My secret? I'm always angry
If you’re not the Incredible Hulk, that is not a good state of mind to be in all the time. It is how I always feel. Ready to burst with anger, boil over with fury at the slightest irritation. It is stressful as hell. I can feel my head get literally hot. I can feel the seething cauldron of rage inside me, which is barely held in place by my social manners and awareness of my surroundings.
It doesn't help that I feel the need to do everything to perfection. Anything less frustrates me. Frustration leads to anger, which in turn opens the door to unbridled rage (All I'm missing here is a path to the Dark Side). The trouble is that I have always had this suppressed anger inside, but it only used to surface when I felt injustice was being done to me. I have a very upright moral compass and do every thing quite conscientiously, so I take offence quite easily.
But these days, it seems like the anger can come out any time, anywhere. If I miss an easy shot while playing Badminton, I start shaking hard with anger, ready to destroy my racket by repeatedly smashing it against the wall. If a co-worker makes a small mistake, easily fixable and nothing to get upset over, I will be barely containing my fury at the stupidity of the thing and it takes every ounce of my self control to stop myself shouting out loud. It should not be this way. It helps no one, and hurts me most of all.
I have had real fights with auto-rickshaw drivers over things as petty as 10 rupees. On more than one occasion the argument got so heated that I shouted the street down. Perfect silence expect for my rage. On another occasion, I actually assaulted the poor man over something where I was technically at fault. I had become the oppressor there. The person who acts unjustly and defends himself through violence. I had in that moment become exactly what I despised most of all. I wish I could say that it was a turning point in my journey of learning to manage my anger. It wouldn't have an ounce of truth. The Anger is as potent as ever, as omnipresent as ever.
I really don’t want to be this way. I want to have a clear mind, a rational one which thinks without the murderous cloud of Anger always affecting the logical thought. Being self aware of the problem is one thing, but knowing what to do to actually fix it is quite another. One thing I have noticed. My anger has gone up as my work related stress has gone up. The more responsibilities I'm given, the angrier I become. I work in Software Testing. As long as I was a simple Manual Tester doing a basically menial job, I was happy. Yes, I got angry at my team leads and managers over trivial things, but that is all part of work life. I recently got the opportunity to lead a team myself. While it’s going well on a professional level, I'm getting angrier and more frustrated. Perhaps its just a natural consequence of growing up. Learning how to manage anger and frustration kind of comes with age and I am simply not old enough to take a cool approach to problems. Instead of using a surgical knife to minimize collateral damage, I use a sledgehammer approach and make a damn fine mess of things.
I suspect that there is something else at play here. There is something else that is frustrating me on a subconscious level which is translating into all this anger. The problem is identifying this damned something. I am 23 years old and 20-something’s always create tragedies out of their everyday life troubles. There are any number of things that I wish were better in my life. All of them are a source of constant unhappiness and could be the source of this anger. With time, many of them will (hopefully) fall in place and I might transform to Bruce Banner once more. Until then, I need to exercise the utmost restraint and keep the rage monster in check.