I need to change my life.

I need a renewal of my outlook, the way I handle things, my diet, my habits, my hobbies or lack there of, the way I communicate with others, the amount I communicate. Basically everything.

I have been stuck in a bit of a lull the past couple of years. I have less and less close bonds with others, be that their fault or mine. I feel more and more consistantly sad, I smoke weed every day and I know it must be having some effect upon me. It certainly makes me more tired often… I need to cut that down. I need to excersise more and not let my Gym membership go to waste. I need to spend more ‘me’ time and fixate less upon Tom, what he’s doing and if he can do it with me or not so I don’t feel left out.

I am constanlty comparing my life to others and then making myself depressed about how little friends I have and how much more fun my old friends are having without me. It makes me jealous, crazy and then cry. This is a horrible habit and I need to become more independant and aware if and when I am doing this to myself. I must become aware that I have my own life with my own shit going on and I am in control. Who gives a fuck what others think? We have one life (as far as we know) so why the hell waste it comparing it to others? I just want to be happy.

But you know what else I am totally sick of? I often have these little epiphanys of mine “I’m going to eat healthier, drink more water, read more books, listen to the news regularly, contact more friends…blah blah blah.” It lasts for a wekk, tops. Then I get happy with my progress, treat myself or fall out of it for one day and there we are again, same old routine, same old dull, sad, annoying Katie.

I’m going to treat this next month as a rehaul month. I am going to make changes, genuinley. I am sick of feeling so depressed so bloody often. That’s not me! I have always been the ‘bubbly one’ or the ‘smiley one’. I even won an award for being the most smiley in the year group. What the fuck happened man? When did I lose all confidence in myself? So this month Ellis has left the house (finally!) and Tom is going away for the month. I won’t see him for a few days and then I am going home. Home is a place I both love and dread. I love being back in the countryside, going for walks, enjoying peace and quiet and the occassional friend I see. But that’s it. My parents after a few days drive me mad, I often feel trapped in the house with nowhere to go, or anyone to see so I go for lonely slightly fufilling walks.

I’m really going to try and embrace the loneliness. Be happy for Tom when he says what’s he doing instead of filling with envy. I then go up to York for 6 days, which I feel slightly unwelcome to do so because Tom wants alone time to see his friends etc. But I am not going a month without my beloved. I will actually go insane because he is my rock and I’m not saying that to be cheesy, he actually helps me become more grounded and whenever I do feel depressed he tends to help me recover from that. And vice versa. We help eachother a lot.

After the six days in York I will have time to myself in Bristol for two weeks to relax and “find myself” *gags*. So I’m actually going to do those things that have been on my to do list for a long time. I am going to finish my current book. I am going to watch all those cult films and the films I know I will love or everyone has watched and I haven’t. (Here’s a little list…)

Dazed and Confused (tick), Palo Alto, Carpe Diem, Taxi Driver, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, rewatch Bottle Rocket, rewatch Donnie Darko.

Ok. I am also setting myself health goals, I will try and go to the gym, I will try and drink a lot more water — less squash and juice, more tea — less coffee, eat less fatty foods and less carbs (bread mainly), a LOT less snacking, or at least unhealthy snacking, and control my portion size.

The last thing on my list is to enjoy music. Not just have it on in the background, not just listen to the same stuff all the time. Actually sit down, put headphones on and just listen. Explore genres and really get into some new stuff. I love music but I feel my interest is dying, I hardly ever listen to any anymore except when travelling to and from places. That is not how music should be enjoyed.

So overall, I am setting these goals to become more comfortable and happy with myself anf my life. I sincerely hope I achieve these things and keep up my new habits because I don’t want to feel so down about my life anymore.

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