Midnight rants

May be it was that last glass of Americano I should have avoided. I haven’t had coffee in a couple of days- just some trick I am trying for my migraine. I was waiting for my sister. I knew coffee would accompany me just right while it was raining outside. A warm coffee, chilly weather, rain slowly tapping on window pane and green washed leaves seem almost dancing. It calms me. I always carry two books in my backpack for moments like this. I make my pick of the two. Go Set the Watchman.

It’s almost 12 midnight. And it doesn’t feel good.

I am okay pretending to be okay for my closed ones, and I am okay pretending to think it’s the coffee that’s doing the deed. But it’s not.

I am restless. I am anxious. I am angry. Because I am not at peace. Because I am silent. Because I don’t have courage to fight back. Because considering someone else’s well-being means having to choose silence, to listen the things that humiliates my very core, to overlook the behavior that scrapes me piece by piece, to be okay with things that are unimaginable to me, to embrace hostility.

Then I wonder if I have a purpose in life. I seek answers in books. The War of Art. Resistance. If you haven’t read the book, let me tell you it resonates in you. Just like the foreword, the book was written for me and nobody else. Every page, every sentence, every word berates me. They tell me I am just swallowing these words. I think. And then I don’t want to read anymore.

I refresh to my fiction. Go Set the Watchman. But may be it’s reading Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird to Go Set the Watchman- I don’t feel the same magic. I don’t feel the same way I used to when I first discovered To Kill A Mockingbird years back.

It’s almost 1 am. I have a whole day of chores in couple of hours. I just feel let down. I feel restless. I feel unhappy.

I lie down thinking why I am unhappy. Then I am not rational and I continue to feel this way. I know I will be feeling the same way tomorrow. I have stacked my books next to my bed. They mock me.

I turn away and try to fall asleep.