Some Advice for Rep. Jason Chaffetz from a Fellow Traveler

I’ve been thinking a lot about Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz lately, which is odd, since until three weeks ago, I had no idea who he was. That was when he became one of the few Republicans to withdraw his support from Donald Trump after hearing the candidate’s offensive comments towards women. He told a reporter: “My wife and I, we have a 15-year-old daughter, and if I can’t look her in the eye and tell her these things, I can’t endorse this person.”

Last week, Chaffetz popped up in my news feed again when he had a change of heart, tweeting: “I will not defend or endorse @realDonaldTrump, but I am voting for him.”

And then, just yesterday, his picture was plastered everywhere after he leaked FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress about the Clinton emails that may or may not exist on Anthony Weiner’s magical electronic sexting machine. Chaffetz tweeted: “FBI Dir just informed me, ‘The FBI has learned of the existence of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation.’”

Isn’t it funny, all these years, nothing, and then, it’s just Jason Chaffetz, Jason Chaffetz, Jason Chaffetz?

I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. But what? WHAT?

Could it be that Chaffetz is a spineless, hypocritical, opportunistic tool? I don’t think so. I mean, hey, let he who is without conviction tweet the first leak. I used to hate mushrooms and now I love them and I’m not afraid to let everyone know.

No, I think the universe is telling me to reach out to Chaffetz, that he needs my help. And the crazy thing is, I want to help him. I do. I’m sick of all this partisan shit. I’m sick of the divisiveness and the name-calling. So, I am crossing party lines to give a fellow traveler on this journey we call life what I think he needs more than anything else in the world.

This is for you, Jason.

A Guide for Representative Jason Chaffetz for Where to Look at His Daughter Now that He Can No Longer Look Her in the Eye.

-The back of her head.

-The top of her head, but only if you recognize it is her head and don’t mistake it for another girl’s head.

-Her forehead. Be careful, this is very close to the eyes.

-Her nose, but again, it’s close to the eyes, and it may make you look cross-eyed, which would be weird and upsetting.

-Not her mouth. Jesus H. Christmas, not her mouth.

-Her neck but not the nape of it.

-One shoulder but not both at the same time, because then you are looking at her upper chest, which is too close to her breasts.

-NOT HER BREASTS.

-Her upper back is fine.

-Not her lower back. (Come on, Man. Way too close to her ass.)

-Either of her hands, but not her right hand if she is reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

-Her stomach is a “big no”.

-Nothing in the hip area, front or back. Why would you think this is okay? Nobody else does.

-I repeat: NOT HER BREASTS.

-Looking at her knees is okay, but no hard staring.

-Anything below her knees is okay, too, unless she is wearing six inch spike heels and/or you have a foot fetish.

-Don’t look at her at all, just fuck off.

-Finally, don’t take a picture with her like this one: