The fear of the first time.

Here we are.

It’s 03:56 am… I’m tired, I should go sleep but I can’t. I have to do this… I have to work at 09:00 am on Pikiz, my startup, but I can’t go to sleep, I don’t want to.

I’m a web developer, I love reading books, imagine fantasy stories in my head but I have never written something and publish it. I have no idea of how I should do this. I have always suffered to write an essay at school. So how can I write an article on Medium, on MEDIUM ??

It’s 4:03 am. I should drop it, delete the draft and go to sleep. Yeah but… Why not finish this quickly and post it, then I will remove ‘write my first article’ from my to-do-list. But people will read it and they will…

It’s now 4:09 am. I can feel the fear through me, in my arms, my fingers. My heart beats so hard in my chest and arguments in my head appear one after the other. Why should I post? What should I talk about in my article? An article is supposed to talk about something, bring something to the reader. What shall I bring to those who will read me. All these arguments make me think that I should close my computer, sleep and go do what I do best: coding. Stay in my comfort zone. Staying in this area is what discourages most documents on personal development. Easier said than done.

It’s 4:19. I found this quote on the net:

“Do the thing you fear, and continues to do so. This is the Quickest and surest way of all victory over fear.” — Dale Carnegie

It’s inspiring and scary but… I think I should write this article for me first. To move forward.

I know what my article is going to talk, the fear we feel when we want to start something for the first time. this fear that keeps us that us put in all our states, which grows progressively as we force ourself to move forward and which left us a bitter taste when we give up. But when we finally succeed, we feel powerful, happy, looking back we wonder why we’re so undecided, why we did not do it sooner, we feel able to do it again. But there is no second first time. The next one will be another first ‘first time’. A different one, with its own fears, its own arguments. How can we escape from that?

Honestly I don’t know. Maybe we don’t have to, maybe we should enjoy these fears, face them every time. In one way, it makes us feel alive and that is fantastic.

It’s 4:33 am. I would like to be a chair at this time. It’s good to be a chair. There is no challenge, no first time. We just have to wait and see strange people sit on itself. But it’s so boring.

It’s 05:06 am. I take my time to read my work and correct mistakes (I’m not a native English speaker so…) and I’m ready for the best part: The publication. All I have to do is to click on this button and it will be over. I will reach my goal, face my fear,

I will have written and published my first article.

Well, If you see this, I have made it, I must be so happy now or not but I must certainly be proud of me at this time.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to let me know your opinion suggestions advice of any kind.

It’s 05:23…

PS: Thanks to Yann Girard for his post ‘How to be the world’s best writer’ everything starts there.