The Choice is Up to You
What if you’ve subconsciously used something you’ve been taught as an excuse to avoid anything difficult?
Lately I’ve been on a little bit of a self discovery journey, meaning that I’ve been looking at myself like an onion; pulling back layer after layer to see what makes up the core of me. Some of the things I’ve found, I’ve liked, but some of them I’ve realized have been holding me back. It’s amazing how much we are taught, but yet never question. Or on the other hand, are told for one certain circumstance, yet apply that to the rest of our life.
For example, everyone’s heard the phrase, “You can’t see the future through the rearview mirror.” That quote has gotten me through a lot, because it’s a constant reminder to just keep moving forward, and the best is yet to come. But what if that’s not the case? What if you’ve subconsciously used that quote as an excuse to avoid anything difficult? You might be wondering what the heck that means, so I’ll take you on a little journey of my own life these past few months to explain.
Two years ago I was a freshman at Vanguard Unversity, but I left after my freshman year to go to Australia to work with youth for six months. After returning to the US, I decided to take another 6 months off from school to debrief and be with family. However, after a lot of different hiccups in the road, and some decision making, I decided that Vanguard was the next best move. So, after a year of being gone, I decided to go back. First instance of me revisiting something of the past, just keep that in your mind.
I moved in on Sunday, August 28th, and that took me on a whole roller coaster of emotions. My family came up to help me get all settled, and after getting some dinner together, they headed back home. There I was, alone in my new room, at a familar place, yet it didn’t feel familiar at all. I texted one of my friends that I was really close to my freshman year, to just come hangout with me so I had at least a sense of familiarity. Second instance of me revisiting something of the past. Yet, that didn’t go as I thought it would either. She ended up leaving and I sat in my room holding back tears, not understanding why I came back. And then just as fast as the thought had come, it was gone, and I was faced with a different version of myself; the one that doesn’t look in the mirror and keeps moving forward.
That’s when it hit me. That was my way of dismissing any conflict. That was my escape of dealing with anything hard. If I just kept my head down and avoided any conflict that came my way, I might get to where I wanted to, but when it finally came time to look in the mirror, there’d be an awful lot of people that I had plowed through to get my point across. Is that even worth it?
And that’s the question I had to ask myself.
Long story short, it’s been a week of school so far, and everything’s looking up. I decided that Vanguard is the best place for me right now, even though I might not agree at times, I know there’s a reason that I’m here. I decided that running away from conflict is not going to settle things, and have reconciled some things with some old friends, and have a lot more reconciling to do. There’s still a lot of unknown and that’s scary, but I realized that running is never going to get me anywhere, so I’m ready to face it.
There’s that quote that says, “F-E-A-R has two meanings; Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours.” I’ve realized that for so long I’ve masked my fear as “that’s just beneath me,” or “I’m better than that,” or “I don’t have time for that drama,” or even, “that’s of the past, why bring it back up?” But that’s simply my pride saying I’m terrified right now and I’m sprinting away as fast as I can. I wonder what would happen if I decided to face it instead of run. I mean, the choice is up to me right?

