Pills on the Nightstand

Adapt and adjust. Adjust and adapt. That has been my life since the last time I posted. I have been learning to adjust and I have been learning to adapt. A lot of times I find myself wondering if it’s better to live with demons or to confront them. I also wonder sometimes if it’s easier to pretend they aren’t there or adjust to having to fight them daily.

The people around you are the hardest to deal with. Almost harder than dealing with demons. Those you love, care about, worry about and confide in can be those demons. While you may be adjusting and adapting they may not be. They may not be interested or able to move throughout life the way you do or walk side-by-side with you as you fight your biggest battles. That’s okay.

It’s been almost a month since my diagnosis. Almost a month since I started medication. Almost a month since I started living my life willingly adjusting and adapting. There aren’t any takebacks once you get the diagnosis. You can’t just say “well okay I am doing having this now so let’s pretend I don’t” that isn’t safe.

But this isn’t about Bipolar 2 or taking medication it is about adapting and adjusting to major life changes. Marriages, births, deaths, severed relationships, jobs..

Sometimes it seems like you don’t fit in or you just don’t fit into that puzzle. You (read as I) find yourself (read as myself) wondering if you’ll ever belong fully. You wonder if people feel the same things you feel inside but just don’t talk about them.

You wonder if people are struggling to adapt and adjust like you are. You wonder if they are kindred spirits — just trying to make sense of these changes.

You try not to complain, you try not to brag, you try not to be too happy yet mask your sadness. You try not to show anger, you try not to show euphoria, you try not to make others uncomfortable with how life changes you how life changes…change you.

You want to be transparent, an open book for others to relate to, but when you do it makes people uneasy, afraid, concerned. “They” want to see the finished product but can’t stand to witness the process.

How can you appreciate the finished product if you don’t understand how it was created? How can you say you love someone for who they are if you never asked how they got there?

Loving and letting someone adjust and adapt before your eyes is how it should be.

I should be able to talk about my lows and my highs. Experience sadness and euphoria. Brag and complain. I should be able to adapt and adjust without the fear of the process pushing others away. I should be able to let life’s rollercoaster take me for a ride and not have to worry about getting off and no one is there to ask me how it was.

We need that. I need that. I am learning to adapt and adjust to major life changes but don’t disappear on me. I need you here.

I wrote about expressing your needs and telling people how to treat you. I haven’t done that lately. So here I am adapting and adjusting while feeling alone.

Loneliness is normal but when you ignore your needs you become resentful of those you love and care about. Vocalize your needs. Tell them you need them there for the process. Adapt and adjust but don’t lose yourself and your voice during the process.