In my thoughtress.
My thoughts are toxic and I cannot stop them. Every time I consider my emotions, the way I act and what I do, the more I realise I am pretty depressed. I have come to recognise that the most toxic of these thoughts that cause my depression is envy. Now, I have always been an envious person, looking in at other people’s lives and wishing I was more like them, wishing I had more friends, more things to do, hobbies and passions. I am a dull person. I often feel like my head is empty, like I’m not really thinking about anything. Like my imagination and creativity has dwindled away. Along with my intelligence I once had. I am friendly and considerate and I like to care for people. I cook and knit and draw but overall I am very dull. I know that. And more so now than ever because of my feelings.
The toughest thing I deal with is the huge envy I have for my partner. He is a multi-instumentalist, obsessed with music and is very good at it. He has musical friends he jams with and is in a band. He’s a busy popular guy from my perspective. It’s so hard to not let his successes get to me since we are so involved in eachothers lives. Living together is amazing but it also often leaves me alone in the house with nothing to do whilst he is out doing something fun. Or when he is bored he is keen to play around with music and I don’t have that. It’s the same when were both at our home homes and he has a group of friends to constantly see and I sit there alone and I almost feel angry with him, I have no idea why and I don’t want to, but I do. I can’t talk to him about it either otherwise it is embaressing and he then feels sorry for me and I become this thing to pity that needs help. He is very supportive, I know, but it’s hard to tell someone you love so much how hard it can be to be with them sometimes. This is not me realising I want to be single. This is not me wishing he was any different to the wonderful person he is now. I just DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANY MORE. I want to rewire my brain and stop the signals that create envy and anger because of the envy and depression. I need to do something, but what?
I don’t have a fun hobby to be a part of and it is NOT easy to just discover a passion and roll with it, get good at it, meet people because of it and build up relationships. This is something I should have started years ago, but never did because I am a quitter. I am lazy and selfish at times and I try to be social but sometimes it’s so hard and I struggle to make effort in fear of rejection. If it’s not the rejection fear, it’s simply because I am too fucking lazy. Again, I think this laziness is caused by depression. However, I would describe it more as lethargy leading to lachrymose (my new favourite word) leading to me not being able to accomplish anything all day because all energy and happiness evaporates. Then I have to face Tom with a face full of tears and try and verbalise how I am feeling but it makes me sound petty and I don’t want him to worry and realise just how messed up I feel all of the time. Because then it will make me even more aware and get worst — yes? No? I don’t know. I have showed him journal entries in the past but I’m not sure about this one.
It’s like little attention-seeking, ego-feuling Katie WANTS the pity and WANTS the concern about her and so shows him what she has written. But then I feel foolish and like even though I am writing for myself, I write for an audience and so miss out my inner most feelings. I might as well call this ‘a letter for Tom…or for me….or for no one…or to be forgotton about entirely and carry on as normal.’ I am very aware of my feelings and thoughts and aware of which are good and which are bad, but the bad ones are so hard to manage. I need an entire reworking of my mind and a restart. I would happily go back to 16 year old me, knowing what I know now and change my life drastically. I would pick up a fucking instrument and learn it. I would get really fucking into art or acting. I would make solid friendships that I keep going and working on and that will last. I would get into more things I am only really getting into now/over the last couple years like certain genres of music, graphic novels, animes, tv shows, cult classic films, more nights out and say ‘yes’ a lot more than I do…to seem more interesting. That saying ‘yes’ thing is so cliche but I am trying to do that. Problem is, I don’t get invited to do much so I don’t get to say yes often…
I am sick of this. I am sick of feeling like writing is my only output and how I am not actually doing anything to improve my life. I go through phases of setting goals and improving upon myself but I lack the motivation because of the lethargy and boom here I am again bitching to my keyboard and crying uncontrollably like always. WHY DO I DO THIS? Why can’t I just have a life changing epiphany and suddenly be like — oh is that it? I can totally improve myself! Yes motivation! Yes let’s do this! I have this feeling once in a while but it never has a strong lasting impact to the point where I keep the wheels turning and I roll with it. I have booked a Health and Wellbeing meeting and that is mainly what triggered this. No, I lie, what triggered the feeling like I had to call H&W (after contacting them to book 2 days ago) is because he said he was going over his friends house tonight to start a new musical project. Great. I could get involved too if I wasn’t so crippilingly nervous about singing aloud for anyone to hear. Or learning something that can make me involved, I get too embarresed about not being good at something. Why? I get so shakey and my heart goes and then I become quiet and there we go. I can’t do it. And I don’t want to live my life through him. I want my own thing. But this is pretty typical of girls my age in relationships (trust me, google it.)
Where has my confidence gone?
