Journey to Self-Approval: Week One
Going back to the gym always feels a little weird. You see similar faces from months ago, but you’re never sure if they see you. They’ve been grinding day-in and day-out and have the physique to show for it. Your weak shoulders and arms are loosely draped by a plain white shirt, and the cotton protrudes forward around the stomach and sides even while sucking in a little bit.
I’m sure the regulars have seen many people start and stop prioritizing their health, so my face probably isn’t as unique and definitely not noteworthy. Still, the insecure thoughts pop up randomly: “Are they looking at me?”
Most likely, they’re not. They’re more focused on themselves than anyone around them. They’re calculating their current lift, assessing the previous set, and wondering if they should increase the weight next workout or drop it. If they’re going hard, they’re focused on the pounding heartbeat gushing blood into their fatigued muscles. They’re keeping an eye on the time between their next set. And if they’re mid-set, they’re definitely not looking at anyone else. Their eyes are fixed on their form pushing (or pulling) their way through 30 seconds to 1 minute of self-inflicted pain.
The people who are secure with their body focus on their body. It’s their perpetual work-in-progress masterpiece they’ve been sculpting for years. Insecure people who haven’t been to the gym in a while (me) would rather not look at our own body. We’d rather look at someone else. Luckily, there are a lot of beautiful dudes to look at.
On Friday, I went in, did my deadlifts (135 lbs 5 sets of 5), and then rearranged the barbell on the cage to start doing some front squats. I loaded up 10’s on each side for a total of 65 lbs, pushed through 8 reps, and everything felt good. Nice. After my second set, a guy loaded up weights onto the other available squat rack. He put up a plate and 25’s on each side for a total of 185 lbs and started front squatting the load. I cut my usual break between sets short, went through my 8 reps, and scurried away soon after. My insecurity peaked.
Instead of comparing myself to someone else, though, I need to start appreciating them isolated from me and my mess. People don’t just go in and warm up with 185lbs on their first week. They work at it. They put the time in. They keep going and going, and they make their time in the gym worthwhile. They’re dedicated, and it’s a damn impressive sight. I could sure use the motivation boost and think, “Wow, that’s nuts!” versus “Wow, I’m shit.”
Anyway, the workouts this week started great. As expected, I’m weak. Luckily, since I’ve started and stopped going to the gym regularly, I know there should be some significant gains to be recovered. For the first month, I’m going to play around with the increments per workouts to see if I can catch up quickly to older numbers. Even though it’s best to stick to a linear plan i.e. increase weight every workout/every week/every month in the beginning, I’ll be incorporating more structure after the first month. I’ll plot the rate of increase needed to hit my 3 month goals. This is the fun part for me: figuring out all the details and looking at expected performance gains. It’s where my mind can get carried away and imagine, “If I increase it by x amount of weight every x amount of time, I’ll be lifting 500 lbs in no time!” If only it were that easy. It’s simple, but grueling.
Here’s the data for this week:
*Hammer chins = hammer grip chin-ups. Not to be confused with this:
I joined the gym on Tuesday so I combined my upper and lower body workouts to make up for the missing Monday. Since it was calibration week, NBD. I was dead tired after those dips anyway.
Other highlights:
- When I left the gym on Wednesday, everything looked extra bright. It was like in one of those scenes in movies where the camera turns up the aperture and everything has a fuzzy glow around it. I think I was going to pass out.
- Lost my lock on the 23rd so I couldn’t shower on the 24th. I think it was because there was a naked old guy next to me in the locker room so I bolted.
- Left elbow is giving me some weird soreness. Hopefully it’ll go away during this weekend.
- Planks are freaking hard. I hate core workouts.
