Half Remembered Dream

Writing has become harder these days. My days are completely filled with work, stress about work, MBA applications, stress about MBA applications. I scarcely get room to breathe, let alone think, which should be primary job function in this phase. In these trying times where my intellectual capacity seems at once stretched and throttled, ideas for writing seem half a world away. For instance, I thought of two ideas that I wanted to explore in this blog. Now, I have just the vaguest notions of what they were. It is not unlike trying to remember an amazing dream you had, which seems fresh and vivid the minute you wake up, but slowly goes back into the fog of your brain, shrouded forever in mystery. All you’re left with are loose strings of memory that seem to lead nowhere and are bound to nothing concrete.

A lot of the same is happening with my brain right now. The stress of keeping a brain focused on one activity is causing it to lose a grip in other areas of function. I can scarcely recall incidents from a couple of days ago. If asked, I wouldn’t be able to describe what I had for lunch yesterday and it would take a lot of thinking to pinpoint what I had worked on just the day before that. On the outside, I seem like a fully functioning, sharp and alert individual, but the brain is inaccessible to its owner. It has gone into some kind of auto-pilot and needs a sever jolt for me to take control again.

Tasks that I set for myself never seem to get done in the time that I have thought about, they seem to lose importance over whatever I am doing right now. But right now never seems to lead anywhere, or give any concrete results. I am drowning in time, falling behind yet on top of things in the moment. This post too is an indication of the same. I have hardly written in this strange, ineffectual manner in the past, with such difficulty as it takes to pen down this very line. It takes effort to think, to make an effort to make myself think for it just seems easier to drown in the white noise of life. I get now how people can spend hours on social media and on television too. I have fallen into the same trap in life. They’re easy, comfortable and give you the illusion of productivity or usefulness while in reality sucking you into a web of meaninglessness you shall neither remember nor need.

The topics I actually wanted to address in this post still elude me. I had hoped that writing would calm down my hyperactive mind, give it an avenue to unwind and relax. I seriously believe I’m heading towards a stage where I shall need an ambulance followed by a psychiatrist. A nervous breakdown seems fairly likely for my mind is in overdrive and its driving me nuts. I suppose time will tell.

In the meantime, I shall continue the search into the depths, or rather shallows, of my consciousness, trying in vain to locate at least a semblance of the self I have lost. Hopefully, I shall find him before the ambulance arrives.