I used to be a very confident person, didn’t give a shit about others opinions much, was into drama and loved to perform…And now I get nervous and my heart beats fast putting my fucking hand up in a seminar group of 20 people. I also go red far too easily and I know I’m doing it and then I look down and try and hide it and then realise I look even less confident talking to the fucking table. I am not a very appealing person. Honestly I don’t think I am, otherwise I would have a lot more friends, surely? Yeah, Tom thinks the sun shines out of my ass, but that’s because I nurse him, I look after him, I make him laugh because I’m cute and I can manipulate him (not in a horrible way, nor too purposefully). I give him sex and intimacy and stability and cooked meals and support and yeah that’s great. That’s what relationships are supposed to be, but I don’t know…if we weren’t intimate, would we be really close? We were before, sure, but that feels like that was a previous more confident me who could speak freely and people really liked. Genuinley I used to be pretty popular. What has happened?
This entire thing is question after question *sigh*. I’m asking myself questions about who I am and what I do and how I got here. I can answer to an extent and track back to moments when I think parts of my personality were lost. For example, I honestly think not being single for so long during prime development years has made me a dependant person on my other halves. It has made me insular and introverted. It’s made me say yes less and take less risks because I have had stability, another option. It has given me less time to find interests because whenever I have been bored, I’ve got a partner to see. I also don’t have strong relationships with family members and no person I can really honestly say is my best friend and they would say it back without thinking about it. I literally just have Tom and I hate that so, so, so, so much because it’s a lonely exsistance when we loop back to and consider what I was writing about originally which is envy. It’s hard to work on your flaws when you live in close proxemity with a person which to you, seems flawless. Well, not flawless but certainly has qualities that you do not feel like you have. eg. funny, likeable, memorable. Maybe I’m looking through rose-tinted glasses.
If I were to distance myself I would probably get better. But I can’t do that because I love him so much and cannot imagine not having him. It would help though, I know it would. I hate that I know it would too because it is just NOT an option. It would send me spiralling alone in this world. So I have to work on myself and my thoughts and what I do whilst all the while thinking the same things about another. What happened to me being the one who looked after him because of his mental health eh? It’s me now and it’s getting worst.
I lack confidence and motivation and positivity and interests and interesting things about me and well…everything. I know my life isn’t as bad as some. I know people have it worst and feel like this ALL the time rather than most of the time. I know I’m quite privilaged and I struggle less than others so why do I have to feel like this? Am I bad person? Did I somehow deserve to have 0% self confidence and crawl ever so slowly down into a pit of depression? I am not over-reacting, or at least I feel I am not. I am not over-thinking. I think I need help and I guess H&W is a start but one session or a few sessions I doubt will solve this (though I am trying to remain positive that it will!). I just need a new brain and it’ll all be okay. Problem solved.
I don’t want my toxic thoughts because they are poisoning me and my personality. I need to get a new outlook and a permenant new way of thinking that works and works on my flaws and eventually pulls me up out of the pit and into the sunshine where I flourish. I think people are catching on as well. My family seem to be worried about me — both parents and siblings have showed some concern, even if not outloud — (which in turn makes me feel like a burden) and both Jaz and Hetty have showed serious worry. Which worries me. It gives me an excuse for flaking out on plans and responsibilities I guess, because I can say “Oh, I’m having a bad day” and they’ll be like “Ah yes, I understand, I accept, cry away, feel better soon.” Leaving me more alone, doing less things and back here again furiously crying and typing about how shit I feel. I think when you realise you feel shitty more than you do good, there is a problem. I am coming to realise that now and how I need to nip it in the bud before it blooms into a bigger problem that pushes everyone away and leads me to a lonely exsistance.
I am not being dramatic. I am not coming across as dramatic because I feel overwhelmingly shit right now, but because it’s the truth. These are my genuine concerns written down in the best way I have ever been able to write them. This is because I have been the most honest with myself. If you can’t be honest with yourself then who can you be honest with? I lie to myself far too much and should own up to me being a lazy, bitchy, cynical, lathargic shit and not make up excuses to myself that I then later start to believe because I tell them to myelf so much. Then what’s real and what’s not becomes a blur over time. I am waffling and getting a little profound here so I digress…
Well, ‘I digress’ isn’t the phrase here because I’m not going off topic because there wasn’t really a topic to begin with. I guess toxic thinking is the topic so then that makes everything I have written about, relevant (here Igo, waffling again). Because these are all examples of toxic thinking and how, basically, I do not like myself. At all.
Then there’s the uncertainty of my future…but that’s a whole other can of worms to open and to be frank, I am getting fed up of thinking. That’s it for today. Now to spend the day contemplating whether of not to show Tom and say “THIS. This is why you find me crying. This is why I get upset and you worry. This is what I am thinking and when you ask what’s up and I say ‘I don’t know’. But I find it too hard to verbalise or cannot pin down a singular reason from the whirling pool of many reasons that all domino together to the forefront of my mind and explode into emotions that I cannot seperate from one another. Now deal with it and please make it better?” — but how? I have no fucking clue.