Photo by Olivier Piquer on Unsplash

Dee’s Crystal Ball

What if?

It’s been a while since I poured something here. May call it a hiatus — giving space between what ifs and what nots.

A lot has happened in the past few months, and thankfully, most of them were great. Life has been really good, could not be more grateful for that.

2019 has come to an end.. and just like everyone else, I use the new year as an idea to reflect — to look back on the past year. It’s not that new year will guarantee your life to fully change as you expected it to, or just as much as you like it to be, but isn’t it nice to review your life continuously so that you can properly ask yourself: am I doing the right thing?

So let’s unpack. I’ve been inspired from a lot of things I’ve learnt, seen and heard throughout the year. One time things would come in bigger magnitudes — but the next thing I know, some just remain still. People come and go, surprise surprise — whatsoever, but then I realized it was huge.

Do you ever feel like constantly not doing the right thing — just because your gut feeling say so?

Sometimes that’s when you know the whole concept becomes problematic. Sure, once in a while you would believe some random feelings blindly just because you’d thought it’s your last resortto trust your gut — but it isn’t a crystal ball, hence you shouldn’t treat it as an oracle. I read it somewhere, and it hit me right in the feels.

First and foremost, there are few things that you can control — but feelings — they’re f***in wildcards. They can create uncertainty if you don’t treat them right, but if you learn how to organize and become aware of them, you’ll win.

Imagine if you were about to follow every impulse, wouldn’t you be completely stuck and miserable?

Basic instincts are not intended to guide you throughout your life, that’s what your mind is for. If it’s too hard to control your feelings, you can still control what you think, your brain is able to intervene so that you can decide which are worth considering, or experiencing long term. And this, has major impact on your happiness. Right decisions create right feelings after all.

I’ve always been a worrier all my life. Although I believe we’re all overthinkers at some point in our lives, but in my case, I’m always, like always partially lost inside my head. It’s like — I think a LOT — I notice everything, but I try not to say a word about it. And the deeper I think, the deeper I seem to sink. This often gets me very anxious, and ended up attacking my emotional state.

That’s what got me to the point where I took a step back and reflect. Even though I’m still struggling, but I’m trying not to let my feelings manipulate my body to differ of what’s the actual reaction and what’s a projection. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of labyrinth that I created myself, without having the way out.

My obsession with my own fear seemingly came from believing : “the more I think about these things, the more these things would likely to happen” (you know what I mean right?). I feared of what’s coming ahead, or some disaster might occur, caused me to stay in my safe haven. I was too afraid to take the next steps, because I feared of falling to my misery — down the cliff.

And what I didn’t realize : there was no such thing as a cliff. It was my gut playing tricks on me, and my mind reacted to it. My body reacted to it too. I was made to believe that a disaster would happen, while in reality, my fear of falling to my misery just got the better of me.

In other words, instead of clearing the path — I was blocking the path to get the way out.

So what I did back then, I took control of my mind instead of letting it take control of me. I let go of my thoughts. Well this seems so paradoxical, but just bear with me.

You know when you let go of some things, and those exact things don’t overpower you anymore?

That’s when you know you can choose to get off of it. It’s an endless journey, but still you can choose not to be part of it. By controlling this, you have the power to control your mind. So there — it’s not about you giving up, but it’s you gaining control of your own mind. Makes sense right?

Failing to control of your own mind can make you seek for millions of reasons why you shouldn’t be happy at this exact moment in time. You beat yourself up, and once you got that thing, you would yearn for more. And more. And more. When was the last time you were happy at this precise moment without worrying over whatifs and buts?

I’m trying to live at the present now. I’m done worrying about superficial things that might not occur. I don’t want to worry about things that I can’t change or control, otherwise I’m letting my emotions wrap me up in a ball of stress and regret.

So the bottom line is, it’s about giving yourself a permission to be fully aware of the present moment, and not to worry about things that have never happened. Yes, people can be cruel sometimes. But so can we. It’s about how to keep steady when the tough gets going. We all just want to be understood.

Hakuna matata.

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tell me something sweet to get me by.

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Kania R. Rantawi

Kania R. Rantawi

tell me something sweet to get me by.

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