Did I do something wrong?
After I told you about my first interview, I was finally accepted at the course institution. This was my first time working and I was very excited, but something made me unable to continue working there. I knew finding work was difficult, but I also didn’t know what to do at that time.
I felt there was a misunderstanding between me and HRD, which made me think twice (at that time I still didn’t realize it because I was too excited).
First Day Of Work
On my first day of work, I was given a week’s training to find out how the company works and the work environment. I was invited to tour the company and greet the teachers there (the employees are teachers). When I met the teachers, I got to know them and they were friendly towards me. Then I was invited to the classroom to be given directions for the work I would do for the next week.
I met someone who would later become my partner in every assignment. However, her first impression on me was quite a shock. She was surprised by my sudden arrival and then she remained silent even though at that time I said hello and she smiled. I think she doesn’t like me suddenly appearing here. At first, I tolerated it because this was my first job (I still think positively).
As a new employee, I didn’t know what to do and I tried to make small talk. I assumed that she would be my mentor, but it wasn’t that easy. She is busy greeting parents and students all the time. So, when I talk to her, she always says “wait a minute, I’m busy” maybe because I can’t make small talk yet. The first day didn’t go well, so I just kept quiet and focused on my work (really quiet until I got home).
On my first day of work, I concluded that the course did not have rest time for prayer (I am a Muslim). Lunch time is very short and flexible, so I don’t know when it’s time to take a break or when it’s time for me to stop working to rest, eat lunch and pray.
I feel there is no bonding between new employees and old employees. They didn’t invite me to have lunch together or start a conversation. They were fun to joke around with, laughing in the room without me. If I suddenly enter the room, I worry that they will suddenly become quiet and it will be awkward. So, I chose to remain silent in front of the reception desk. On my first day of work, I endured hunger until I went home. (On the first day of work, I forgot to bring lunch)
BTW, I work in the marketing field, at that time they didn’t provide a place for me to work. So, I work with 3 people at the reception desk in different divisions. While I work, I will also have direct contact with the parents of the students and children there.
Usually, the children wait for class by playing, sometimes screaming until they cry and making me unable to focus on doing something. Sometimes some children come up to me, because they are curious about me and keep looking at me. I don’t really like children and it bothers me. So i just greeted them and smiled friendly as i can.
The Second Day Of Work
On the second day, I couldn’t make a conversation yet, I just smiled the whole time. Let’s call them The Admin and The CC. Whatever I said to her, it seemed like I was someone who didn’t know anything. I feel like I am a quiet person who asks a lot of questions and interferes with his work.
Meanwhile, The CC, he was a quiet person, when I asked him something he said “I don’t know, just try asking the Admin” then when I asked the Admin it was like “well, just see for yourself!”
I’m confused about what to do. On the one hand, people who are working for the first time have to ask a lot of questions, but on the other hand, they are not given the opportunity to explore. If you say “just come along for lunch” on that day, they brought their own lunch. I didn’t, even if they wanted to eat lunch outside, none of them came out of the room.
Actually, I wanted to ask something to the teachers there but I almost didn’t have time because they were busy teaching and preparing learning materials. So, the only person I asked about this job was the Admin but I saw his face as if he wasn’t interested in me, like I was a child who didn’t know anything.
I was called to the HRD room to discuss other work and this is where I started overthinking.
They will hold school visits, where I as marketing offer these programs and liaise with school principals and other things. If there is an event I will be the first to go. I thought they had a previous employee as a marketer who would be my mentor, but in fact I was their first marketer.
I was surprised and got a bit of a shock. I did everything myself. I don’t have any real work experience because previously I worked as a small food reseller and promoted online. I didn’t meet with them to offer products, I only met to make COD payments.
I need someone to teach me, I can’t do it alone yet. The responsibility is huge, and I still can’t adapt to the environmental situation among employees here. Too many things to think about.
Actually, I can do it alone and that’s fine. I will also do my best for this place. But at least someone will teach for a day or two. All this time, I thought there was a coworker. So, we visited the school together, and I agreed to work here. in fact not. I do it myself.
