Girls Can’t Do That
But why not?
I was about four or five years old, with two neighbor friends in my bedroom playing “house” — which naturally transitioned into playing “church”. My stuffed animals were lined up in rows as if they were sitting in pews in a chapel.
I announced that I would now pass them the sacrament.
My two friends — who were sisters — promptly shut that suggestion down. “We can’t do that,” they said, “it’s bad.”
I honestly don’t know if they said the word bad, but it must have been the impression I was given since I tend to remember it that way.
I argued with them because that was just silly. Why wouldn’t girls be able to pass the sacrament?
I don’t know what resolution we came to for our game, but it turns out my friends were right, girls in my congregation don’t pass the sacrament.
Whether or not they can is up for debate. But they don’t. It’s done only by males, usually teenagers, who are “priesthood holders.”
I never learned as a kid why girls can’t pass the sacrament. I’m not sure if I ever asked. If I did the answer wasn’t memorable enough for me to recall now.
By the time boys my age were passing the sacrament, I wasn’t bothered by it. I must have accepted it as the natural order of things. Or maybe I was too busy having fun with friends and being boy-crazy to think much about it.
I do remember caring that I didn’t get to go on the same scouting adventures my brothers did.
Fast forward all these years later, and my daughter consistently asks:
Why can’t girls be bishops?
Why can’t girls be the prophet?
Why aren’t there very many girls in the scriptures?
Why don’t girls give blessings?
She has even added
It makes me feel like I’m not special.
She has even had an adult point out to her that her dad could baptize her, but her mom couldn’t because she “doesn’t have the proper authority.” She asks about that sometimes also.
She hasn’t asked about the sacrament yet, but I’m sure she will wonder when the boys her age are passing it and she’s not. Or, maybe by then she will be used to the status quo and stop asking.
I sure hope that isn’t the case.
I’m glad she thinks deeper about it than I did at her age. I’m afraid though that she feels deeper about it also.
I have my reasons for taking my family to church. It’s a way for us to worship and connect with God. I love worshipping in a community — for both me and my kids. I have had many good and impressionable experiences participating in this church.
But the inequality my daughter and I see weighs on me constantly. It’s probably not sustainable for my girls. Sometimes I wonder if it’s sustainable for me. I’m trying to be very intentional and open-minded about the situation and take things one step at a time.
I try not to brush off her concerns with oversimplified answers. I tell her that for a very long time in churches and in society — all over the world, people have thought women should only take care of children at home and not have other jobs. I tell her that isn’t true and that some people are still learning.
We talk about the importance of both women and men being leaders and doing a variety of jobs. I tell her that anyone who doesn’t think girls should be able to do the same things as boys is wrong.
I still don’t think my answers are good enough. Are there any answers that exist that are good enough?
I know the problem isn’t confined to church and that she’ll see inequality in other areas of her life. I hope that what she learns at home and, more importantly, what she knows in her heart holds more weight than anything else.
