Another Smack in the Face. Another Disappointment. What Now?

Credit: Waves Robin Schulz Youtube Cover

Well…

Another job exits the door from my unpredictable life.

This time, though, it was my fault. Which hurts so much more. In the past, jobs let me go because either the show was canceled or they had to make cuts due to budget constraints. But this time, it was because of my performance. I only worked there once a week for 6 weeks. So, it was a two-hour shoot for 6 days in total. And while I was improving, I guess I wasn’t progressing fast enough.

Sure, I complained to my family on how stressful it was and the anxiety I had. I wasn’t sure if this was the best thing for me. But, for the first time, I felt like I had a purpose. I was doing something meaningful. Even though I slept zero hours to fully prepare for the shoot and needed to take three hours everyday to read the news thoroughly, I still kept going. Because something good was coming out of it.

I guess not, though. All that “Everything happens for a reason” is less significant to me now. Especially after losing this job. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason . But, I’m having a hard time believing the reason is a “magical” one or one that will open my eyes or whatever cliched shit I would tell myself to make me feel better.

It’s just so unlike me to have this happen. I never put in only 50 percent. I always go above and beyond. Or at least strive to. That’s what is so frustrating. I know I was in development phase with the company and wasn’t technically a “full” employee, but I still felt like one because that’s how they treated us.

If you’re wondering what job I had, by the way, it was an on-camera reporting job explaining and analyzing news stories of the day.

This is what I graduated Boston University from — broadcast journalism. And I was the weakest link in the company. This was work that I had experience and knowledge in. Yet, I was struggling the most.

No matter how hard I was trying, how hard I was ready to work, I had negativity surrounding me. Although I showed my interest and effort and always asked how to improve — there was negativity from day one. And that followed me until they let me go. I didn’t start off strong. My lack of sleep was showing. And my complaining wasn’t encouraging me.

But, I didn’t quit. I wasn’t going to quit. Why would I? This was an opportunity that entered my life. I knew there was a reason at the time. This was the only consistent paid work in my life. This was security. And in this business of entertainment, security is golden. Especially when I was on camera, getting paid, doing meaningful and purposeful work. These opportunites don’t happen often. Especially to me. I’ve been out here for two years, and the one thing I learned is that nothing lasts. Everyone wants the same thing, and when you get something substantial, don’t let it go. Don’t take it for granted.

Why did all of that get snatched from me? Was I not grateful enough?

I’ve never felt so down before. Never felt so lifeless. I don’t know which direction to turn to. What to do next. I feel stuck. I am stuck. I know I’ll get out of this mess. But, I’m the only one who can get myself out. It’s a catch 22.

As I’m writing this, I write this as someone who is in the middle of the struggle. In the middle of the bump on the road of the journey. I apologize that I can’t write lists of how to get yourself out of this stump. Or what to do after you fall. Because I’m figuring that out for myself right now.

But what I do promise to do is to keep moving. Whether that’s writing my reflections about this journey everyday or finally being consistent with my Youtube videos/vlogs, or even exercising more. I have to take the steps. As small as I can. All we CAN do is push and push and push. Fight the resistance, and fight the negativity. Make moves, small or big, each and every day, until it all comes together. Don’t stand still in the water and let the waves take you down.

I can’t allow it. I can’t drown. Even if it’s writing in this blog everyday, at least that’s SOMETHING.

I have to be good to myself. I’m all I have.

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