Closure… does it even exist?

It’s always only ‘Your’ decision to let go and move on instead of waiting on for it…

She took both his hands in hers; they were cold, just like his heart… And exactly like the look in his eyes!

When she glanced at him, she already knew what this meant. Everything became more and more clear to her now, but it hit her bit by bit. There was no connection left there, nothing at all. It was all just a mirage. She was searching for him in the desert, thinking he was ‘the drop of water’ that would maybe quench the thirst she’d been having for months now. She could catch a glimpse of him once in a while, oh but the efforts she’d had to put in to just see him. The level she’d had stooped down this one time, giving up all self-respect. She defended herself saying ‘Self-respect is way overrated when it comes to Love!’ She knew though what this was to cost her, what she had become… yes ‘pathetic’ was the word, she told herself. She’d become that needy, desperate ‘bitch’ that he now wanted to get rid of. However much he tried, she kept cropping up back in his life again and again and he forced her to get out of it, just like the forced breakup after all the promises of ‘forever’ he’d willingly made to her before.

That April afternoon… it was the last they met. And she got all so overcome by emotion, the feeling of longing as she saw her former beloved stand there looking at her. He looked the same, gained a little weight though. All his imperfections looked flawlessly perfect to her still. The way he looked at her now, she searched desperately for the love she’d very well seen for like forever. But it felt different now, there was no love in his eyes. They were empty of emotion. This was all just a formality. He’d come to see her just because he’d promised. So maybe he wanted to keep at least one last of his promises. Maybe he didn’t want her to think he was all lies. Guess he wanted her to get some closure after all. Inspite of everything, she’d always believed him. She still did!!

The 4 hrs they spent together cannot be described in a single word. Awful, beautiful, upsetting, cruel, wounding, she didn’t know what to think of it. She thought she was reasoning with him. He thought she was begging him to come back to her. I guess he felt like some sort of a prize all that while! He intently listened to every word she spoke, yet didn’t respond to a single one. She noticed he could barely look her in the eyes. Was it his guilt or indifference? She couldn’t figure that out.

When he left, she was left yearning for him to come back. She was literally begging for more. His kiss had felt like nothing at all. When he looked at her, she knew he was guilty, but also indifferent. And it was evident it was all over between them now. Nothing was ever gonna be like old times, she knew. It was never ever gonna get better for them. This was it… The inevitable ‘END’!!

The reality was much harder to accept, yet again! Her heart didn’t want to believe that. “It’s all just a load of crap, he still loves me!” It thought and closed all doors, plugged in its headset, turned up the volume to maximum and tuned on its favourite song… ‘their song’… to tune out any and all calling from the brain. It simply acted deaf. Not ready to accept reality, let alone embrace it. It was still clinging on to the beautiful past that was now beyond the horizon. The brain was trying its best to explain, the past wasn’t going to come back. It wasn’t going to happen again. The heart spilled out more and more love with every word and every note it heard. It was bleeding. It didn’t want to hear the pleading of the brain. It sure did not want to reason. The brain kept on though, fighting a losing battle. And once again, the heart in all its indifference and folly, emerged victorious!!

All knew it was a lost cause and no one wanted to participate in the heart’s victory. But had there been a choice ever? And yet again, laying down all arms they all rejoiced in unison, although half-heartedly. Ironically, even the heart revelled half-heartedly. It was just so scared, yet again, although it had put up a brave countenance. It was firm on its belief; but in its own heart, it knew it was going to lose once again. It knew it was doomed. But it didn’t wanna give up. Not just yet… It wanted to keep going till its last.

And then started the trials, the same routine that had been going on for a while now… the texts, the reassurances, the promises, the unanswered phone call (this time singular, wanted to keep intact the last shred of self-respect I suppose), the google-ing, the ‘incognito’ mode searches to try and find out some way, just one pathetic way that would ensure his return somehow, no matter the price! Yes, ‘pathetic’ was the right word they all knew yet they joined in on the heart’s stubborn insistence and did it’s bidding… and it all went on for hours until finally sleep conquered them all.

At least there’d be some silence now… although, maybe just for a little while…