The next day until the fifth day of work.
In the afternoon when I was doing design work for merchandise, I heard the Admin talking about me. She said I’m “quiet and mysterious”. Those words made me hurt. Again and again I just kept quiet and started not focusing on work. She actually said next to me, she knew I was working next to him.
Why do I know he’s talking about me? Because one of the parents was waiting for their child and chatting and then asked who I was next to her and the Admin said that.
Although now, I understand why she said that to me because I actually didn’t speak at that time because I was afraid of disturbing them. I sometimes chat to CC, I chat with teachers even a little, discuss the work system and future work (not often) but when there are students’ parents, I work as usual and just keep quiet and just smile when our eyes meet.
Why not ask for their telephone number for communication? I’ve asked for the telephone number of one of the teachers to communicate but she has to get permission from the Admin. The teacher even said in front of me, “Can she ask for our number? Or shall we enter a group?” all eyes were on me and I thought like “why does she have to ask the Admin for permission? You’re the one who has the cellphone number, right?”
And in the end, I didn’t get the number of one of the teachers. Maybe they think because I’m just training here, I haven’t become a permanent employee yet. But I feel neglected, is this what it feels like to be a new employee who can’t socialize?
Previously, I had the courage to talk to them about the concept I was working on. the teachers explained well and were friendly. But, the admin is different. when I asked about this concept the admin said to me like “that’s your problem!” in a dismissive tone, hoping I could understand without asking. She didn’t even look at me, I tried to respect them but they themselves didn’t respect me as a new employee here. Did I do something wrong?
How did the teachers react? they just kept quiet. They only paid attention to the admin, some even laughed, it was awkward after that. Luckily, the conversation was on the way home. So, I went home crying.
I went home by motorbike, driving at night with trucks passing along my road home. The night was dark, only vehicle lights were all I could see with tear-filled eyes. I can’t help it. I feel guilty. Do I deserve to work in a place like that? Am I ready to work in an unsupportive environment? Will I grow? can I?
I went home crying and started thinking about whether I should continue or not.
My last day of work.
Towards the last day, the place was hectic because of the students’ graduation ceremony. From morning to evening everything is busy and full. The Admin and The CC were busy going in and out of the classroom preparing for the graduation ceremony, the teachers were busy teaching in the upper room and I just quietly did my assignments in front of the receptionist with the parents of the students who were already sitting there. Waiting for the graduation ceremony to start.
Initially I wanted to help, but I still had work to do and I was even asked about my performance results, whether they were finished or not and there were still many other revisions.
Until finally I was asked to come to the HRD room and it turned out that it was actually my last day working there. Because previously, I told him that I needed a partner or at least someone who would teach me because I needed direction. I really had no experience in offline sales and went straight into the field, and she said I had a hard time smiling and that was true. Maybe because I had too many things to think about that I forgot about it. (I think I smile every time a student’s parent looks at me)
In the job vacancy info, there is a statement that they need a marketing officer such as social media admin, SEO, email marketing, marketing campaigns and design. Which works behind the scenes. Turned out, to be much different from what I received.
I don’t know whether this is the right thing or not. I asked myself, am I ready to work? Am I ready to meet people out there who I don’t even know? I’m too afraid of what people think of me that it will end up destroying me because I think too much about what people say.
Sometimes I also like to compare, why is “A” like that? How can “A” fight from her lowest point? Until now I don’t know what job is suitable for me? Or is this because I’ve been at home too long? Have you been living in your comfort zone for too long? I was too afraid of what those around me would say, always taking it to heart and overthinking until I couldn’t focus.
I’m curious, on the first day of work it doesn’t matter if I don’t know anything, right? At the start of work I’m confused about what to do, right? At the age of 23, I really felt for the first time what it was like to work in someone else’s place and get paid. BTW, I live in Indonesia and maybe my work culture and yours are different.
Until now I’m still looking for job vacancies and maybe I won’t take up sales that deals with lots of people and looks for targets because I really can’t make small talk. I’m not a people pleaser.
Why did I take this offer? because this is my first time working.
