocado toast. Or when Kitty makes a funny face, I think of your laugh. And every time I see a taco…you have probably ruined hard shell tacos for me forever. I feel a little crazy for how deeply I felt for you in such a seemingly short period of time, but I guess it had been awhile since I saw such a beautiful and exciting future with someone. A part of me is still upset by the way it ended, too soon and with so much left unsaid. I wish I could be angry at you and only remember the ways I was hurt by you, but my mind just won’t work like that. I still have nothing but love and respect for you, and this makes it harder to move on. Don’t worry though darling, I’m no longer sad. I think I’ve found my way to happiness again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still miss you.

To help heal from heartbreak, after being sad for awhile, find or remember the things that make you happiest and surround yourself with them. My friends make me happy. Writing makes me happy. I want to say booze makes me happy but I’m not sure if that counts. Sunshine makes me happy. Fresh squeezed, locally sourced organic orange juice makes me happy. Exercise makes me happy. Living in Portland, even in the rain, makes me happy. Come to think of it, it’s pretty hard not to be happy.

The past few days, I’ve denied myself nothing that would make me happy, and realized that it didn’t take a whole lot. I had a fantastic time dancing away at our work happy hour. I took my parents to my favorite Thai restaurant. I ate a crap ton of Applebees. I ordered the expensive whiskey on the rooftop lounge. I bought flowers and avocados. I spent the night with two different best friends this week and didn’t feel lonely anymore. I gave and received a ton of hugs. I made some new friends! I went to Powells and got some books I had been meaning to buy. I had bagels for breakfast and pulled back all my curtains for the sunlight to spread into my bedroom. As a result, how could my heart not be full again?

My friends are my lifeline when I’m down. They are actually my secret weapon to healing and being happy. I don’t know what I did to deserve a growing circle of the most caring, strong and loyal friends that I’m forever grateful for. Whether we Snapchat each other every day or FB message twice a year, I can face anything because I feel so loved. If you’re reading this, thank you so much for being my friend. Sometimes I think, with all my weird ideas and occassional neediness, that it’s a miracle I have any friends at all. Which leads me to end with one of my favorite Lemony Snicket quotes from his book ‘The Lump of Coal’:

“It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday (or heartbreak) season — like all the other seasons — is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them, and that’s the end of this particular story.”

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