#RiverdaleRecap S2 E2: Nighthawks

MIDGE DESERVED BETTER.

TWO SECONDS OF REGGIE FLIRTING WITH HER? TWO? IN THE WHOLE SHOW? I CANNOT.

What happened?

Good Lord, where to start? Pop Tate’s Chock’lit Shoppe is in trouble. No one wants to eat where a murder took place, but Betty is having exactly none of everyone’s haughtiness and vows to save Pop’s. FP is offered a plea bargain that would put him away for twenty years, so Jughead goes to Penny Peabody, a Serpent and a lawyer, for advice. She says he owes her a favor in return, and that the Blossoms should forgive FP to get the judge on his side. FP is not happy with this development. Betty threatens Cheryl with a wide release of the tape of Jason’s murder if she doesn’t testify on FP’s behalf and lets the Vixens help out at Betty’s Retro Night event to save Pop’s. Cheryl complies with both demands, then makes her mother watch the murder tape.

Penny Peabody: Totally Trustworthy, Jughead, Like Whoa

Mr. Weatherbee reveals that JenniGrundy was murdered and Archie is convinced it’s connected to the hooded man, but no one believes him. Reggie sells drugs to Midge (FINALLY HERE) and her boyfriend, Moose. Alice sees the handoff and has photos to prove it. Hiram is back in town, and Veronica is conflicted. Hermione (falsely) claims to have written the letter threatening Hermione if Veronica doesn’t testify on Hiram’s behalf.

Everything is fine.

Hiram buys Pop’s on the DL and lies about it to Veronica. Pop lies about it to everyone else. Reggie inspires Archie to get a gun, which Dilton provides. Cheryl is basically Poison Ivy. Moose and Midge are murdered by the hooded man after taking drugs, because who isn’t going to die on this show?

Okay, but what comic references did you freak out about?

MIDGE. I have literally been waiting for Midge Klump to show up since like the first episode of season one, and for them to introduce her only to kill her off? Not cool, Riverdale. Not cool.

YOU DESERVED MORE, MIDGEY.

Midge and Moose have been going out for as long as they have existed in the Archie Comics universe, and Midge has also been sort of dating Reggie/fending off his lewd advances for just as long. For Riverdale to completely eliminate this potential source of conflict now that Reggie actually has a part again is WEIRD, unless they’re going hard for that Afterlife with Archie endgame. Zombie Midge, season four?

Speaking of the Moose/Midge dynamic, shoutout to the screenwriters for bringing in Penny Peabody. Penny was the girlfriend of Fangs Fogarty, a bully who kicked Archie, Reggie, and Jughead around in the Little Archie comic series. Penny was like the Midge to his Moose, and it’s interesting that they brought her in before even mentioning Fangs.

Though totally nice that she’s no longer just kid punk arm candy.

I have questions.

Why is Dilton so into the idea of giving Archie a gun when he makes clear with his tone that he knows Archie isn’t going to use it just for self defense?

Where is my sweet nerd babe? Dilly, what have they done to you?!

Does Jughead have a key to the back door of the Andrews residence, or does that door…just not lock? Seems like a pretty major oversight if you’re trying to keep threats away from your dad, Archie.

Yes, I’m SO CONFIDENT Archie having a gun now will end well for EVERYONE.

Not exactly a question, but: Archie and Reggie are morons made for each other and I’m SO glad Reggie has lines again. What an idiot, wearing a black hood to drop off drugs for Archie. Slightly redeemable because he realizes Archie is really fucked up and decides not to give him the drugs after all.

Reg, you just wore the hood of Archie’s dad’s attacker as a “prank.” You are 100% not allowed to look at ANYONE with this level of judgement for the rest of the season.

WHITHER SMITHERS and IS VERONICA EVER GOING TO BE OKAY?

Went home, my ass. Come on, Hiram, you can lie better than that.

When will everyone realize that Alice Cooper should be running this town?

Lois Lane meets Catherine de’ Medici, amiright?

OMFG THIS SHOW.

HOW ABOUT NEVER? Veronica truly has the greatest dialogue on this show, end of. I live for her way-too-literary so-NYC-it-hurts references. (She also referenced Serendipity 3 and the Dakota this time around, bless.)

Robert Mankoff for The New Yorker, everyone!

I CAN HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS RING. “Jingle jangle” is just about the most hilarious drug name I think I’ve ever heard on television.

These faces, and they’re saying “jingle jangle” earnestly. Emmys for everyone!

THE BITCH IS BACK. Cheryl being Cheryl is all I could have hoped for, and the fact that she’s “gone full Poison Ivy” is more than we deserve. Bless Betty for making this A+ reference after seeing Cheryl’s new digs and the CW for insisting that Riverdale include so many casual DC Comics references.

But like, I would live in this conservatory too if given the chance. #IvyLifeGoals

CHUGMO. In California, there is a chain called BevMo! where you can buy all of the alcohol and also they will deliver it to you, so I can only assume this is what the writers were referencing when they were making up a mystery buyer for Pop’s property pre-Retro Night. I see you, Los Angeles writers. Literally if you have never lived in NYC or LA how do you even understand half of the in-jokes on TV these days?

I’D HAVE TO CHARGE. Cheryl being a Pussycat just for an a cappella rendition of Kelis’ “Milkshake” is what fever dreams are made of. Is this why she let Josie into the Vixens so easily?

Will all the girls have their turn to be a Pussycat? Like, when are we seeing Betty in ears for a hat?

MIDGE FRIDGED. I think I’m still in shock over this, honestly. I mean, what the fuck?

IS NOTHING SACRED?